satisfied."

"Been turning that into an orchard, have you?" he asked. "Very patriotic, I'm sure."

"Well, I don't know," I said. "My wife wants to make pot-pourri as usual, but what I say is, in these days—and with all that sugar—it would surely be more patriotic (as you say) to make fleurs de Nice."

"It would be more patriotic perhaps," observed Lord RHONDDA'S minion sententiously, "not to make jam at all."

"Ah!" I said. "Have a glass of beer before you go."

W.B.

UNDER THE GREENWOOD TREE.

Chorus. "HERE SHALL HE SEE

NO ENEMY

BUT WINTER AND ROUGH WEATHER."

Taxi-driver (who has forced lady-driver on to the pavement). "NOW, THEN, IF YOU WANT TO LOOK IN THE SHOP WINDOWS WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A DAY OFF?"

Headline in The Yorkshire Daily Observer:—

"KAISER'S 1904 PLOTS"

No doubt there were quite as many as that, but we should like to know how our contemporary arrives at the exact number.

AN EXTRAORDINARY DAY.

1. A Staff Officer came back from the line without having had a narrow escape.

2. A General visited the line and expressed unqualified approval of everything he saw.

3. A Quartermaster-Sergeant put all the contents of the rum-jar into the tea.

4. A sniper fired at a Hun and reported a miss.

5. A bombing-party threw bombs into a sap without reporting "shrieks and groans were heard, and it is thought that many casualties were inflicted."

6. A Sergeant-Major complimented a new squad of recruits.

7. Somebody read an Intelligence Summary.

8. A very high official fired the first shot to open the new rifle-range and failed to hit the bull.

NOTE—(a) The Marker was not court-martialled for spreading alarm and despondency in His Majesty's forces; but

(b) The quality of mercy was fearfully strained.

9. A bombing-class came back from practice without a single casualty.

10. A Subaltern got leave on compassionate grounds. He wanted to be married.

11. A Corps Commander was punctual at an inspection. And

12. It did not rain on the day of the offensive.

Truly an extraordinary day. Shall we ever live to see it, I wonder?

MORE SEX PROBLEMS

"For Sale.—Dark red Shorthorn Bulls, from two years downwards, bred to milk for thirty years."—Farmer's Weekly.

"For Sale by Auction, one Mare Colt."—Kent and Sussex Courier.

"Then again the cockerel is a summer layer."—Irish Farming World.

"Sir Godfrey Baring, the sitting Liberal member, is not standing again."—Evening Paper.

If he's not going to sit or stand, he'll have to take it lying down.

"WEST OF ENGLAND.—To be Sold, a perfect gentleman's Residence, in faultless condition and all modern improvements, and a pedigree Stock Farm of 150 acres adjoining, with possession."—Daily Paper.