Punch, or the London Charivari
Volume 107, September 15th, 1894
edited by Sir Francis Burnand
OF VITAL IMPORTANCE.
"Hi, Billie! 'Ere's Cheap Gloves!"
ALL MY EYE!
Or, Rhyme and Reason.
(By Baron Grimbosh.)
And with rhyme's chymings blest a happy irth,
Poetic seekers of a "perfect rhyme"
Have missed the bull's-eye almost every thyme.
We want a brand-new Versifiers' Guide,
And he who Pegasus would neatly ruide,
Must shun bards' beaten highways, read no hymn,
Nor by phonetic laws his stanzas trymn.
The eye's the Muse's judge, and by the eye
Parnassian Pitmans must the poet treye.
Rhyme to the ear is wrong; at any rate,
Rhyme that greets not the eye cannot be grate,
And though by long wrong usage sanctified,
It may not pass my new Poetic Gied.
These new Rhyme-Rules let bardlings get by heart,
For from the New Parnassus must depeart,
From Toplady to Tennyson, all those
Who prove sweet Poesy's false phonetic fose.
Cowper and Rowland Hill must be arraigned;
In Keble, Heber, Newman, are contaigned
False rhymes the most atrocious upon earth,
Which might move Momus to derisive mearth.
Of Rhyme's true laws I'm getting to the root,
And a New Poetry will be the froot,
The Muse, now by the few acknowledged fair,
Shall then be warmly welcomed everywhair,
And not, as now, in one loud howl sonorous,
As "footle" banned by Commonsense in chorous.
Then a verse-scorning world, in pleased surprise,
Will to Parnassus lift delighted ise;
And from St. Albans to the Arctic Pole,
The "lyric cry" (in Grimbosh rhymes) shall role.
The people then not hymns alone shall praise,
But the sweet secular singer's luscious laise,
Phonetic laws to wish to change at once
Must prove a man a duffer and a donce,
The laws of spelling are less fatal foze.
(You can spell "does" as either "duz" or "doze,"
And if you wish to make it rhyme with bosh,
What easier than writing wash as "wosh"?)
If Tennyson were all rewritten thus,
His verse indeed would be de-li-ci-us;
And Isaac Pitman's spelling would add lots
Of charm to the great works of Isaac Wotts.
There! Grimbosh sets the world right once again!
May lesser poets mark! A-main!! A-main!!!
LITERARY INTELLIGENCE.
Scene—A Sea-side Library.
Visitor (wearily, after a series of inquiries and disappointments). What I want is a recent novel. I haven't read The Vermilion Gillyflower yet. It's been out six months or more. Surely you've got that?
Shop Attendant. I don't fancy it's in our catalogue. I don't remember hearing of it. (Brightly.) We've got Ivanhoe.
Visitor (ignoring the suggestion). Well, then, I could do with Conan Doyle's last, or Stanley Weyman's.
Shop Attendant. Stanley, did you say? Oh yes, we've ordered the Life of Dean Stanley, but it hasn't come yet.
Visitor (gloomily). I don't want anybody's life. I want—let's see—A Gentleman of France.
Shop Attendant. A Gentleman of France? I don't recollect the title. But (cheerfully) we've John Halifax, Gentleman, if that'll do as well.
Visitor (groaning). Oh no, it won't! How about So-so, by Benson, you know? Or I hear Mrs. Clifford's latest is worth reading. Or Bess of the Curvybills, by Hardy. That's been out a couple of years at least. (Hopefully.) Oh, I'm sure that's got to you.
Shop Attendant (floored). Would you look through the shelves for yourself, if you please? You'll find something to suit you, I know. There's one or two of Dickens's, and Middlemarch—now, that's a rather recent work. Or The Channings. We've had The Channings bound again, and it's a great favourite.
[Flits off quite relieved at the entrance of a girl who desires a penny time-table and a halfpennyworth of writing-paper.
The Plague of Poets.
(By a Rabid Reviewer.)
"Captain Jack Crawford, the Post Scout!"
Oh, bother the Bards! How the rhyme-grinders go it!
My future rule shall be "scout the poet!"
"Mutes and Liquids."—Some clever detectives, of the Birmingham Police Force—not by any means Brummagem detectives—disguised themselves as "Mourners' Mutes" and such like black guards of hearses, and, after a re-hearsal of their several parts, they went to a tavern for drink—grief, professionally or otherwise, being thirsty work—and managed to discover that this public-house was only a privately conducted betting-house, being, like themselves, in disguise. The result has yet to be ascertained, but so far it has proved a most successful "undertaking."
Good News.—"Cheer, Boys, Cheer!" "There's a Good Time Coming"; for the evergreen veteran, Mr. Henry Russell, is "preparing his reminiscences for publication." Mr. Punch looks forward with pleasure to perusing them, and wishes that Henry's congenial collaborator, Charles Mackay, were yet living to share the treat.
(A long way after the late Laureate.)
Betwixt the white cliff and the whiter foam,
Sweet faces, rounded arms, and bosoms prest
To little harps of gold. And PUNCHIUS said:—
"Lo! I am lucky, after session long,
To light upon these sirens; and their song
I fear not, though I'm wary as Ulysses,
Nor do I dread their kisses,
(Seeing that far away Penelope-Judy Abides.)
Oh! hang this maudlin muck from Mudie!
I love not, I, these new, neurotic novels,
In which the wild New Woman soars—and grovels.
Emancipated females are not sirens!
There's pleasure in the peril that environs
Old-fashioned witchery.
A pretty English maiden at her stitchery,
Or a scaled mermaid, siren, or sea-fairy,
Alike have charms for me. Yet I'll be wary,
'Maidens mit nodings'—or but little—'on,'
As Breitmann hints, are dangers
For weak wayfaring strangers.
But Beauty never hurt me. Fears begone!
See how the long-tressed charmers smile and beckon!
I'll go and risk a chat with them, I reckon!"
They whispering to each other as in fun,
Soft music reached the Unsurpassable One:—
Whither away from the bright white cliff and the sandy siren-haunted shore?
Back to town—which is horrible now—or to politics—the beastliest bore?
Day and night do the printers'-devils call?
Day and night do stump-orators howl and squall?
Bless 'em—and let 'em be!
Out from the city of singular sights, and smells.
Come to these saffron sands and these silvery shells,
Far from the niggers, and nursemaids, and howling swells,
Here by the high-toned sea:
O hither, come hither, and furl your sails!
Come hither to me, and to me,
Hither, come hither, and frolic and play,
(Of course, in a highly-respectable middle-aged way).
Good company we—if you do not object to our—tails.
And the least little tiny suspicion of silver scales.
We will sing to you lyrics gay,
Such as Locker, or Austin Dobson, or Lang might pen.
Oh, we know your society-singers, and now and then,
When old Father Nep's in the sulks, or amusement fails,
Or we're tired of the "merry carols" of rollicking gales
(As young Alfred Tennyson said
When just a weeny bit 'off his (poetical) head')
We study another than Davy Jones's Locker,
And read your Society Novel or Shilling Shocker!
Oh, spangles are sparkling in bight and bay!
Come down, Old Gentleman, give us your hand.
We are modern mermaids, as you may understand,
And fair, and frolic, fun-loving, and blamelessly free.
Hither, come hither, and see!"
Cried, "Coming, my nautical darlings!—at least, I'll try.
Middle-aged? I'm as young as a masher of five-and-twenty!
I love pretty girls, honest fun, and the far niente.
I'm 'a young man,' but not 'from the country,' as you will find,
And if you are game for flirtation, well, I don't mind!"
And he stepped him down, and he sat by the sounding shore,
And chatted, and flirted, and laughed with the sirens four;
And he sang, as young Tennyson might have, or Uhland, the German,
This song of the Modern Merman!—
A merman bold,
And sit by the sea,
With mermaids free.
And sweet converse hold
With nice nautical girls,
And toy with their curls,
And watch the gleam
Of their glistening pearls,
As they chatter, chatter
On,—well, no matter
Each with her tale
And whisks her—narrative.
(Pink skin or scale,
Charms are all comparative!)
Oh what a happy life were mine
With Beauty (though caudate) beside the brine!
With four sea-fairies beside the sea
Punch can live merrily, merrily!"
And the Mermaids pinched the Punchian cheek
(For his Caudal lecture) and made him squeak.
And he cried "Revenge!" (like Timotheus, Miss)
And a sweet revenge for a nip is a kiss.
And around the rock siren laughter rang
And that bevy of sweet sea-fairies sang:—
And sweet are its echoes from cove and cave,
And sweet shall your welcome be,
You dear old Cove,
Whom all she-things love,
O hither, come hither and be our lord,
For merry mischiefs are we!
We kiss sweet kiss, and we speak sweet word:
O listen, listen, your eyes shall glisten.
('Tis better than being by
Business? O fiddle-de-dee!!!
With pleasure and love make jubilee.
Leucosia, Ligea, Parthenope
Will load your briar and brew your tea.
And we keep rare stingo down under the sea,
For we tithe earth's commerce, all duty-free!
Where will you light on a happier shore.
Or gayer companions or richer store,
All the world o'er, all the world o'er?
Whither away? listen and stay! To Judy and Parliament fly no more!"
The Modern Ulysses half wishes he could!
CONFRÈRES.
Master Jacky (who took part in some school theatricals last term,—suddenly, to eminent Tragedian who has come to call). "I say, you know—I act!"
LYRE AND LANCET.
(A Story in Scenes.)
PART XI.—TIME AND THE HOUR.
Scene XIX.—The Dining Hall.
Spurrell (to himself, uncomfortably conscious of the expectant Thomas in his rear). Must write something to this beggar, I suppose; it'll keep him quiet. (To Mrs. Brooke-Chatteris.) I—I just want to write a line or two. Could you oblige me with a lead-pencil?
Mrs. Chatteris. You are really going to write! At a dinner-party, of all places! Now how delightfully original and unconventional of you! I promise not to interrupt till the inspiration is over. Only, really, I'm afraid I don't carry lead-pencils about with me—so bad for one's frocks, you know!
Thomas (in his ear). I can lend you a pencil, Sir, if you require one.
[He provides him with a very minute stump.
Spurr. (reading what he has written on the back of Undershell's missive). "Will be in my room (Verney Chamber) as soon after ten as possible.
"J. Spurrell."
(He passes the paper to Thomas, surreptitiously.) There, take him that.
[Thomas retires.
Archie (to himself). The calm cheek of these writin' chaps! I saw him takin' notes under the table! Lady Rhoda ought to know the sort of fellow he is—and she shall! (To Lady Rhoda, in an aggrieved undertone.) I should advise you to be jolly careful what you say to your other neighbour; he's takin' it all down. I just caught him writin'. He'll be bringing out a satire, or whatever he calls it, on us all by-and-by—you see if he won't!
Lady Rhoda. What an ill-natured boy you are! Just because he can write, and you can't. And I don't believe he's doin' anythin' of the sort. I'll ask him—I don't care! (Aloud, to Spurrell.) I say, I know I'm awfully inquisitive—but I do want to know so—you've just been writin' notes or somethin', haven't you? Mr. Bearpark declares you're goin' to take them all off here—you're not really, are you?
Spurr. (to himself). That sulky young chap has spotted it! (Aloud, stammering.) I—take everything off? Here! I—I assure you I should never even think of doing anything so indelicate!
Lady Rhoda. I was sure that was what you'd say! But still (with reviving uneasiness), I suppose you have made use of things that happened just to fit your purpose, haven't you?
Spurr. (penitently). All I can say is, that—if I have—you won't catch me doing it again! And other people's things don't fit. I'd much rather have my own.
Lady Rhoda (relieved). Of course! But I'm glad you told me. (To Archie, in an undertone.) I asked him—and, as usual, you were utterly wrong. So you'll please not to be a Pig!
Archie (jealously). And you're goin' to go on talkin' to him all through dinner? Pleasant for me—when I took you down!
Lady Rhoda. You want to be taken down yourself, I think. And I mean to talk to him if I choose. You can talk to Lady Culverin—she likes boys! (Turning to Spurrell.) I was goin' to ask you—ought a schipperke to have meat? Mine won't touch puppy biscuits.
[Spurrell enlightens her on this point; Archie glowers.
Lady Cantire (perceiving that the Bishop is showing signs of restiveness). Well, Bishop, I wish I could find you a little more ready to listen to what the other side has to say!
The Bishop (who has been "heckled" to the verge of his endurance). I am—ah—not conscious of any unreadiness to enter into conversation with the very estimable lady on my other side, should an opportunity present itself.
Lady Cant. Now, that's one of your quibbles, Dr. Rodney, and I detest quibbling! But at least it shows you haven't a leg to stand upon.
The Bishop. Precisely—nor to—ah—run away upon, dear Lady. I am wholly at your mercy, you perceive!
Lady Cant. (triumphantly). Then you admit you're beaten? Oh, I don't despair of you yet, Bishop!
The Bishop. I confess I am less sanguine. (To himself.) Shall I have strength to bear these buffets with any remains of Christian forbearance through three more courses? Ha, thank Heaven, the salad!
[He cheers up at the sight of this olive-branch.
Mrs. Earwaker (to Pilliner). Now, I don't altogether approve of the New Woman myself; but still, I am glad to see how women are beginning to assert themselves and come to the front; surely you sympathise with all that?
Pilliner (plaintively). No, really I can't, you know! I'd so much rather they wouldn't. They've made us poor men feel positively obsolete! They'll snub us out of existence soon—our sex will be extinct—and then they'll be sorry. There'll be nobody to protect them from one another! After all, we can't help being what we are. It isn't my fault that I was born a Man Thing—now, is it?
Lady Cant. (overhearing this remark). Well, if it is a fault, Mr. Pilliner, we must all acknowledge that you've done everything in your power to correct it!
Pill. (sweetly). How nice and encouraging of you, dear Lady Cantire, to take up the cudgels for me like that!
[The Countess privately relieves her feelings by expressing a preference for taking up a birch rod, and renews her attack on the Bishop.
Mr. Shorthorn (who has been dragging his mental depths for a fresh topic—hopefully, to Miss Spelwane). By the bye, I haven't asked you what you thought about
Miss Spelwane. No, you haven't; and I thought it so considerate of you.
[Mr. Shorthorn gives up dragging, in discouragement.
Pill. (sotto voce, to Miss Spelwane). Have you quite done sitting on that poor unfortunate man? I heard you!
Miss Spelw. (in the same tone). I'm afraid I have been rather beastly to him. But, oh, he is such a bore—he would talk about his horrid "silos" till I asked him whether they were easy to tame. After that, the subject dropped—somehow.
Pill. I see you've been punishing him for not happening to be a distinguished Poet. I thought he was to have been the fortunate man?
Miss Spelw. So he was; but they changed it all at the last moment: it really was rather provoking. I could have talked to him.
Pill. Lady Rhoda appears to be consoling him. Poor dear Archie's face is quite a study. But really I don't see that his poetry is so very wonderful; no more did you this morning!
Miss Spelw. Because you deliberately picked out the worst bits, and read them as badly as you could!
Pill. Ah, well, he's here to read them for himself now. I daresay he'd be delighted to be asked.
Miss Spelw. Do you know, Bertie, that's rather a good idea of yours. I'll ask him to read us something to-night.
Pill. (aghast). To-night! With all these people here? I say, they'll never stand it, you know.
[Lady Culverin gives the signal.
Miss Spelw. (as she rises). They ought to feel it an immense privilege. I know I shall.
The Bishop (to himself, as he rises). Port in sight—at last! But, oh, what I have had to suffer!
Lady Cant. (at parting). Well, we've had quite one of our old discussions. I always enjoy talking to you, Bishop. But I haven't yet got at your reasons for voting as you did on the Parish Councils Bill: we must go into that upstairs.
The Bishop (with veracity). I shall be—ah—all impatience, Lady Cantire. (To himself.) I fervently trust that a repetition of this experience may yet be spared me!
Lady Rhoda (as she leaves Spurrell). You will tell me the name of the stuff upstairs, won't you? So very much ta!
Archie (to himself). I'd like to tar him very much, and feather him too, for cuttin' me out like this! (The men sit down; Spurrell finds himself between Archie and Captain Thicknesse, at the further end of the table; Archie passes the wine to Spurrell with a scowl.) What are you drinkin'? Claret? What do you do your writin' on, now, as a general thing?
Spurr. (on the defensive). On paper, Sir, when I've any to do. Do you do yours on a slate?
Captain Thicknesse. I say, that's rather good. Had you there, Bearpark!
Spurr. (to Archie, lowering his voice). Look here, I see you're trying to put a spoke in my wheel. You saw me writing at dinner, and went and told that young lady I was going to take everything off there and then, which you must have known I wasn't likely to do. Now, Sir, it's no business of yours that I can see; but, as you seem to be interested, I may tell you that I shall do it in my own room, as soon as I leave this table, and there will be no fuss or publicity about it whatever. I hope you're satisfied now?
Archie. Oh, I'm satisfied. (He rises.) Left my cigarette-case upstairs—horrid bore—must go and get it.
Capt. Thick. They'll be bringing some round in another minute.
Archie. Prefer my own. (To himself, as he leaves the hall.) I knew I was right. That bounder is meaning to scribble some rot about us all! He's goin' straight up to his room to do it.... Well, he may find a little surprise when he gets there!
Capt. Thick. (to himself). Mustn't let this poet fellow think I'm jealous; daresay, after all, there's nothing serious between them. Not that it matters to me; anyway, I may as well talk to him. I wonder if he knows anything about steeplechasin'.
[He discovers that Spurrell is not unacquainted with this branch of knowledge.
Scene XX.—A Corridor leading to the Housekeeper's Room.
Time—9.30 P.M.
Undershell (to himself). If I wasn't absolutely compelled by sheer hunger, I would not touch a morsel in this house. But I can't get my things back till after ten. When I do, I will insist on a conveyance to the nearest inn. In the meantime I must sup. After all, no one need know of this humiliating adventure. And if I am compelled to consort with these pampered menials, I think I shall know how to preserve my dignity—even while adapting myself to their level. And that girl will be there—a distinctly redeeming fact in the situation. I will be easy and even affable; I will lay aside all foolish pride; it would be unreasonable to visit their employer's snobbery upon them. I hear conversation inside this room. This must be the door. I—I suppose I had better go in.
[He enters.
"I shall be—ah—all impatience, Lady Cantire."
FOLLOWING FOOTSTEPS.
(Fragment from a Romance founded on Reality.)
He had become famous. Or perhaps that was scarcely the word—notorious would have been better. At any rate his name had appeared in the papers. For nine days everyone talked about him. It was during those nine days that he was wanted. No, not by the myrmidons of the law. He had escaped them. His plea of innocent had been accepted. So far as Scotland Yard was concerned he was safe. Quite safe.
But was he safe from "that other"? Ah, there was the point. With the instinct of desperation he took himself off. He hurried away. He went by an excursion train—one that stopped at all the stations and was called a "fast train to this place" and "that place," but never referred to in connection with its destination—and arrived in due time at a cockney watering-place.
He was followed! As sure as fate, came the follower! Ready to hunt him down! Ready to take him! He rapidly repacked his bag. He hurriedly left for the station. Once again he was flying away. Now he had chosen a prosperous city. The place was teeming with population. Surely he would be lost in this giddy throng? No. He was followed! On came the pursuer! Ready to take him!
Again and again the same thing happened. Did he go to the Continent, his pursuer was after him. Did he travel to Scotland, he was met in the Highlands by the same fatal presence.
It was useless to fight against
"What do you want with me?"
"You were accused of murder, but was innocent."
"Yes," he returned, with an ugly frown. "I was innocent that time."
"You are an interesting person. I have followed you all this way because I have determined to interview you."
"No you don't," cried the pursued, drawing a sword walking-stick, and holding the blade dagger-wise.
"Yes I do," shouted the pursuer, producing a note-book. "And now tell me who were your father and mother?"
There was a short, decisive struggle, and then all was over.
"If there is ever an inquest in this distant spot," said the conqueror, "the jury will bring it in justifiable homicide."
And no doubt he was right in his conjecture.
Title for the New Irish Farcical Comedy.—The Two (or more) Shamrocks; or, A Little Cheque!
THE INCONVENIENCED TRAVELLER'S PHRASE-BOOK.
(To be Translated into every Language.)
An Incident en Route.
Why, although I telegraphed for rooms, am I told at three in the morning that there is no better accommodation for me than this stable?
Why do you threaten me with the police-station for protesting?
Why do you take me by the throat and drag me along when I am offering no resistance?
Why do you put me in a cell when I had ordered an apparently now occupied bed-chamber at the hotel?
Why do you refuse me a mattress, and take away the plank bedstead with which this dungeon is solely furnished?
Why may I not see a solicitor?
Why do you refuse to send for the British Consul when I tell you that my cousin's maiden aunt is engaged to a Bishop?
What more can I do to prove my respectability when I have shown you my certificate of birth, my commission in the Militia, my banker's pass-book, my diploma as an utter-barrister, several framed and illuminated addresses of congratulation, and my passport?
Why, although I have offered to pay for it, can I not have a decent breakfast?
Why do you insist upon my making a nauseous meal on stale bread and unfiltered water?
Why should you refuse me pens, ink, and paper?
Why should I not write to the Editor of the Times?
Why should you take away my watch, and put me in a practising-ground amidst drunkards, forgers, and burglars?
Why should you not believe me when I assure you that it is a mistake when you fancy I have come to sketch the outworks of the frontier fortress?
Why should you not credit my assertion that I only procured a circular ticket because I wanted to see foreign parts and taste foreign cookery?
Why, after all this worry and anxiety, should you mumble something about "misapprehension," and bundle me out without an apology?
The Runner Nuisance.—"T. L.," writing to The Times about the nuisance of "cab-runners" in the London streets, says, "a stream that cannot be dammed can be turned." But this stream of "cab-runners" is being daily and hourly so treated, of course only by male occupants of cabs carrying luggage, and the runners take nothing but "damnum et injuriam" for their pains. But when the travellers with impedimenta are ladies or ladies' maids, and nurses with children, then evidently this objectionable stream cannot be "dammed" unless the butler or a stalwart footman be at home to receive Mesdames les voyageuses. In these cases, Eve travelling ought to have Adam handy.
WHAT BROWN HAS TO PUT UP WITH.
The Throat Doctor. "And does your little Boy ever Snore, Mrs. Brown?"
Mrs. Brown. "I don't think so. He always sleeps in our Room, and we've never noticed it!"
Little Brown. "Mammy Snores—if you like!"
WIGS ON THE GREEN;
Or, the Friends of United Ireland.
Air—"Enniscorthy."
You may meet wid many a warrior, but don't make a mistake,
The wondher of the wurruld, and of pathriots wide-awake,
Is the Parthy that is "led" by poor McCarthy.
The way they "pull together" fills a man wid shame and dread;
They're all in love wid Erin swate—or lasteways so 'tis said—
And the way each proves his passion is by breaking 'tother's head,
'Tis that that plays the mischief wid McCarthy.
And at O'Brien aims a thump,
And Redmond hits all round with anger hearthy;
And the sticks they all go whacking,
And the skulls, faith, they are cracking.
When Justin tries to lead the Oirish Parthy!
Tim Healy dashed at "Honest John" and fought him to a close,
And Redmond showed designs upon O'Brien's classic nose,
It was that which riz the dander of McCarthy.
They hustled round poor Erin so they nearly knocked her down,
She barely dodged a cudgel that was aimed at Dillon's crown,
"And och!" she sighed, "if this is love a colleen well may frown
On the wooing of a crack-brained Oirish Parthy."
But Healy scorned O'Brien, and deemed Honest John a bore;
While Redmond called them liars all, and sycophants, and swore
There wasn't much to foight about save mutual hate and spleen,
And yet such a shillelagh-foight at Donnybrook ne'er was seen;
Black oies, red noses! Faith it looked as though they'd strew the Green
Wid the fragments of the "Chief" they called McCarthy.
And every friend of Erin wiped a tear from sorrow's oie;
Saying "If such friends of Unity why ever don't they trroy
To show a firm united Oirish Parthy?"
Sighed Erin "Would to Providence this faction-foight were done!
It breaks the hearts of pathriots, to my foes 'tis purest fun,
Why can't they sthop these parthy-sphlits and merge them into One?
That's all that now is needed,—ax McCarthy!"
He at O'Brien aims a thump,
And Redmond hits all round with anger hearthy;
And the sticks they still go whacking,
And the skulls they still are cracking.
Whosoever tries to lead the Oirish Parthy!
"WIGS ON THE GREEN!"
OR, THE FRIENDS OF UNITED IRELAND(?).
IN MEMORIAM.
LOUIS PHILIPPE ALBERT D'ORLÉANS, COMTE DE PARIS.
Died at Stowe House, Buckinghamshire, Sept. 8, 1894.