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Alice: You’re Humpty Dumpty! Just like an egg.
[Page 24]
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Text of Title Page
Copyright
A. C. McCLURG & CO.
1915
Published December, 1915
Rights to produce this play in all countries of the world
are reserved by Alice Gerstenberg
W. F. MAEL PRINTING COMPANY, CHICAGO
This dramatic rendering of Alice in Wonderland, by Alice Gerstenberg of Chicago, was produced by The Players Producing Company of Chicago (Aline Barnsdall and Arthur Bissell), at the Fine Arts Theater, Chicago, February 11, 1915. After a successful run it opened at the Booth Theater, New York, March 23, 1915.
The scenery and the costumes were designed by William Penhallow Henderson of Chicago.
The music was written by Eric De Lamarter of Chicago.
The advertising posters and cards were designed by Jerome Blum of Chicago.
The illustrations of the characters of the play in this book were drawn by J. Allen St. John from photographs by Victor Georg of Chicago.
W. H. Gilmore staged the play with the following cast:
Alice in Wonderland
THE SCENES ACT I Scene I—Alice’s Home.Scene II—The Room in the Looking Glass.
Scene III—The Hall with Doors.
Scene IV—The Sea Shore. ACT II Scene——The March Hare’s Garden. ACT III Scene I—The Garden of Flowers.
Scene II—The Court of Hearts.
Scene III—Alice’s Home.
Miss Gerstenberg’s manuscript called for costumes after the illustrations of John Tenniel, and scenery of the simple imaginative type, the “new art” in the theater.
ALICE IN WONDERLAND
Alice in Wonderland
ACT I
SCENE ONE
Alice’s home. Lewis Carroll is discovered, playing chess. Golden-haired Alice, in a little blue dress, a black kitten in her arms, stands watching him.
Alice
That’s a funny game, uncle. What did you do then?
Carroll
A red pawn took a white pawn; this way. You see, Alice, the chessboard is divided into sixty-four squares, red and white, and the white army tries to win and the red army tries to win. It’s like a battle!
Alice
With soldiers?
Carroll
Yes, here are the Kings and Queens they are fighting for. That’s the Red Queen and here’s the White Queen.
Alice
How funny they look!
Carroll
See the crowns on their heads, and look at their big feet.
Alice
It’s a foot apiece, that’s what it is! Do they hump along like this?
Carroll
Here! You’re spoiling the game. I must keep them all in their right squares.
Alice
I want to be a queen!
Carroll
Here you are [he points to a small white pawn] here you are in your little stiff skirt!
Alice
How do you do, Alice!
Carroll
And now you are going to move here.
Alice
Let me move myself.
Carroll
When you have traveled all along the board this way and haven’t been taken by the enemy you may be a queen.
Alice
Why do people always play with kings and queens? Mother has them in her playing cards too. Look!
[Alice goes to the mantel and takes a pack of playing cards from the ledge.]
Here’s the King of Hearts and here’s his wife; she’s the Queen of Hearts—isn’t she cross-looking? wants to bite one’s head off.
[Carroll moves a pawn.]
You’re playing against yourself, aren’t you?
Carroll
That’s one way of keeping in practice, Alice; I have friends in the university who want to beat me.
Alice
But if you play against yourself I should think you’d want to cheat!
Carroll
Does a nice little girl like you cheat when she plays against herself?
Alice
Oh! I never do! I’d scold myself hard. I always pretend I’m two people too. It’s lots of fun, isn’t it? Sometimes when I’m all alone I walk up to the looking glass and talk to the other Alice. She’s so silly, that Alice; she can’t do anything by herself. She just mocks me all the time. When I laugh, she laughs, when I point my finger at her, she points her finger at me, and when I stick my tongue out at her she sticks her tongue out at me! Kitty has a twin too, haven’t you darling?
[Alice goes to the mirror to show Kitty her twin.]
Carroll
I’ll have to write a book some day about Alice—Alice in wonderland, “Child of the pure unclouded brow and dreaming eyes of wonder!” or, Alice through the looking glass!
Alice
Don’t you wish sometimes you could go into looking-glass house? See!
[Alice stands on an armchair and looks into the mirror.]
There’s the room you can see through the glass; it’s just the same as our living-room here, only the things go the other way. I can see all of it—all but the bit just behind the fireplace. Oh! I do wish I could see that bit! I want so much to know if they’ve a fire there. You never can tell, you know, unless our fire smokes. Then smoke comes up in that room too—but that may be just to make it look as if they had a fire—just to pretend they had. The books are something like our books, only the words go the wrong way. Won’t there ever be any way of our getting through, uncle?
Carroll
Do you think Kitty would find looking-glass milk digestible?
Alice
It doesn’t sound awful good, does it; but I might leave her at home. She’s been into an awful lot of mischief today. She found sister’s knitting and chased the ball all over the garden where sister was playing croquet with the neighbors. And I ran and ran after the naughty little thing until I was all out of breath and so tired! I am tired.
[She yawns and makes herself comfortable in the armchair.]
Carroll
[Replaces the playing cards on the mantel and consults his watch.]
Take a nap. Yes, you have time before tea.
Alice
[Half asleep.]
We’re going to have mock turtle soup for supper! I heard mamma tell the cook not to pepper it too much.
Carroll
What a funny little rabbit it is, nibbling all the time!
[He leans gently over the back of her chair, and seeing that she is going to sleep puts out the lamp light and leaves the room. A red glow from the fireplace illumines Alice.]
[Dream music. A bluish light reveals the Red Chess Queen and the White Chess Queen in the mirror.]
Red Queen
[Points to Alice and says in a mysterious voice.]
There she is, let’s call her over.
White Queen
Do you think she’ll come?
Red Queen
I’ll call softly, Alice!
White Queen
Hist, Alice.
Red Queen
Alice!
White Queen
Hush—if she wakes and catches us—
Both Queens
Alice, come through into looking-glass house!
[Their hands beckon her.]
Alice
[Rises, and talks sleepily. The Queens disappear. Alice climbs from the arm of the chair to the back of another and so on up to the mantel ledge, where she picks her way daintily between the vases.]
I—don’t—know—how—I—can—get—through. I’ve tried—before—but the glass was hard—and I was afraid of cutting—my fingers—
[She feels the glass and is amazed to find it like gauze.]
Why, it’s soft like gauze; it’s turning into a sort of mist; why, it’s easy to get through! Why—why—I’m going through!
[She disappears.]
SCENE TWO
[Is Scene One, reversed. The portieres are black and red squares like a chessboard. A soft radiance follows the characters mysteriously. As the curtain rises Alice comes through the looking glass; steps down, looks about in wonderment and goes to see if there is a “fire.” The Red Queen rises out of the grate and faces her haughtily.]
Alice
Why, you’re the Red Queen!
Red Queen
Of course I am! Where do you come from? And where are you going? Look up, speak nicely, and don’t twiddle your fingers!
Alice
I only wanted to see what the looking glass was like. Perhaps I’ve lost my way.
Red Queen
I don’t know what you mean by your way; all the ways about here belong to me. Curtsey while you’re thinking what to say. It saves time.
Alice
I’ll try it when I go home; the next time I’m a little late for dinner.
Red Queen
It’s time for you to answer now; open your mouth a little wider when you speak, and always say, “Your Majesty.” I suppose you don’t want to lose your name?
Alice
No, indeed.
Red Queen
And yet I don’t know, only think how convenient it would be
Alice
That would never do, I’m sure; the governess would never think of excusing me from lessons for that. If she couldn’t remember my name, she’d call me “Miss,” as the servants do.
Red Queen
Well, if she said “Miss,” and didn’t say anything more, of course you’d miss your lessons. I dare say you can’t even read this book.
Alice
It’s all in some language I don’t know. Why, it’s a looking-glass book, of course! And if I hold it up to a glass, the words will all go the right way again.
Jabberwocky
’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
It seems very pretty, but it’s rather hard to understand; somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas—only I don’t exactly know what they are.
Red Queen
I daresay you don’t know your geography either. Look at the map!
[She takes a right angle course to the portieres and points to them with her sceptre.]
Alice
It’s marked out just like a big chessboard. I wouldn’t mind being a pawn, though of course I should like to be a Red Queen best.
Red Queen
That’s easily managed. When you get to the eighth square you’ll be a Queen. It’s a huge game of chess that’s being played—all over the world. Come on, we’ve got to run. Faster, don’t try to talk.
Alice
I can’t.
Red Queen
Faster, faster.
Alice
Are we nearly there?
Red Queen
Nearly there! Why, we passed it ten minutes ago. Faster. You may rest a little now.
Alice
Why, I do believe we’re in the same place. Everything’s just as it was.
Red Queen
Of course it is, what would you have it?
Alice
Well, in our country you’d generally get to somewhere else—if you ran very fast for a long time as we’ve been doing.
Red Queen
A slow sort of country. Now here you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that.
Alice
I’d rather not try, please! I’m quite content to stay here—only I am so hot and thirsty.
Red Queen
I know what you’d like.
[She takes a little box out of her pocket.]
Have a biscuit?
[Alice, not liking to refuse, curtseys as she takes the biscuit and chokes.]
Red Queen
While you’re refreshing yourself, I’ll just take the measurements.
[She takes a ribbon out of her pocket and measures the map with it.]
At the end of two yards I shall give you your directions—have another biscuit?
Alice
No thank you, one’s quite enough.
Red Queen
Thirst quenched, I hope? At the end of three yards I shall repeat them—for fear of your forgetting them. At the end of four, I shall say good-bye. And at the end of five, I shall go! That Square belongs to Humpty Dumpty and that Square to the Gryphon and Mock Turtle and that Square to the Queen of Hearts. But you make no remark?
Alice
I—I didn’t know I had to make one—just then.
Red Queen
You should have said, “It’s extremely kind of you to tell me all this,” however, we’ll suppose it said. Four! Good-bye! Five!
[Red Queen vanishes in a gust of wind behind the portieres. Rabbit music. White Rabbit comes out of the fireplace and walks about the room hurriedly. He wears a checked coat, carries white kid gloves in one hand, a fan in the other and takes out his watch to look at it anxiously.]
White Rabbit
Oh the Duchess! the Duchess! Oh! won’t she be savage if I’ve kept her waiting!
Alice
I’ve never seen a rabbit with a waistcoat and a watch! And a waistcoat pocket! If you please, sir—
White Rabbit
Oh!
[He drops fan and gloves in fright and dashes out by way of the portieres in a gust of wind. Alice picks up the fan and playfully puts on the gloves. The portieres flap in the breeze and a shawl flies in.]
Alice
[Catches the shawl and looks about for the owner; then meets the White Queen.]
I’m very glad I happened to be in the way.
White Queen
[Runs in wildly, both arms stretched out wide as if she were flying, and cries in a helpless frightened way.]
Bread-and-butter, bread-and-butter.
Alice
Am I addressing the White Queen?
White Queen
Well, yes, if you call that a-dressing. It isn’t my notion of the thing, at all.
Alice
If your Majesty will only tell me the right way to begin, I’ll do it as well as I can.
White Queen
But I don’t want it done at all. I’ve been a-dressing myself for the last two hours.
Alice
Every single thing’s crooked, and you’re all over pins; may I put your shawl straight for you?
White Queen
I don’t know what’s the matter with it! It’s out of temper. I’ve pinned it here, and I’ve pinned it there, but there’s no pleasing it.
Alice
It can’t go straight, you know, if you pin it all on one side, and dear me, what a state your hair is in!
White Queen
Alice
[Takes out the brush and arranges the Queen’s hair.]
You look better now! But really you should have a lady’s maid!
White Queen
I’m sure I’ll take you with pleasure. Two pence a week and jam every other day.
Alice
[Who cannot help laughing.]
I don’t want you to hire me—and I don’t care for jam.
White Queen
It’s very good jam.
Alice
Well, I don’t want any today, at any rate.
White Queen
You couldn’t have it if you did want it. The rule is, jam tomorrow and jam yesterday—but never jam today.
Alice
It must come sometimes to “jam today.”
White Queen
No, it can’t, it’s jam every other day; today isn’t any other day, you know.
Alice
I don’t understand you, it’s dreadfully confusing!
White Queen
That’s the effect of living backwards, it always makes one a little giddy at first—
Alice
Living backwards! I never heard of such a thing!
White Queen
But there’s one great advantage in it—that one’s memory works both ways.
Alice
I’m sure mine only works one way. I can’t remember things before they happen.
White Queen
It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backwards.
Alice
What sort of things do you remember best?
White Queen
Oh, things that happened the week after next. For instance now:
[She sticks a large piece of plaster on her finger.]
There’s the King’s messenger—he’s in prison being punished; and the trial doesn’t even begin till next Wednesday; and of course the crime comes last of all.
Alice
Suppose he never commits the crime?
White Queen
[Binding the plaster with ribbon.]
That would be all the better, wouldn’t it?
Alice
Of course it would be all the better, but it wouldn’t be all the better his being punished.
White Queen
You’re wrong there, at any rate; were you ever punished?
Alice
Only for faults.
White Queen
And you were all the better for it, I know!
Alice
Yes, but then I had done the things I was punished for; that makes all the difference.
White Queen
But if you hadn’t done them that would have been better still; better and better and better!
Alice
There’s a mistake somewhere—
White Queen
[Screams like an engine whistle, and shakes her hand.]
Oh, Oh, Oh! My finger’s bleeding. Oh, Oh, Oh!
Alice
What is the matter? Have you pricked your finger?
White Queen
I haven’t pricked it yet—but I soon shall—Oh, Oh, Oh!
Alice
When do you expect to do it?
White Queen
When I fasten my shawl again; the brooch will come undone directly. Oh, Oh!
[Brooch flies open and she clutches it wildly.]
Alice
Take care! you’re holding it all crooked!
White Queen
[Pricks her finger and smiles.]
That accounts for the bleeding, you see; now you understand the way things happen here.
Alice
But why don’t you scream now?
White Queen
Why, I’ve done all the screaming already. What would be the good of having it all over again? Oh! it’s time to run if you want to stay in the same place! Come on!
Alice
No, no! Not so fast! I’m getting dizzy!!
White Queen
Faster, faster!
Alice
Everything’s black before my eyes!
[There is music, and the sound of rushing wind, and in the darkness the White Queen cries: “Faster, faster”; Alice gasps: “I can’t—please stop”; and the Queen replies: “Then you can’t stay in the same place. I’ll have to drop you behind. Faster—faster, good-bye.”]
SCENE THREE
When the curtain rises one sees nothing but odd black lanterns with orange lights, hanging, presumably, from the sky. The scene lights up slowly revealing Alice seated on two large cushions. She has been “dropped behind” by the White Queen and is dazed to find herself in a strange hall with many peculiar doors and knobs too high to reach.
Alice
Oh! my head! Where am I? Oh dear, Oh dear!
[She staggers up and to her amazement finds herself smaller than the table.]
I’ve never been smaller than any table before! I’ve always been able to reach the knobs! What a curious feeling. Oh! I’m shrinking. It’s the fan—the gloves!
[She throws them away, feels her head and measures herself against table and doors.]
Oh! saved in time! But I never—never—
White Rabbit
Oh! my fan and gloves! Where are my—
Alice
Oh! Mr. Rabbit—please help me out—I want to go home—I want to go home—
White Rabbit
Oh! the Duchess! Oh! my fur and whiskers! She’ll get me executed, as sure as ferrets are ferrets! Oh! you have them!
Alice
I’m sorry—you dropped them, you know—
[Picks up fan and gloves and patters off.]
She’ll chop off your head!
Alice
If you please sir—where am I?—won’t you please—tell me how to get out—I want to get out—
White Rabbit
[Looking at his watch.]
Oh! my ears and whiskers, how late it’s getting.
[A trap door gives way and Rabbit disappears. Alice dashes after only in time to have the trap door bang in her face.]
Alice
[Amazed.]
It’s a rabbit-hole—I’m small enough to fit it too! If I shrink any more it might end in my going out altogether like a candle. I wonder what I would be like then! What does the flame of a candle look like after the candle is blown out? I’ve never seen such a thing!
Humpty Dumpty
[Sits on the wall.]
Don’t stand chattering to yourself like that, but tell me your name and your business.
Alice
My name is Alice, but—
Humpty Dumpty
It’s a stupid name enough, what does it mean?
Alice
Must a name mean something?
Humpty Dumpty
Of course it must; my name means the shape I am—and a good, handsome shape it is, too. With a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost.
Alice
You’re Humpty Dumpty! Just like an egg.
Humpty Dumpty
It’s very provoking, to be called an egg—very.
Alice
I said you looked like an egg, Sir, and some eggs are very pretty, you know.
Humpty Dumpty
Some people have no more sense than a baby.
Alice
Why do you sit here all alone?
Humpty Dumpty
Why, because there’s nobody with me. Did you think I didn’t know the answer to that? Ask another.
Alice
Don’t you think you’d be safer down on the ground? That wall’s so very narrow.
Humpty Dumpty
What tremendously easy riddles you ask! Of course I don’t think so. Take a good look at me! I’m one that has spoken to a king, I am; to show you I’m not proud, you may shake hands with me!
[He leans forward to offer Alice his hand but she is too small to reach it.]
However, this conversation is going on a little too fast; let’s go back to the last remark but one.
Alice
I’m afraid I can’t remember it.
Humpty Dumpty
In that case we start fresh, and it’s my turn to choose a subject.
Alice
You talk about it just as if it were a game.
Humpty Dumpty
So here’s a question for you. How old did you say you were?
Alice
Seven years and six months.
Humpty Dumpty
Wrong! You never said a word about it. Now if you’d asked my advice, I’d have said, “Leave off at seven—but—”
Alice
I never ask advice about growing.
Humpty Dumpty
Too proud?
Alice
What a beautiful belt you’ve got on. At least, a beautiful cravat, I should have said—no, a belt, I mean—I beg your pardon. If only I knew which was neck and which was waist.
Humpty Dumpty
It is a—most—provoking—thing, when a person doesn’t know a cravat from a belt.
Alice
I know it’s very ignorant of me.
Humpty Dumpty
It’s a cravat, child, and a beautiful one, as you say. There’s glory for you.
Alice
I don’t know what you mean by “glory.”
Humpty Dumpty
When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean—neither more nor less.
Alice
The question is, whether you can make words mean different things.
Humpty Dumpty
The question is, which is to be master—that’s all. Impenetrability! That’s what I say!
Alice
Would you tell me, please, what that means?
Humpty Dumpty
I meant by “impenetrability” that we’ve had enough of that subject, and it would be just as well if you’d mention what you mean to do next, as I suppose you don’t mean to stop here all the rest of your life.
Alice
That’s a great deal to make one word mean.
Humpty Dumpty
When I make a word do a lot of work like that I always pay it extra.
Alice
Oh!
Humpty Dumpty
Ah, you should see ’em come round me of a Saturday night, for to get their wages, you know. That’s all—Good-bye.
Alice
Good-bye till we meet again.
Humpty Dumpty
I shouldn’t know you again, if we did meet, you’re so exactly like other people.
Alice
The face is what one goes by, generally.
Humpty Dumpty
That’s just what I complain of. Your face is the same as everybody has—the two eyes—so—nose in the middle, mouth under. It’s always the same. Now if you had the two eyes on the same side of the nose, for instance—or the mouth at the top—that would be some help.
Alice
It wouldn’t look nice.
Humpty Dumpty
Wait till you’ve tried! Good-bye.
[He disappears as he came.]
Alice
Oh! I forgot to ask him how to—
[She tries to open the doors. They are all locked; she begins to weep. She walks weeping to a high glass table and sits down on its lower ledge. She sits on a big golden key and picks it up in surprise. She tries it on all the doors but it does not fit. She weeps and weeps—and Wonderland grows dark to
Alice
It isn’t marked poison.
[She sips at it.]
This is good! Tastes like cherry tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffy and hot buttered toast—all together. Oh! Oh! I’m letting out like a telescope.
[A mysterious light shows her lengthening out.]
[Music.]
But the lake is rising too. Oh! Oh! it’s deep! I’m drowning. Help, help, I’m drowning, I’m drowning in my tears!
Gryphon
Hjckrrh. Hjckrrh!
[The Gryphon, a huge green creature with big glittering wings, appears where Humpty Dumpty had been and reaches glittering claws over to grab and save Alice.]
SCENE FOUR
Is symbolic of a wet and rocky shore in a weird green light. The Mock Turtle is weeping dismally.
Gryphon
Hjckrrh. Hjckrrh. Hjckrrh.
Mock Turtle
[Answers with his weeping.]
Gryphon
[Drags Alice in.]
Drop your tears into the sea with his.
Alice
He sobs as if he had a bone in his throat. He sighs as if his heart would break. What is his sorrow?
Mock Turtle
Oh, Gryphon, it’s terrible!
Gryphon
It’s all his fancy that. Mock Turtle hasn’t got no sorrow. This here young lady, she wants for to know your history, she do.
Mock Turtle
I’ll tell it her. Sit down both of you, and don’t speak a word till I’ve finished.
Alice
I don’t see how you can ever finish, if you don’t begin.
Mock Turtle
Once, I was a real Turtle.
[A long silence is broken only by the exclamations, “Hjckrrh,” of the Gryphon and the heavy sobbing of the Mock Turtle.]
Mock Turtle
When we were little, we went to school in the sea. The master was an old Turtle—we used to call him tortoise—
Alice
Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn’t one?
Mock Turtle
We called him Tortoise because he taught us; really you are very dull.
Gryphon
You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question. Drive on, old fellow! Don’t be all day about it!
Mock Turtle
Yes, we went to school in the sea, tho’ you mayn’t believe it—
Alice
I never said I didn’t.
Mock Turtle
You did.
Gryphon
Hold your tongue!
Mock Turtle
We had the best of educations—in fact, we went to school every day.
Alice
I’ve been to a day school too; you needn’t be so proud as all that.
Mock Turtle
With extras?
Alice
Yes, we learned French and music.
Mock Turtle
And washing?
Alice
Certainly not!