PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 156.

March 5, 1919.

CHARIVARIA

.

"What is whisky?" asks an evening paper headline. Our memory is not what is was, but we have certainly seen the name somewhere.

"Bitter," says the Kölnische Zeitung, "is the taste of defeat." A reference, presumably, to the thirty thousand tons of American bacon sold to Germany by the Allies.

"The Octopus," said the Lord Mayor of DUBLIN in his inaugural address, "is showing its fangs." Meanwhile Cardinal GIBBONS is busy twisting the Lion's tentacles.

The owner of a mule found wandering at Walton-on-Thames is being advertised for. "Trooper," writing from Mesopotamia, says that if it had a portion of khaki breeching and a stirrup in its mouth it is probably the brute which slipped out of his hands about six months ago.

With regard to the man who was seen struggling in the river last week, the report that his house was immediately taken by a passer-by is untrue. The man who pushed him in had got there first.

So much controversy has been caused by DE VALERA'S escape from prison that there is some idea of getting him to go back and do it again.

It is reported that just before his escape DE VALERA had been greatly affected by the account of some labour strike. He is supposed to have come out in sympathy.

There are now, it is announced, thirty-six prices at which bottled beer may be sold. It is only fair to our readers to state that the price it used to be is not included in the thirty-six.

A Servant Girls' Trade Union has been formed. So far there is no suggestion of interfering with the mistresses' evening out.

Mr. Punch has already called attention to the statement that is costs the nation a guinea every time a question is asked in Parliament. The only difference between Westminster and the haunts of the General Practitioner is that in the latter case (1) you pay out of your own pocket, and (2) your tongue is protruded instead of being kept in the cheek.

Burglars are very superstitious, says a press-gossip. For example the appearance of a policeman while a burglar is drilling a safe is considered distinctly unlucky.

"The pores of the ordinary individual," says a, weekly paper, "would reach nearly forty miles if placed end to end." We hope that nothing of the kind will be attempted, as the traffic difficulties are bad enough already.

A Thames bargee is reported to have sworn at a policeman for eleven minutes without stopping. We understand that there is talk of having the oration set to music.

Considerable damage has been caused in the Isle of Wight by rats. A description of the offenders has been furnished to the police.

In order to cope with the traffic problem the L.G.O. Company have placed one hundred additional omnibuses on the London streets. This is such an admirable solution of a serious difficulty that people are wondering what member of the Government first suggested it.

Despite the fact that his wife has attempted to shoot him eleven times a Detroit architect declares that he will never leave her. He appears to be one of those men who can never take a hint.

Mr. F.M.B. FISHER reports that in New Zealand some convicts recently went on hunger-strike because a band played outside the prison. It seems that their ground of complaint was that this was not included in the sentence.

A correspondent writing to The Daily News points out that the reign of Satan has been cut short by eighty thousand years, and that the end of the world is at hand. Several people in search of flats are now wondering whether it is worth while after all.

Mr. SEAN T.O. KELLY, the Sinn Fein M.P., has handed M. CLEMENCEAU a copy of the "Declaration of Independence of Ireland." Other means have also been employed to entertain and amuse the distinguished invalid during his enforced rest.

We understand that a West-End lady has just been appointed mistress to a young parlourmaid.

We hear that the soldier who, after being demobilised, at once returned to barracks in order to say a few suitable words to his late sergeant-major, was put off on being told that he would have to take his turn in the queue.

"NO, MADAM. NINE GUINEAS—NOT NINE-AND-NINEPENCE."

The Pre-war Habit.

"Clerk (male) quick and accurate at figures; one used to wages preferred."—Daily Paper.

"The engine, which is based on the principle of the turbine, is designed to produce 30,000 revolutions a minute."—Daily Paper.

Bolshevists please note.

"Commander Ramsay and the Princess themselves had a private survey of their new possessions yesterday before the guests appeared, and report has it warmly congratulated one another on the interest and beauty of most of the things, and the unusual percentage of unimaginative and ugly offerings."

Daily Sketch.

Although the statement is somewhat ambiguous, we feel sure that the writer meant well.

THE TONIC OF MARCH

.

O.S.

GOOD-BYE TO THE AUXILIARY PATROL.

II.—THE SHIP'S COMPANY.

Demobilisation in the Navy, whatever it may be in the Army, is a simple affair. You are first sent for by the Master-at-Arms, who glares, thrusts papers into your trembling hand and ejects you violently in the direction of the Demobilising Office. Here they regard you curiously, stifle a yawn, languidly inspect your papers and send