resembling the German CROWN PRINCE has been dug up at Reading. This is very good for a beginning, but our amateur potato-growers must produce a HINDENBURG if we are to win the War.

A woman walked into a shop at Cuckfield and settled a bill sent to her twenty-four years ago, but it is not stated whether she was really able to obtain any sugar.

The R.S.P.C.A. grows more and more alert. A man who hid three and a half pounds of stolen margarine in his horse's nose-bag has just been fined five pounds.

"Dogs," says the Acton magistrate, "are not allowed to bite people they dislike." All the same there have been times when we have felt that it would have been an act of supererogation to explain to the postman that our dog was really attached to him.

A taxi-cab driver has been fined two pounds for using abusive language to a policeman. Only his explanation, that he thought he was addressing a fare, saved him from a heavier penalty.

Doctor. "YOUR THROAT IS IN A VERY BAD STATE. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED GARGLING WITH SALT WATER?"

Skipper. "Yus, I'VE BEEN TORPEDOED SIX TIMES."

A War Bargain.

"BRIGHTON.—A small General for Sale through old age. No reasonable offer refused."—West Sussex Gazette.

"An enormous burden of detail is thus taken off the shareholders of the Munitions Minister."—Liverpool Daily Post.

This will strengthen the belief that Mr. CHURCHILL is not a man but a syndicate.

"From that successful German campaign sprang the United Terrific Peoples—the Modern German Empire."—Nigerian Pioneer.

The author wrote "Teutonic Peoples," but the native compositor thought he knew better—and perhaps he did.

ONE STAR.

Occasionally I receive letters from friends whom I have not seen lately addressed to Lieutenant M—— and apologising prettily inside in case I am by now a colonel; in drawing-rooms I am sometimes called "Captain-er"; and up at the Fort the other day a sentry of the Royal Defence Corps, wearing the Créçy medal, mistook me for a Major, and presented crossbows to me. This is all wrong. As Mr. GARVIN well points out, it is important that we should not have a false perspective of the War. Let me, then, make it perfectly plain—I am a Second Lieutenant.

When I first became a Second Lieutenant I was rather proud. I was a Second Lieutenant "on probation." On my right sleeve I wore a single star. So:

(on probation, of course).

On my left sleeve I wore another star. So:

(also on probation).

They were good stars, none better in the service; and as we didn't like the sound of "on probation" Celia put a few stitches in them to make them more permanent. This proved effective. Six months later I had a very pleasant note from the KING telling me that the days of probation were now over, and making it clear that he and I were friends.

I was now a real Second Lieutenant. On my right sleeve I had a single star. Thus:

(not on probation).

On my left sleeve I also had a single star. In this manner:

This star also was now a fixed one.

From that time forward my thoughts dwelt naturally on promotion. There were exalted persons in the regiment called Lieutenants. They had two stars on