Petrified with astonishment at the immense learning and research he displayed, for it observed a Stony silence, only interrupted by an occasional snore.

A brilliant paper on the Illuminating Power of Gas was read by Professor M.T. HEAD. It was a most Luminous production, and proved conclusively that an immense expenditure of gas sometimes throws very little Light on any Subject. The Professor is thoroughly versed in Meters, and is the author of the "Volume of Gas" which has attracted so much attention in the scientific world.

Professor SUETT addressed the Scientists on the Effect of Tallow upon Ox(h)ides. From certain experiments made by him it appears that the Oleaginous principle is incompatible with Water, and unfavorable to the action of rust.

A member was of the opinion that this important discovery might be turned to great practical advantage, as the application of cart grease to rusty iron axles might possibly facilitate the rotary motion of the wheels.

This novel and valuable suggestion was hailed with shouts of applause, and the thanks of the Convention were immediately voted to the distinguished member, whose name I have unfortunately forgotten.

Professor HYDRAGE read an Essay on the Transit of Mercury, which he said would take place in the form of a Bed Precipitate in 1878. It may possibly take place before then, however, as the Faculty of Medicine are said to be rapidly abandoning the use of calomel.

The State Conchologist read an extremely interesting disquisition on the Oyster, which was divided into sections and literally devoured by the audience. He also exhibited some Specimens of Conchs, which were regular Sneezers in point of size.

An announcement which was made by the distinguished Astronomer, Professor LOONEY, created a most profound sensation.

He stated that with the aid of a powerful telescope he had discovered an immense Fissure in the Moon. He was quite positive that he had also observed a Man in the Gap. Although unable to distinguish the features of this individual, he thought it might possibly be JAMES STEPHENS, the missing Fenian Head Centre.

When the excitement consequent upon this startling announcement had subsided, I rose and addressed the Convention as follows:

"Ladies and Gentlemen: I cannot express, in words, the profound gratification with which I have listened to the learned and eloquent addresses which have just been delivered. The advancement of Science is an object which is worthy the efforts of such distinguished savants as I see around me, and to this object they have brought that profundity of learning which is only to be gathered from the perusal of elementary text books, that almost strabismal acuteness of perception which enables them to descry such great scientific truths as can be discovered through an orifice in a barn door, and that wonderful power of discrimination which enables them to distinguish between the seed of the leguminous plant known as the bean, and the other vegetable productions of Nature, when the bag is open.

As an humble member of the Brotherhood of Science, I desire to contribute, in however insignificant a degree, to the Great Cause of Learning. I will therefore, with Your Permission, read" (loud cries of 'No! No!' 'Put him out!' etc., to which of course I paid no attention,) "the following papers: 'An Inquiry as to Whether Diptheria has anything to do with the Migration of the Swallow,' 'On the possibility of straightening the curve of the African Shin Bone.' 'On Marine Plants and Deep Sea Currents.' 'On the Laws of Mechanics, with observations on the Mechanic's Lien Law and the By-Laws of Trades Unions.' 'Some Reflections on Reflection.' 'The Connection between Mathematics and Versification, as illustrated by LOGARHYTHMS.' 'Minute Experiments with the Hour-Glass,' and 'Important Speculations on the Sea Changes.'"

I proceeded to read the first of the above named papers, but before I had got very far, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, I was interrupted by a peculiar sound, which I at first took for subdued applause, but which, on investigation, I found proceeded from the noses of the audience. In short, Mr. P., both audience and Convention were in a profound slumber. Considerably mortified, I withdrew in silence. I am determined, however, that my theses shall not be lost to posterity. I intend to have them published, and to send you a copy of each.

Profoundly yours,

CHINCAPIN.

Pearing Time.

We learn that "some of the pear trees in Suffolk County are now in blossom." Surely such a season as this one for pears has never before been seen. Who knows but the fact may induce SUSAN B. ANTHONY to go pairing with some Revolutionary bachelor?

A.

About a Clock
Advice to Picnic Parties
Aerated Verbiage
Agricultural Column, Our
Albany Cock Robins
Allurements of the Period
All Aboard for Holland
All Hail
American Cutlery in France
Answers to Correspondents
Arrah, What Does He Mane, at All?
Astronomical Conversations
Associated Press Telegrams
Augean Job, An

B.

Ballad of Capt. Eyre, The
Bachelor's Moving Day, The
Bad "Odor" in the West
Ballad of the Good Litttle Boy aged ten
"Behold how Pleasant a Thing," &c.
Beautiful Snow
Bit of Natural History, A
Bird of Wisdom in Iowa, The
Bingham on Rome
Blocks and Blockheads
Book Notices
Boyhood
Bow-Wow!
Broadbrim to Aborigine
Business
By George

C.

Cause and Effect
Captain Hall, To
Cable News
Caution
Cats, On
Card of Thanks, A
Chat about Railroads, A
Chance for our Organ Grinders, A
Charge of the Ninth Brigade
Chinopathy
China Pattern, A
Chincapin at Long Branch
Chincapin among the Free Lovers
Church Militant
Cincinnatus Sweeny
Condensed Congress
Colonel Fisk's Soliloquy
Cons, by a Wrecker
Comic Zoology
Congressman to his Critics, A
Consistent League, A
Coup d'etat, My
Correspondence Bureau
Contemporary Sentiments
Conversion of the "Sun"
Cool, if not Comfortable
Colored Troopa Fought Nobly, The
Criticism of the Period
Critical Intelligence
Crispin vs. Coolie
Current Tables
CARTOONS—March 4, 1869—March 4, 1870
Our Efficient Navy Department
The Descent of the great Massachusetts Frog upon the Newspaper Flies
The Great National Game
Financial Belief
The Sick Eagle
The Financial Inquisition
Editorial Washing Day in New York
The New Plea for Murder
International Yachting
The Wedding Ring as Sorosis would like to see it
The Blood Money
"What I Know About Farming"
The Wedding Ring again
Modern Matrimony
Yan-ki vs. Yankee
The New Pandora's Box
Lncifer's Little Game with his Royal Puppets
Death of the "Entente Cordial"
Wonderful Tour de Force
The Ovation of Murder
Law versus Lawlessness
What Will He Do With It?
At the Saratoga Convention
Humpty Dumpty

D.

Depressions for Chicago
Delights of Dougherty, The
Desultory Hints and Maxims for Anglers
Distinguished Visitor, A
Dorgs, On
Dogs Tale, A
Down the Bay
Drainage under Difficulties
Dreadful State of Things out West, The
Dubious English
Dwarf Dejected, The

E.

Earthly Paradise
Editorial Washing Day
Elevated Statesmanship
England's Quandry
Episode of Jack Horner
Excellent Old Song Made New, An
Excelsior

F.

Fable
Ferocity of Failure, The
Female Gentleman, The
Fifteenth Amendment
Finances, On the
Fish Sauce
Fine Arts in Philadelphia
Fiscalities
Fish Culture
Fishery Question, The
Financial
Financial Article, Our
Four Seasons, The
Forty-four to Fourteen
Foreign Correspondence
Foam
Free Baths, The
From an Anxious Mother to her Daughter
Fun and Fin

G.

Gay Young Joker, A
George Francis the Ubiquitous
Glimpses of Fortune
Gossip in a School-house
Good for Something Better
Gravestones For Sale
Grant's Blackbird pie
Greeley's Aid to Literary Effort
Greeley on Bailey
Great Canal Enterprise, The
Great African Tea Company, The
Greek Meeting Greek

H.

Habits of Great Men
Hamlet from a Rural Point
Hall and Hayes
H. G. and Terpsichore
Hints for the Family
High and Low Church
Hints upon High Art
Hints to Car Conductors
Hints for Those Who Will Take Them
Hints for the Census
High Notes by our Musical Critic
Hiram Green at Saratoga
Hiram Green at the Tower of Babel
Hiram Green on the Chinese
Hiram Green Experience as an Editor
Hiram Green writes to Napoleon
Hiram Green on Jersey Musquitoes
Hiram Green at the Female Convention
Hiram Green on Base Ball
Hiram Green among the Fat men
Hiram Green to Napoleon
Hiram Green in Wall Street
How a Disciple of Fox Became a Lover of Bull
Horticultural Hints
Holy-Grail, and other Poems, The
Homodeification
Hyperborean

I.

Idiomatic Items
Important to Publishers
Indian, The
Interesting to Bone Boilers
Interior Illumination
Indian Question, The
Information Wanted
Inspiration vs. Perspiration
Items from our Rural Reporters

J

Joys of Summer, The
Jottings from Washington
Jumbles
Jupiter Bellicosus

K

Kellogg Testimonials, The
King Oakey, the First
King Craft Looking Up

L

Latest from Washington
Latest News Items
Latest about "Lo."
Letter from a Friend
Letter of Advice, A
Letter from a Japanese Student
Letter from a Croaker, A
Leaven of Leavenworth
Literary Vampire
Lines by a Hapless Swain
Long Shot, A
"Lot" on a Lot of Proverbs
Love in a Boarding-House
Lucus a non, etc

M

Mariner's Wrongs, The
Marriage Market in Rome, The
Maine Question in Massachusetts
Marine Mixture, A
Managers of Railroads, To
Medical Miss, A
Methodist Book Concern, Concerning the
Mercantile Library Association
Mind your P's and Q's
Miseries of a Handsome Man
Motley Melody, A
Municipal Competition
Murphy the Conqueror
Mythology, Of
Mystery of Mr. E. Drood.
Mythology, Further of
Mythology, More

N

National Taxidermy
Napoleon's Latest Manifesto
Natural Mistake, A
New Conglomerate Pavement
New England to New York
New Railway Project, A
New "Process", The
Ninety-nine in the Shade
Nothing like Leather
Notary's Protest, A
Nought for Nought
Now We Shall Have It
Notes from Chicago
Now's your Chance
Note from the Orchestra

O

Ode to the Missing Collector
Old Bailey Practitioner, An
Old Boy to the Young Ones, An
Old Saws Re-set
Old Iron
Olive Logan
Opinions of the Press
Orange Peel, Etcetera
Origin of the Mississippi
Orpheus C. Kerr, Sketch of
Organizing an Organ
Origin of Punchinello
O, that air!
Our Future
Out of the Streets
Our Literary Legate
Our Cuban Telegrams
Our Explosives

P

Patriotic Adoration
Pat to the Question
Parable About the 12th of July
Pardonable Solicitude
Perennius Ære
Periodical Literature
Philadelvings
Plays and Shows
Please the Pigs
Plea for Protection
Pluckily Patriotic, Still
Poems of the Cradle
Popularity, Our
Political Claptrap
Police Report, Our
Possible "Why" of it, The
Portfolio, Our
Prospectus
Pump, The
Punchinello's New Charter
Punchinello in Wall Street
Punchinello's Lyrics
Punchinello and the Aldermen
Punchinello on the Jury
Punchinello Is Sorry
Punchinello's Vacations
Punchinello as a "Savan"

Q

Query

R

Raising Cain
Rather Mixed
Rather Flashy Idea, A
Ramblings
Real Estate of Woman, The
Religious Amusements
Remonstrance, A
Religion of Temperance
Receipe to be Tested
Reform in Juvenile Literature
Rejuvenated France
Right and Left
Robins, The
Romaunt of the Oyster
Rose by any other Name, A
Roar from Niagara, A
Romance of a Rich Young Man

S

Sailing Directions, &c
Science Forever
Seasonable Parody, A
Several Unsavory Renderings
Ship Ahoy!
Sic Semper Epluribus, &c
Sorosian Impromptu, A
Song of the Returned Soldier
Song of the New Babel
Song of the Red Cloud
Song of the Chicago Lawyer
Song of the Mosquito
Society, &c
Spencerian Chaff
Spiritual Susceptibility of Cats
Spring Fever
Spirit of the Navy
Standard Literature
Stridor Pentium
Summer on the Catskills
Summer at Sandy Point

T

Taking a Senator's Measure
Take Care of the Wounded
Temperance Song
That Indian Talk
Thiers, Idle Thiers
Thirteenth Man in the Omnibus
Titans
"Tobacco Parliament" of Ohio, The
To Our Readers
Traveller's Tales
Treatment for Potato Bugs
Truly Noble
Tutti Tremando
Turkish Bath, My

U

Ulyss, To
Umbrella, The
Uncle Samuel
Universockdology
Urbs in Rure

V

V.H. to Punchinello
Visit to "Sheridan's Ride"
Voice from the Hub
Voice of the Turtle, The
Vultures Call, The

W

Wanted, a Sheriff
War, The
Wat Cum Snecst
Way to Become Great, The
Weather Prophecies for May
Western Nomenclature
What the Press is Expected to Say
What I Know About Free Trade
What I Know About Protection
What Is It
What Sigerson Says
What Shall We Call It?
Why is it so Dry?
Woman, Past and Present
Women's Rights Again
Woman in Wall Street
Woman in the Census
Woman's Right to Ballot and Bullet
Words and their Abases
Wrong Mouth
Wringer of the Future

Y

Y.M.C.A.