The Project Gutenberg EBook of Keeping up with Lizzie, by Irving Bacheller

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Title: Keeping up with Lizzie

Author: Irving Bacheller

Release Date: March 16, 2004 [EBook #11503]

Language: English

*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK KEEPING UP WITH LIZZIE ***

Produced by Al Haines

KEEPING UP

WITH

LIZZIE

BY

IRVING BACHELLER

ILLUSTRATED BY W.H.D.KOERNER

HARPER & BROTHERS PUBLISHERS
NEW YORK AND LONDON

COPYRIGHT, 1910, 1911, BY HARPER & BROTHERS

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA PUBLISHED MARCH, 1911

C-N

TO

THE LOVING AND BELOVED "MR. ONEDEAR" I DEDICATE THIS LITTLE BOOK

CONTENTS

CHAP.

I. IN WHICH THE LEADING TRADESMEN OF POINTVIEW BECOME A BOARD OF ASSESSORS

II. IN WHICH LIZZIE RETURNS TO HER HOME, HAVING MET A QUEEN AND ACQUIRED AN ACCENT AND A FIANCE

III. IN WHICH LIZZIE DESCENDS PROM A GREAT HEIGHT

IV. IN WHICH THE HAM WAR HAS ITS BEGINNING

V. IN WHICH LIZZIE EXERTS AN INFLUENCE ON THE AFFAIRS OF THE RICH AND GREAT

VI. IN WHICH THE PURSUIT OF LIZZIE BECOMES HIGHLY SERIOUS

VII. IN WHICH THE HONORABLE SOCRATES POTTER CATCHES UP WITH LIZZIE

ILLUSTRATIONS

A DUEL WITH AUTOMOBILES

WITH HIS MIND ON THE SUBJECT OF EXTRAVAGANCE

"SEVEN DOLLARS A BARREL"

"I WANTED YE TO TELL MR. POTTER ABOUT YER TRAVELS," SAYS SAM

LIZZIE DROPPED INTO A CHAIR AND BEGAN TO CRY

BILL AN' I GOT TOGETHER OFTEN AN' TALKED OF THE OLD HAPPY DAYS

WE SET OUT FOR A TRAMP OVER THE BIG FARM

"I'M A CANDIDATE FOR NEW HONORS"

THREE DAYS LATER I DROVE TO THE VILLA

THE BOY EXERTED HIS CHARMS UPON MY LADY WARBURTON.

SHE LED US INTO THE BEDROOM

THEIR EYES WERE WIDE WITH WONDER

KEEPING UP WITH LIZZIE

KEEPING UP WITH LIZZIE

IN WHICH THE LEADING TRADESMEN OF POINTVIEW BECOME A BOARD OF ASSESSORS

The Honorable Socrates Potter was the only "scientific man" in the village of Pointview, Connecticut. In every point of manhood he was far ahead of his neighbors. In a way he had outstripped himself, for, while his ideas were highly modern, he clung to the dress and manners that prevailed in his youth. He wore broadcloth every day, and a choker, and chewed tobacco, and never permitted his work to interfere with the even tenor of his conversation. He loved the old times and fashions, and had a drawling tongue and often spoke in the dialect of his fathers, loving the sound of it. His satirical mood was sure to be flavored with clipped words and changed tenses. The stranger often took him for a "hayseed," but on further acquaintance opened his mouth in astonishment, for Soc. Potter, as many called him, was a man of insight and learning and of a quality of wit herein revealed. He used to call himself "an attorney and peacemaker," but he was more than that. He was the attorney and friend of all his clients, and the philosopher of his community. If one man threatened another with the law in that neighborhood, he was apt to do it in these terms, "We'll see what Soc. Potter has to say about that."

"All right! We'll see," the other would answer, and both parties would be sure to show up at the lawyer's office. Then, probably, Socrates would try his famous lock-and-key expedient. He would sit them down together, lock the door, and say, "Now, boys, I don't believe in getting twelve men for a job that two can do better," and generally he would make them agree.

He had an office over the store of Samuel Henshaw, and made a specialty of deeds, titles, epigrams, and witticisms.

He was a bachelor who called now and then at the home of Miss Betsey Smead, a wealthy spinster of Pointview, but nothing had ever come of it.

He sat with his feet on his desk and his mind on the subject of extravagance. When he was doing business he sat like other men, but when his thought assumed a degree of elevation his feet rose with it. He began his story by explaining that it was all true but the names.

[Illustration: With his mind on the subject of extravagance.]

"This is the balloon age," said he, with a merry twinkle in his gray eyes. "The inventor has led us into the skies. The odor of gasoline is in the path of the eagle. Our thoughts are between earth and heaven; our prices have followed our aspirations in the upward flight. Now here is Sam Henshaw. Sam? Why, he's a merchant prince o' Pointview—grocery business—had a girl—name o' Lizzie—smart and as purty as a wax doll. Dan Pettigrew, the noblest flower o' the young manhood o' Pointview, fell in love with her. No wonder. We were all fond o' Lizzie. They were a han'some couple, an' together about half the time.

"Well, Sam began to aspire, an' nothing would do for Lizzie but the Smythe school at Hardcastle at seven hundred dollars a year. So they rigged her up splendid, an' away she went. Prom that day she set the pace for this community. Dan had to keep up with Lizzie, and so his father, Bill Pettigrew, sent him to Harvard. Other girls started in the race, an' the first we knew there was a big field in this maiden handicap.

"Well, Sam had been aspirin' for about three months, when he began to perspire. The extras up at Hardcastle had exceeded his expectations. He was goin' a hot pace to keep up with Lizzie, an' it looked as if his morals was meltin' away.

"I was in the northern part o' the county one day, an' saw some wonderful, big, red, tasty apples.

"'What ye doin' with yer apples?' says I to the grower.

"'I've sent the most of 'em to Samuel Henshaw, o' Pointview, an' he's sold 'em on commission,' says he.

"'What do ye get for 'em ?' I asked.

"'Two dollars an' ten cents a barrel,' says he.

"The next time I went into Sam's store there were the same red apples that came out o' that orchard in the northern part o' the county.

"'How much are these apples?' I says.

"'Seven dollars a barrel,' says Sam.

[Illustration: Seven dollars a barrel.]

"'How is it that you get seven dollars a barrel an' only return two dollars an' ten cents to the grower?' I says.

"Sam stuttered an' changed color. I'd been his lawyer for years, an' I always talked plain to Sam.

"'Wal, the fact is,' says he, with a laugh an' a wink, 'I sold these apples to my clerk.'

"'Sam, ye're wastin' yer talents,' I says. 'Go into the railroad