The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Entire Project Gutenberg Works of Mark Twain, by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net

Title: The Entire Project Gutenberg Works of Mark Twain

Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)

Release Date: September 20, 2004 [EBook #3200] [Date last updated: August 5, 2005 (Pudd'nhead Wilson update)]

Language: English

*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COMPLETE PG TWAIN ***

Produced by David Widger and Many Project Gutenberg Volunteers

THE ENTIRE GUTENBERG TWAIN FILES

BY MARK TWAIN (SAMUEL CLEMENS)

PG EDITOR'S NOTE: This is a compilation of all the works of Mark Twain in the Project Gutenberg Mark Twain collection which now has over sixty files. These individual files have been prepared by many different Gutenberg volunteers over a period of many years. Any of the individual works may be found in much smaller size than this "entire" file at:

                 http://www.gutenberg.org/catalog/

As additional works of Mark Twain become available the present file will be updated to include them. The bibliography of Twain by Albert Bigelow Paine has been used in organizing the major works in this collection in the order of the date of their first publication; however many of the short stories, speeches and other shorter works are not in chronologic order as they were originally included as part of major works of much different publishing date. D.W.

CONTENTS OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG TWAIN COLLECTION

THE INNOCENTS ABROAD
MARK TWAIN'S (BURLESQUE) AUTO-BIOGRAPHY
     FIRST ROMANCE.
ROUGHING IT
THE GILDED AGE (with Charles Dudley Warner)
SKETCHES NEW AND OLD
     MY WATCH
     POLITICAL ECONOMY
     THE JUMPING FROG
     JOURNALISM IN TENNESSEE
     THE STORY OF THE BAD LITTLE BOY
     THE STORY OF THE GOOD LITTLE BOY
     A COUPLE OF POEMS BY TWAIN AND MOORE
     NIAGARA
     ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS
     TO RAISE POULTRY
     EXPERIENCE OF THE MCWILLIAMSES WITH MEMBRANOUS CROUP
     MY FIRST LITERARY VENTURE
     HOW THE AUTHOR WAS SOLD IN NEWARK
     THE OFFICE BORE
     JOHNNY GREER
     THE FACTS IN THE CASE OF THE GREAT BEEF CONTRACT
     THE CASE OF GEORGE FISHER
     DISGRACEFUL PERSECUTION OF A BOY
     THE JUDGES "SPIRITED WOMAN"
     INFORMATION WANTED
     SOME LEARNED FABLES, FOR GOOD OLD BOYS AND GIRLS
     MY LATE SENATORIAL SECRETARYSHIP
     A FASHION ITEM
     RILEY-NEWSPAPER CORRESPONDENT
     A FINE OLD MAN
     SCIENCE vs. LUCK
     THE LATE BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
     MR. BLOKE'S ITEM
     A MEDIEVAL ROMANCE
     PETITION CONCERNING COPYRIGHT
     AFTER-DINNER SPEECH
     LIONIZING MURDERERS
     A NEW CRIME
     A CURIOUS DREAM
     A TRUE STORY
     THE SIAMESE TWINS
     SPEECH AT THE SCOTTISH BANQUET IN LONDON
     A GHOST STORY
     THE CAPITOLINE VENUS
     SPEECH ON ACCIDENT INSURANCE
     JOHN

CHINAMAN IN NEW YORK
     HOW I EDITED AN AGRICULTURAL PAPER
     THE PETRIFIED MAN
     MY BLOODY MASSACRE
     THE UNDERTAKER'S CHAT
     CONCERNING CHAMBERMAIDS
     AURELIA'S UNFORTUNATE YOUNG MAN
     "AFTER" JENKINS
     ABOUT BARBERS
     "PARTY CRIES" IN IRELAND
     THE FACTS CONCERNING THE RECANT RESIGNATION
     HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF
     HONORED AS A CURIOSITY
     FIRST INTERVIEW KITH ARTEMUS WARD
     CANNIBALISM IN THE CARS
     THE KILLING OF JULIUS CAESAR "LOCALIZED"
     THE WIDOW'S PROTEST
     THE SCRIPTURAL PANORAMIST
     CURING A COLD
     A CURIOUS PLEASURE EXCURSION
     RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR
     A MYSTERIOUS VISIT
THE CURIOUS REPUBLIC OF GONDOUR AND OTHER WHIMSICAL SKETCHES
     THE CURIOUS REPUBLIC OF GONDOUR
     A MEMORY
     INTRODUCTORY TO "MEMORANDA".
     ABOUT SMELLS
     A COUPLE OF SAD EXPERIENCES
     DAN MURPHY
     THE "TOURNAMENT" IN A.D. 1870
     CURIOUS RELIC FOR SALE
     A REMINISCENCE OF THE BACK SETTLEMENTS
     A ROYAL COMPLIMENT
     THE APPROACHING EPIDEMIC
     THE TONE-IMPARTING COMMITTEE
     OUR PRECIOUS LUNATIC
     THE EUROPEAN WAR
     THE WILD MAN INTERVIEWED
     LAST WORDS OF GREAT MEN
1601—CONVERSATION AT THE SOCIAL FIRESIDE OF THE TUDORS
THE FACTS CONCERNING THE RECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME IN CONNECTICUT
THE ADVENTURES OF TOM SAWYER
THE LOVES OF ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON AND OTHER STORIES
     THE LOVES OF ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON
     ON THE DECAY OF THE ART OF LYING
     ABOUT MAGNANIMOUS-INCIDENT LITERATURE
          THE GRATEFUL POODLE
          THE BENEVOLENT AUTHOR
          THE GRATEFUL HUSBAND
     PUNCH, BROTHERS, PUNCH
     THE GREAT REVOLUTION IN PITCAIRN
     THE CANVASSER'S TALE
     AN ENCOUNTER WITH AN INTERVIEWER
     PARIS NOTES
     LEGEND OF SAGENFELD, IN GERMANY
     SPEECH ON THE BABIES
     SPEECH ON THE WEATHER
     CONCERNING THE AMERICAN LANGUAGE
     ROGERS
SOME RAMBLING NOTES OF AN IDLE EXCURSION
THE STOLEN WHITE ELEPHANT
A TRAMP ABROAD
THE PRINCE AND THE PAUPER
LIFE ON THE MISSISSIPPI
THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN
A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT
THE AMERICAN CLAIMANT
EXTRACTS FROM ADAM'S DIARY
IN DEFENSE OF HARRIET SHELLEY
FENNIMORE COOPER'S LITERARY OFFENCES
ESSAYS ON PAUL BOURGET
     WHAT PAUL BOURGET THINKS OF US
     A LITTLE NOTE TO M. PAUL BOURGET
TOM SAWYER ABROAD
THE TRAGEDY OF PUDD'NHEAD WILSON
THOSE EXTRAORDINARY TWINS
PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS OF JOAN OF ARC
TOM SAWYER, DETECTIVE
FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR, A JOURNEY AROUND THE WORLD
THE MAN THAT CORRUPTED HADLEYBURG AND OTHER STORIES
     THE MAN THAT CORRUPTED HADLEYBURG
     MY FIRST LIE, AND HOW I GOT OUT OF IT
     THE ESQUIMAUX MAIDEN'S ROMANCE
     CHRISTIAN SCIENCE AND THE BOOK OF MRS. EDDY
     IS HE LIVING OR IS HE DEAD?
     MY DEBUT AS A LITERARY PERSON
     AT THE APPETITE-CURE
     CONCERNING THE JEWS
     FROM THE 'LONDON TIMES' OF 1904
     ABOUT PLAY-ACTING
     TRAVELLING WITH A REFORMER
     DIPLOMATIC PAY AND CLOTHES
     LUCK
     THE CAPTAIN'S STORY
     STIRRING TIMES IN AUSTRIA
     MEISTERSCHAFT
     MY BOYHOOD DREAMS
          TO THE ABOVE OLD

PEOPLE
     IN MEMORIAM—OLIVIA SUSAN CLEMENS
WHAT IS MAN AND OTHER ESSAYS
     WHAT IS MAN?
     THE DEATH OF JEAN
     THE TURNING-POINT OF MY LIFE
     HOW TO MAKE HISTORY DATES STICK
     THE MEMORABLE ASSASSINATION
     A SCRAP OF CURIOUS HISTORY
     SWITZERLAND, THE CRADLE OF LIBERTY
     AT THE SHRINE OF ST. WAGNER
     WILLIAM DEAN HOWELLS
     ENGLISH AS SHE IS TAUGHT
     A SIMPLIFIED ALPHABET
     AS CONCERNS INTERPRETING THE DEITY
     CONCERNING TOBACCO
     TAMING THE BICYCLE
     IS SHAKESPEARE DEAD?
THE MYSTERIOUS STRANGER AND OTHER STORIES
     THE MYSTERIOUS STRANGER
     A FABLE
     HUNTING THE DECEITFUL TURKEY
     THE McWILLIAMSES AND THE BURGLAR ALARM
A DOUBLE BARRELED DETECTIVE
THE $30,000 BEQUEST AND OTHER STORIES
      THE $30,000 BEQUEST
      A DOG'S TALE
      WAS IT HEAVEN? OR HELL?
      A CURE FOR THE BLUES
      THE ENEMY CONQUERED; OR, LOVE TRIUMPHANT
      THE CALIFORNIAN'S TALE
      A HELPLESS SITUATION
      A TELEPHONIC CONVERSATION
      EDWARD MILLS AND GEORGE BENTON: A TALE
      THE FIVE BOONS OF LIFE
      THE FIRST WRITING-MACHINES
      ITALIAN WITHOUT A MASTER
      ITALIAN WITH GRAMMAR
      A BURLESQUE BIOGRAPHY
      HOW TO TELL A STORY
      GENERAL WASHINGTON'S NEGRO BODY-SERVANT
      WIT INSPIRATIONS OF THE "TWO-YEAR-OLDS"
      AN ENTERTAINING ARTICLE
      A LETTER TO THE SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY
      AMENDED OBITUARIES
      A MONUMENT TO ADAM
      A HUMANE WORD FROM SATAN
      INTRODUCTION TO "THE NEW GUIDE OF THE
      CONVERSATION IN PORTUGUESE AND ENGLISH"
      ADVICE TO LITTLE GIRLS
      POST-MORTEM POETRY
      THE DANGER OF LYING IN BED
      PORTRAIT OF KING WILLIAM III
      DOES THE RACE OF MAN LOVE A LORD?
      EXTRACTS FROM ADAM'S DIARY
      EVE'S DIARY
A HORSE'S TALE
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE
EXTRACT FROM CAPTAIN STORMFIELD'S VISIT TO HEAVEN
IS SHAKESPEARE DEAD?
ON THE DECAY OF THE ART OF LYING
GOLDSMITH'S FRIEND ABROAD AGAIN
HOW TO TELL A STORY AND OTHER STORIES
     HOW TO TELL A STORY
          THE WOUNDED SOLDIER
          THE GOLDEN ARM
     MENTAL TELEGRAPHY AGAIN
     THE INVALIDS STORY
MARK TWAIN'S SPEECHES
     INTRODUCTION
     PREFACE
     THE STORY OF A SPEECH
     PLYMOUTH ROCK AND THE PILGRIMS
     COMPLIMENTS AND DEGREES
     BOOKS, AUTHORS, AND HATS
     DEDICATION SPEECH
     DIE SCHRECKEN DER DEUTSCHEN SPRACHE.
     THE HORRORS OF THE GERMAN LANGUAGE
     GERMAN FOR THE HUNGARIANS
     A NEW GERMAN WORD
     UNCONSCIOUS PLAGIARISM
     THE WEATHER
     THE BABIES
     OUR CHILDREN AND GREAT DISCOVERIES
     EDUCATING THEATRE-GOERS
     THE EDUCATIONAL THEATRE
     POETS AS POLICEMEN
     PUDD'NHEAD WILSON DRAMATIZED
     DALY THEATRE
     THE DRESS OF CIVILIZED WOMAN
     DRESS REFORM AND COPYRIGHT
     COLLEGE GIRLS
     GIRLS
     THE LADIES
     WOMAN'S PRESS CLUB
     VOTES FOR WOMEN
     WOMAN-AN OPINION
     ADVICE TO GIRLS
     TAXES AND MORALS
     TAMMANY AND CROKER
     MUNICIPAL CORRUPTION
     MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT
     CHINA AND THE

PHILIPPINES
     THEORETICAL AND PRACTICAL MORALS
     LAYMAN'S SERMON
     UNIVERSITY SETTLEMENT SOCIETY
     PUBLIC EDUCATION ASSOCIATION
     EDUCATION AND CITIZENSHIP
     COURAGE
     THE DINNER TO MR. CHOATE
     ON STANLEY AND LIVINGSTONE
     HENRY M. STANLEY
     DINNER TO MR. JEROME
     HENRY IRVING
     DINNER TO HAMILTON W. MABIE
     INTRODUCING NYE AND RILEY
     DINNER TO WHITELAW REID
     ROGERS AND RAILROADS
     THE OLD-FASHIONED PRINTER
     SOCIETY OF AMERICAN AUTHORS
     READING-ROOM OPENING
     LITERATURE
     DISAPPEARANCE OF LITERATURE
     THE NEW YORK PRESS CLUB DINNER
     THE ALPHABET AND SIMPLIFIED SPELLING
     SPELLING AND PICTURES
     BOOKS AND BURGLARS
     AUTHORS' CLUB
     BOOKSELLERS
     "MARK TWAIN's FIRST APPEARANCE"
     MORALS AND MEMORY
     QUEEN VICTORIA
     JOAN OF ARC
     ACCIDENT INSURANCE—ETC.
     OSTEOPATHY
     WATER-SUPPLY
     MISTAKEN IDENTITY
     CATS AND CANDY
     OBITUARY POETRY
     CIGARS AND TOBACCO
     BILLIARDS
     THE UNION RIGHT OR WRONG?
     AN IDEAL FRENCH ADDRESS
     STATISTICS
     GALVESTON ORPHAN BAZAAR
     SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE
     CHARITY AND ACTORS
     RUSSIAN REPUBLIC
     RUSSIAN SUFFERERS
     WATTERSON AND TWAIN AS REBELS
     ROBERT FULTON FUND
     FULTON DAY, JAMESTOWN
     LOTOS CLUB DINNER IN HONOR OF MARK TWAIN
     COPYRIGHT
     IN AID OF THE BLIND
     DR. MARK TWAIN, FARMEOPATH
     MISSOURI UNIVERSITY SPEECH
     BUSINESS
     CARNEGIE THE BENEFACTOR
     ON POETRY, VERACITY, AND SUICIDE
     WELCOME HOME
     AN UNDELIVERED SPEECH
     SIXTY-SEVENTH BIRTHDAY
     TO THE WHITEFRIARS
     THE ASCOT GOLD CUP
     THE SAVAGE CLUB DINNER
     GENERAL MILES AND THE DOG
     WHEN IN DOUBT, TELL THE TRUTH
     THE DAY WE CELEBRATE
     INDEPENDENCE DAY
     AMERICANS AND THE ENGLISH
     ABOUT LONDON
     PRINCETON
     THE ST. LOUIS HARBOR-BOAT "MARK TWAIN"
     SEVENTIETH BIRTHDAY
MARK TWAIN'S LETTERS 1853-1910
     ARRANGED WITH COMMENT BY ALBERT BIGELOW PAINE

THE COMPLETE PROJECT GUTENBERG MARK TWAIN

INNOCENTS ABROAD

by Mark Twain

[From an 1869—1st Edition]

CONTENTS

CHAPTER I. Popular Talk of the Excursion—Programme of the Trip—Duly Ticketed for the Excursion—Defection of the Celebrities

CHAPTER II. Grand Preparations—An Imposing Dignitary—The European Exodus —Mr. Blucher's Opinion—Stateroom No. 10—The Assembling of the Clans —At Sea at Last

CHAPTER III. "Averaging" the Passengers—Far, far at Sea.—Tribulation among the Patriarchs—Seeking Amusement under Difficulties—Five Captains in the Ship

CHAPTER IV. The Pilgrims Becoming Domesticated—Pilgrim Life at Sea —"Horse-Billiards"—The "Synagogue"—The Writing School—Jack's "Journal" —The "Q. C. Club"—The Magic Lantern—State Ball on Deck—Mock

Trials —Charades—Pilgrim Solemnity—Slow Music—The Executive Officer Delivers an Opinion

CHAPTER V. Summer in Mid-Atlantic—An Eccentric Moon—Mr. Blucher Loses Confidence —The Mystery of "Ship Time"—The Denizens of the Deep—"Land Hoh" —The First Landing on a Foreign Shore—Sensation among the Natives —Something about the Azores Islands—Blucher's Disastrous Dinner —The Happy Result

CHAPTER VI. Solid Information—A Fossil Community—Curious Ways and Customs —JesuitHumbuggery—Fantastic Pilgrimizing—Origin of the Russ Pavement —Squaring Accounts with the Fossils—At Sea Again

CHAPTER VII. A Tempest at Night—Spain and Africa on Exhibition—Greeting a Majestic Stranger—The Pillars of Hercules—The Rock of Gibraltar—Tiresome Repetition—"The Queen's Chair"—Serenity Conquered—Curiosities of the Secret Caverns—Personnel of Gibraltar—Some Odd Characters —A Private Frolic in Africa—Bearding a Moorish Garrison (without loss of life)—Vanity Rebuked—Disembarking in the Empire of Morocco

CHAPTER VIII. The Ancient City of Tangier, Morocco—Strange Sights—A Cradle of Antiquity—We become Wealthy—How they Rob the Mail in Africa—The Danger of being Opulent in Morocco

CHAPTER IX. A Pilgrim—in Deadly Peril—How they Mended the Clock—Moorish Punishments for Crime—Marriage Customs—Looking Several ways for Sunday —Shrewd, Practice of Mohammedan Pilgrims—Reverence for Cats—Bliss of being a Consul-General

CHAPTER X. Fourth of July at Sea—Mediterranean Sunset—The "Oracle" is Delivered of an Opinion—Celebration Ceremonies—The Captain's Speech—France in Sight—The Ignorant Native—In Marseilles—Another Blunder—Lost in the Great City—Found Again—A Frenchy Scene

CHAPTER XI. Getting used to it—No Soap—Bill of Fare, Table d'hote—"An American Sir"—A Curious Discovery—The "Pilgrim" Bird—Strange Companionship —A Grave of the Living—A Long Captivity—Some of Dumas' Heroes—Dungeon of the Famous "Iron Mask."

CHAPTXR XII. A Holiday Flight through France—Summer Garb of the Landscape—Abroad on the Great Plains—Peculiarities of French Cars—French Politeness American Railway Officials—"Twenty Mnutes to Dinner!"—Why there are no Accidents—The "Old Travellers"—Still on the Wing—Paris at Last——French Order and Quiet—Place of the Bastile—Seeing the Sights —A Barbarous Atrocity—Absurd Billiards

CHAPTER XIII. More Trouble—Monsieur Billfinger—Re-Christening the Frenchman—In the Clutches of a Paris Guide—The International Exposition—Fine Military Review—Glimpse of the Emperor Napoleon and the Sultan of Turkey

CHAPTER XIV. The Venerable Cathedral of Notre-Dame—Jean Sanspeur's Addition —Treasures and Sacred Relics—The Legend of the Cross—The Morgue—The Outrageious 'Can-Can'—Blondin Aflame—The Louvre Palace—The Great Park —Showy Pageantry—Preservation of Noted Things

CHAPTER XV. French National Burying—Ground—Among the Great Dead—The Shrine of Disappointed Love—The Story of Abelard and Heloise—"English Spoken Here"—"American Drinks Compounded Here"—Imperial Honors to an American—The Over-estimated Grisette—Departure from Paris—A Deliberate Opinion Concerning the Comeliness of American Women

CHAPTER XVI. Versailles—Paradise Regained—A Wonderful Park—Paradise Lost —Napoleonic Strategy

CHAPTER XVII. War—The American Forces Victorious—" Home Again"—Italy in Sight The "City of Palaces"—Beauty of the Genoese Women—The "Stub-Hunters" —Among the Palaces—Gifted Guide—Church Magnificence—"Women not Admitted"—How the Genoese Live—Massive Architecture—A Scrap of Ancient History—Graves for 60,000

CHAPTER XVIII. Flying Through Italy—Marengo—First Glimpse of the Famous Cathedral —Description of some of its Wonders—A Horror Carved in Stone——An Unpleasant Adventure—A Good Man—A Sermon from the Tomb—Tons of Gold and Silver—Some More Holy Relics—Solomon's Temple

CHAPTER XIX "Do You Wiz zo Haut can be?"—La Scala—Petrarch and Laura—Lucrezia Borgia—Ingenious Frescoes—Ancient Roman Amphitheatre—A Clever Delusion—Distressing Billiards—The Chief Charm of European Life—An Italian Bath—Wanted: Soap—Crippled French—Mutilated English—The Most Celebrated Painting in the World—Amateur Raptures—Uninspired Critics —Anecdote—A Wonderful Echo—A Kiss for a Franc

CHAPTER XX Rural Italy by Rail—Fumigated, According to Law—The Sorrowing Englishman—Night by the Lake of Como—The Famous Lake—Its Scenery —Como compared with Tahoe—Meeting a Shipmate

CHAPTER XXI. The Pretty Lago di Lecco—A Carriage Drive in the Country—Astonishing Sociability in a Coachman—Sleepy Land—Bloody Shrines—The Heart and Home of Priestcraft—A Thrilling Mediaeval Romance—The Birthplace of Harlequin—Approaching Venice

CHAPTER XXII. Night in Venice—The "Gay Gondolier"—The Grand Fete by Moonlight —The Notable Sights of Venice—The Mother of the Republics Desolate

CHANTER XXIII. The Famous Gondola—The Gondola in an Unromantic Aspect—The Great Square of St. Mark and the Winged Lion—Snobs, at Home and Abroad—Sepulchres of the Great Dead—A Tilt at the "Old Masters"—A Contraband Guide —The Conspiracy—Moving Again

CHAPTER XXIV. Down Through Italy by Rail—Idling in Florence—Dante and Galileo—An Ungrateful City—Dazzling Generosity—Wonderful Mosaics—The Historical Arno—Lost Again—Found Again, but no Fatted Calf Ready—The Leaning Tower of Pisa—The Ancient Duomo—The Old Original First Pendulum that Ever Swung—An Enchanting Echo—A New Holy Sepulchre—A Relic of Antiquity—A Fallen Republic—At Leghorn—At Home Again, and Satisfied, on Board the Ship—Our Vessel an Object of Grave Suspicion—Garibaldi Visited—Threats of Quarantine

CHAPTER XXV. The Works of Bankruptcy—Railway Grandeur—How to Fill an Empty Treasury—The Sumptuousness of Mother Church—Ecclesiastical Splendor —Magnificence and Misery—General Execration—More Magnificence A Good Word for the Priests—Civita Vecchia the Dismal—Off for Rome

CHAPTER XXVI. The Modern Roman on His Travels—The Grandeur of St. Peter's—Holy Relics —Grand View from the Dome—The Holy Inquisition—Interesting Old Monkish Frauds—The Ruined Coliseum—The Coliseum in the Days of its Prime —Ancient Playbill of a Coliseum Performance—A Roman Newspaper Criticism 1700 Years Old

CHAPTER XXVII. "Butchered to Make a Roman Holiday"—The Man who Never Complained —An Exasperating Subject—Asinine Guides—The Roman Catacombs The Saint Whose Fervor Burst his Ribs—The Miracle of the Bleeding Heart —The Legend of Ara Coeli

CHAPTER XXVIII. Picturesque Horrors—The Legend of Brother Thomas—Sorrow Scientifically Analyzed—A Festive Company of the Dead—The Great Vatican Museum

Artist Sins of Omission—The Rape of the Sabines—Papal Protection of Art—High Price of "Old Masters"—Improved Scripture—Scale of Rank of the Holy Personages in Rome—Scale of Honors Accorded Them —Fossilizing—Away for Naples

CHAPTER XXIX. Naples—In Quarantine at Last—Annunciation—Ascent of Mount Vesuvius—A Two Cent Community—The Black Side of Neapolitan Character—Monkish Miracles—Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued—The Stranger and the Hackman—Night View of Naples from the Mountain-side—-Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued

CHAPTER XXX. Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued—Beautiful View at Dawn—Less Beautiful in the Back Streets—Ascent of Vesuvius Continued—Dwellings a Hundred Feet High—A Motley Procession—Bill of Fare for a Peddler's Breakfast—Princely Salaries—Ascent of Vesuvius Continued—An Average of Prices—The wonderful "Blue Grotto"—Visit to Celebrated Localities in the Bay of Naples—The Poisoned "Grotto of the Dog"—A Petrified Sea of Lava—Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued—The Summit Reached—Description of the Crater—Descent of Vesuvius

CHAPTER XXXI. The Buried City of Pompeii—How Dwellings Appear that have been Unoccupied for Eighteen hundred years—The Judgment Seat—Desolation—The Footprints of the Departed—"No Women Admitted"—Theatres, Bakeshops, Schools—Skeletons preserved by the Ashes and Cinders—The Brave Martyr to Duty—Rip Van Winkle—The Perishable Nature of Fame

CHAPTER XXXII. At Sea Once More—The Pilgrims all Well—Superb Stromboli—Sicily by Moonlight—Scylla and Charybdis—The "Oracle" at Fault—Skirting the Isles of Greece Ancient Athens—Blockaded by Quarantine and Refused Permission to Enter—Running the Blockade—A Bloodless Midnight Adventure—Turning Robbers from Necessity—Attempt to Carry the Acropolis by Storm—We Fail—Among the Glories of the Past—A World of Ruined Sculpture—A Fairy Vision—Famous Localities—Retreating in Good Order —Captured by the Guards—Travelling in Military State—Safe on Board Again

CHAPTER XXXIII. Modern Greece—Fallen Greatness—Sailing Through the Archipelago and the Dardanelles—Footprints of History—The First Shoddy Contractor of whom History gives any Account—Anchored Before Constantinople—Fantastic Fashions—The Ingenious Goose-Rancher—Marvelous Cripples—The Great Mosque—The Thousand and One Columns—The Grand Bazaar of Stamboul

CHAPTER XXXIV. Scarcity of Morals and Whiskey—Slave-Girl Market Report—Commercial Morality at a Discount—The Slandered Dogs of Constantinople —Questionable Delights of Newspaperdom in Turkey—Ingenious Italian Journalism—No More Turkish Lunches Desired—The Turkish Bath Fraud —The Narghileh Fraud—Jackplaned by a Native—The Turkish Coffee Fraud

CHAPTER XXXV. Sailing Through the Bosporus and the Black Sea—"Far-Away Moses" —Melancholy Sebastopol—Hospitably Received in Russia—Pleasant English People—Desperate Fighting—Relic Hunting—How Travellers Form "Cabinets"

CHAPTER XXXVI. Nine Thousand Miles East—Imitation American Town in Russia—Gratitude that Came Too Late—To Visit the Autocrat of All the Russias

CHAPTER XXXVII. Summer Home of Royalty—Practising for the Dread Ordeal—Committee on Imperial Address—Reception by the Emperor and Family—Dresses of the Imperial Party—Concentrated Power—Counting the Spoons—At the Grand Duke's—A Charming Villa—A Knightly Figure—The Grand Duchess—A Grand Ducal Breakfast—Baker's Boy, the Famine-Breeder—Theatrical Monarchs a Fraud—Saved as by Fire—The

Governor—General's Visit to the Ship —Official "Style"—Aristocratic Visitors—"Munchausenizing" with Them —Closing Ceremonies

CHAPTER XXXVIII. Return to Constantinople—We Sail for Asia—The Sailors Burlesque the Imperial Visitors—Ancient Smyrna—The "Oriental Splendor" Fraud —The "Biblical Crown of Life"—Pilgrim Prophecy-Savans—Sociable Armenian Girls—A Sweet Reminiscence—"The Camels are Coming, Ha-ha!"

CHAPTER XXXIX. Smyrna's Lions—The Martyr Polycarp—The "Seven Churches"—Remains of the Six Smyrnas—Mysterious Oyster Mine Oysters—Seeking Scenery—A Millerite Tradition—A Railroad Out of its Sphere

CHAPTER XL. Journeying Toward Ancient Ephesus—Ancient Ayassalook—The Villanous Donkey—A Fantastic Procession—Bygone Magnificence—Fragments of History—The Legend of the Seven Sleepers

CHAPTER XLI. Vandalism Prohibited—Angry Pilgrims—Approaching Holy Land!—The "Shrill Note of Preparation"—Distress About Dragomans and Transportation —The "Long Route" Adopted—In Syria—Something about Beirout—A Choice Specimen of a Greek "Ferguson"—Outfits—Hideous Horseflesh—Pilgrim "Style"—What of Aladdin's Lamp?

CHAPTER XLII. "Jacksonville," in the Mountains of Lebanon—Breakfasting above a Grand Panorama—The Vanished City—The Peculiar Steed, "Jericho"—The Pilgrims Progress—Bible Scenes—Mount Hermon, Joshua's Battle Fields, etc. —The Tomb of Noah—A Most Unfortunate People

CHAPTER XLIII. Patriarchal Customs—Magnificent Baalbec—Description of the Ruins —Scribbling Smiths and Joneses—Pilgrim Fidelity to the Letter of the Law —The Revered Fountain of Baalam's Ass

CHAPTER XLIV. Extracts from Note-Book—Mahomet's Paradise and the Bible's—Beautiful Damascus the Oldest City on Earth—Oriental Scenes within the Curious Old City—Damascus Street Car—The Story of St. Paul—The "Street called Straight"—Mahomet's Tomb and St. George's—The Christian Massacre —Mohammedan Dread of Pollution—The House of Naaman —The Horrors of Leprosy

CHAPTER XLV. The Cholera by way of Variety—Hot—Another Outlandish Procession—Pen and-Ink Photograph of "Jonesborough," Syria—Tomb of Nimrod, the Mighty Hunter—The Stateliest Ruin of All—Stepping over the Borders of Holy-Land—Bathing in the Sources of Jordan—More "Specimen" Hunting —Ruins of Cesarea—Philippi—"On This Rock Will I Build my Church"—The People the Disciples Knew—The Noble Steed "Baalbec"—Sentimental Horse Idolatry of the Arabs

CHAPTER XLVI. Dan—Bashan—Genessaret—A Notable Panorama—Smallness of Palestine —Scraps of History—Character of the Country—Bedouin Shepherds—Glimpses of the Hoary Past—Mr. Grimes's Bedouins—A Battle—Ground of Joshua —That Soldier's Manner of Fighting—Barak's Battle—The Necessity of Unlearning Some Things—Desolation

CHAPTER XLVII. "Jack's Adventure"—Joseph's Pit—The Story of Joseph—Joseph's Magnanimity and Esau's—The Sacred Lake of Genessaret—Enthusiasm of the Pilgrims—Why We did not Sail on Galilee—About Capernaum—Concerning the Saviour's Brothers and Sisters—Journeying toward Magdela

CHAPTER XLVIII. Curious Specimens of Art and Architecture—Public Reception of the Pilgrims—Mary Magdalen's House—Tiberias and its Queer Inhabitants —The Sacred Sea of Galilee—Galilee by Night

CHAPTER XLIX. The Ancient Baths—Ye Apparition—A Distinguished Panorama—The Last Battle of the

Crusades—The Story of the Lord of Kerak—Mount Tabor —What one Sees from its Top—Memory of a Wonderful Garden—The House of Deborah the Prophetess

CHAPTER L. Toward Nazareth—Bitten By a Camel—Grotto of the Annunciation, Nazareth —Noted Grottoes in General—Joseph's Workshop—A Sacred Bowlder —The Fountain of the Virgin—Questionable Female Beauty —Literary Curiosities

CHAPTER LI. Boyhood of the Saviour—Unseemly Antics of Sober Pilgrims—Home of the Witch of Endor—Nain—Profanation—A Popular Oriental Picture—Biblical Metaphors Becoming steadily More Intelligible—The Shuuem Miracle —The "Free Son of The Desert"—Ancient Jezrael—Jehu's Achievements —Samaria and its Famous Siege

CHAPTER LII Curious Remnant of the Past—Shechem—The Oldest "First Family" on Earth —The Oldest Manuscript Extant—The Genuine Tomb of Joseph—Jacob's Well —Shiloh—Camping with the Arabs—Jacob's Ladder—More Desolation —Ramah, Beroth, the Tomb of Samuel, The Fountain of Beira—Impatience —Approaching Jerusalem—The Holy City in Sight—Noting Its Prominent Features—Domiciled Within the Sacred Walls

CHAPTER LIII. "The Joy of the Whole Earth"—Description of Jerusalem—Church of the Holy Sepulchre—The Stone of Unction—The Grave of Jesus—Graves of Nicodemus and Joseph of Armattea—Places of the Apparition—The Finding of the There Crosses——The Legend—Monkish Impostures—The Pillar of Flagellation—The Place of a Relic—Godfrey's Sword—"The Bonds of Christ"—"The Center of the Earth"—Place whence the Dust was taken of which Adam was Made—Grave of Adam—The Martyred Soldier—The Copper Plate that was on the Cross—The Good St. Helena—Place of the Division of the Garments—St. Dimas, the Penitent Thief—The Late Emperor Maximilian's Contribution—Grotto wherein the Crosses were Found, and the Nails, and the Crown of Thorns—Chapel of the Mocking—Tomb of Melchizedek—Graves of Two Renowned Crusaders—The Place of the Crucifixion

CHAPTER LIV. The "Sorrowful Way"—The Legend of St. Veronica's Handkerchief —An Illustrious Stone—House of the Wandering Jew—The Tradition of the Wanderer—Solomon's Temple—Mosque of Omar—Moslem Traditions—"Women not Admitted"—The Fate of a Gossip—Turkish Sacred Relics—Judgment Seat of David and Saul—Genuine Precious Remains of Solomon's Temple—Surfeited with Sights—The Pool of Siloam—The Garden of Gethsemane and Other Sacred Localities

CHAPTER LV. Rebellion in the Camp—Charms of Nomadic Life—Dismal Rumors—En Route for Jericho and The Dead Sea—Pilgrim Strategy—Bethany and the Dwelling of Lazarus—"Bedouins!"—Ancient Jericho—Misery—The Night March —The Dead Sea—An Idea of What a "Wilderness" in Palestine is—The Holy hermits of Mars Saba—Good St. Saba—Women not Admitted—Buried from the World for all Time—Unselfish Catholic Benevolence—Gazelles—The Plain of the Shepherds—Birthplace of the Saviour, Bethlehem—Church of the Nativity—Its Hundred Holy Places—The Famous "Milk" Grotto—Tradition —Return to Jerusalem—Exhausted

CHAPTER LVI. Departure from Jerusalem—Samson—The Plain of Sharon—Arrival at Joppa —Horse of Simon the Tanner—The Long Pilgrimage Ended—Character of Palestine Scenery—The Curse

CHAPTER LVII. The Happiness of being at Sea once more—"Home" as it is in a Pleasure Ship—"Shaking Hands" with the Vessel—Jack in Costume—His Father's Parting Advice—Approaching Egypt—Ashore in Alexandria—A Deserved Compliment for the Donkeys—Invasion of the Lost Tribes of America—End of the Celebrated "Jaffa

Colony"—Scenes in Grand Cairo—Shepheard's Hotel Contrasted with a Certain American Hotel—Preparing for the Pyramids

CHAPTER LVIII. "Recherche" Donkeys—A Wild Ride—Specimens of Egyptian Modesty—Moses in the Bulrushes—Place where the Holy Family Sojourned—Distant view of the Pyramids—A Nearer View—The Ascent—Superb View from the top of the Pyramid—"Backsheesh! Backsheesh!"—An Arab Exploit—In the Bowels of the Pyramid—Strategy—Reminiscence of "Holiday's Hill"—Boyish Exploit—The Majestic Sphynx—Things the Author will not Tell—Grand Old Egypt

CHAPTER LIX. Going Home—A Demoralized Note-Book—A Boy's Diary—Mere Mention of Old Spain—Departure from Cadiz—A Deserved Rebuke—The Beautiful Madeiras —Tabooed—In the Delightful Bermudas—An English Welcome—Good-by to "Our Friends the Bermudians"—Packing Trunks for Home—Our First Accident—The Long Cruise Drawing to a Close—At Home—Amen

CHAPTER LX. Thankless Devotion—A Newspaper Valedictory—Conclusion

PREFACE

This book is a record of a pleasure trip. If it were a record of a solemn scientific expedition, it would have about it that gravity, that profundity, and that impressive incomprehensibility which are so proper to works of that kind, and withal so attractive. Yet notwithstanding it is only a record of a pic-nic, it has a purpose, which is to suggest to the reader how he would be likely to see Europe and the East if he looked at them with his own eyes instead of the eyes of those who traveled in those countries before him. I make small pretense of showing anyone how he ought to look at objects of interest beyond the sea—other books do that, and therefore, even if I were competent to do it, there is no need.

I offer no apologies for any departures from the usual style of travel-writing that may be charged against me—for I think I have seen with impartial eyes, and I am sure I have written at least honestly, whether wisely or not.

In this volume I have used portions of letters which I wrote for the Daily Alta California, of San Francisco, the proprietors of that journal having waived their rights and given me the necessary permission. I have also inserted portions of several letters written for the New York Tribune and the New York Herald.

THE AUTHOR. SAN FRANCISCO.