By Gelett Burgess

and

A Manual of Manners for Impolite Infants Depicting the Characteristics
of Many Naughty and Thoughtless Children With Instructive Illustrations

NEW YORK

Copyright 1903
By GELETT BURGESS

Published September, 1903

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

INTRODUCTION

Children, although you might expect
My manners to be quite correct
(For since I fancy I can teach,
I ought to practice what I preach),
'Tis true that I have often braved
My mother's wrath, and misbehaved!
And almost every single rule
I broke, before I went to school!
For that is how I learned the way
To teach you etiquette to-day.
So when you chance to take a look
At all the maxims in the book,
You'll see that most of them are true,
I found them out, and so will you,
For if you are as GOOP derided,
You may perhaps reform, as I did!

WINDOW-SMOOCHERS

Little Goops are marking

On the window pane;

I forbid, in vain!

Noses, when they're greasy,

Leave a smooch so easy!

Rub it out again!

I shall have to scold them,

For I've often told them,

Kindly, to refrain!

A LOW TRICK

The meanest trick I ever knew
Was one I know you never do.
I saw a Goop once try to do it,
And there was nothing funny to it.
He pulled a chair from under me
As I was sitting down; but he
Was sent to bed, and rightly, too.
It was a horrid thing to do!

WHEN TO GO

When you go a-calling,

Never stay too late;

You will wear your welcome out

If you hesitate!

Just before they're tired of you,

Just before they yawn,

Before they think you are a Goop,

And wish that you were gone,

While they're laughing with you,

While they like you so,

While they want to keep you,—

That's the time to go!

NELL THE NIBBLER

 

She ate some chocolate drops at 1,

At 2, she thought she'd take

A little jelly and a bun;

At 3, some frosted cake.

 

At 4, she nibbled at a roll;

At 5, a doughnut spied,

And ate it (all except the hole),

And then some cookies tried.

 

At 6, she didn't feel quite right,

And didn't care for dinner.

She said she had no appetite,

With so much Goop-food in her!

JUSTICE

Whenever brother's sent to bed,

Or punished, do not go

And peer at him and jeer at him,

And say, "I told you so!"

 

Nor should you try to make him laugh

When he has been so bad;

Let him confess his naughtiness

Before you both are glad!

 

A PUZZLE

There are about a thousand things

I'm not allowed to do;

Most everything I'm fondest of

I'm told is wrong—are you?

 

They say, "Please don't do that, my child!"

They say, "You mustn't, dear!"

I hope sometime I'll learn what's right,

For now it seems so queer!

FRANKNESS

When you are talking, I expect
You'd better hold your head erect!
Please look me squarely in the eye
Unless you're telling me a lie.
For if you crouch and look askance,
Regarding me with sidelong glance,
I'll think it is a Goop I see
Who is afraid to look at me!

THE DUTY OF THE STRONG

 

 

WALKING WITH PAPA

"Won't you walk a little farther?"

Said a Goop to his Papa;

"It is really quite delightful,

And we haven't travelled far;

Wont you walk a little farther,

There's a house I'd like to see!

Won't you walk a little farther,

Till we reach that cherry-tree?"

 

"Won't you carry me? I'm tired!"

Whined a Goop to his Papa;

"And my feet are sore and weary,

And we've gone so very far!

Won't you carry me? I'm tired!

And I can't walk back alone!

Won't you carry me? I'm tired!"

And the Goop began to groan.

PIANO TORTURE

Pianos are considered toys

By Goops, and naughty girls and boys;

They pound upon the keys,

They lift the cover up, on top,

To see the little jiggers hop,

And both the pedals squeeze!

 

But instruments so rich

AT TABLE

Why is it Goops must always wish
To touch each apple on the dish?
Why do they never neatly fold
Their napkins until they are told?
Why do they play with food, and bite
Such awful mouthfuls? Is it right?
Why do they tilt back in their chairs?
Because they're Goops! So no one cares!

HOW TO EAT SOUP

 

Whenever you are eating soup
Remember not to be a Goop!
And if you think to say this rhyme,
Perhaps 'twill help you every time:

 

Like little boats that put to sea,
I push my spoon AWAY from me;
I do not tilt my dish, nor scrape
The last few drops, like hungry ape!

 

Like little boats, that, almost filled,
Come back without their cargoes spilled,
My spoon sails gently to my lips,
Unloading from the SIDE, like ships.

BABY'S APOLOGY

Dear little seed, queer little seed,

Tucked into bed in the garden,

Why don't you grow? Why, don't you know

Baby is asking your pardon?

 

Out, little seed! Sprout, little seed!

Baby did wrong without knowing!

Hoping for you, groping for you,

To see if you really were growing.

 

Break, little seed! Wake, little seed!

Baby will watch and not harm you.

Everything's bright, everything's right,

Nothing is here to alarm you.

 

Dress, little seed! Yes, little seed,

Fold your green leaflets around you;

There, little seed! Fair little seed,

Baby's so glad he has found you!

IN THE STREET

Peelings on the sidewalk,

Apple-cores and all,

Kick them in the gutter;

Save some one a fall!

Barrel hoops, glass, and cans,

And wires in the street,

Kick them in the gutter;

You'll save some horse's feet!

SICK FURNITURE

Sitting on the table,
Standing on the chairs,
That's the way the legs are broken and the cushion tears!
How'd you like to pay the bill for varnish and repairs?
 

BORROWED PLUMES

Don't try on the wraps,

The bonnets and caps

Of company coming to call!

Admire, if you please,

But garments like these

Should always feel safe in the hall!

THE GOOP PICNIC

They came to the best sort of place for a rest,

On the grass, with the trees overhead,

They sat down in a bunch and they opened their lunch,

And they had a be-autiful spread!

 

And when they were done, and they'd had all their fun,

They proved they were Goops, or were blind;

For they picked up their wraps and they left all their scraps

For the next picnic party to find!

BOOK-MANNERS

If you scribble on your books,
How disgustable it looks!
Here a word, and there a scrawl,
Silly pictures over all!
Take a paper, or a slate,
If you want

POOR MOTHER!

Oh! Isn't it shocking!

Just look at your stocking!

Just look at your brand new boots!

Your waist is all torn

And your trousers are worn—

Just look at the holes in your suits!

 

Your father is working

All day, without shirking,

To pay for the clothes that you wear;

Your mother is mending

All day, and attending

To you, with the kindest of care.

 

And so, while you're playing,

Think of father, who's paying,

And mother, who's working so hard;

While you kneel on your knees,

Or climb up the trees,

Or make your mud pies in the yard!

CHEATING

I thought I saw a little Goop

Who didn't pay his fare;

I looked again; the passengers

Were gazing at him, there.

"They think that he's a thief!" I said;

"I wonder does he care?"

GOOP! GOOP! GOOP!

Goop! Goop! Goop!

I wish you'd wash your face!

Goop! Goop! Goop!

Your hands are a disgrace!

Goop! Goop! Goop!

Put things back in their place!

I wish you were polite,

Instead of a

Goop! Goop! Goop!

VISITING

When a Goop goes out to visit,

'T isn't very pleasant, is it,

To hear him ask his friends for things to eat?

And to hear the little sinner

Say he wants to stay to dinner

Is a piece of impoliteness hard to beat!

 

"Mother said that I could stay

If you asked me!" is the way

That a Goop will make them ask him to remain.

It is better to be slighted

Than to stay when not invited,

For they never ask a Goop to come again!

PICKING and STEALING

When you are fetching bread, I trust

You never nibble at the crust

 

When in the kitchen, do you linger

And pinch the cookies with your finger?

Or do you peck the frosted cake?

Don't do it, please, for Mother's sake!

LOYALTY

Mother's found your mischief out!

What are you going to do?

Cry and sulk, or kick and shout?

Tell your mother all about

Brother's mischief, too?

Or,

Take your punishment, and say,

"I'll be better, now!"

Never mind the horrid way

Brother treated you, at play;

Don't tell it, anyhow!

It is the Goops, who have no shame,

Who say, "'Twas some one else to blame!"

INDOLENCE

There was a Goop who lay in bed
Till half-past eight, the sleepy-head!
He couldn't find his stockings, for
He'd thrown them somewhere on the floor!
He couldn't find his reading-book;
He had forgotten where to look!
His breakfast grew so very cold,
This lazy Goop began to scold;
And then he blamed his mother, kind!
"You made me late to school!" he whined.

THE LAW OF HOSPITALITY

There is a very simple rule

That every one should know;

You may not hear of it in school,

But everywhere you go,

In every land where people dwell,

And men are good and true,

You'll find they understand it well,

And so I'll tell it

THE FLOWER HOSPITAL

I dreamed I found a sunlit room
Filled with a delicate perfume,
Where, moaning their sweet lives away,
A thousand lovely flowers lay.
They drooped, so pale, and wan, and weak,
With hardly strength enough to speak,
With stems so crushed and leaves so torn
It was too dreadful to be borne!
And one white lily raised her head
From off her snowy flower bed.
And sighed, "Please tell the children, oh!
They should not treat the flowers so!
They plucked us when we were so gay,
And then they threw us all away
To wither in the sun all day!
We all must fade, but we'll forgive
If they'll let other flowers live!"

PUPPY GOOPS

Candy in the cushions

Of the easy-chair;

Raisins in the sofa—

How did they get there?

The little Goop who's greedy

Does it every day,

Like a little puppy,

Hiding bones away!