PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 156.

June 18, 1919.

CHARIVARIA

.

Professor THATCHER of New York describes President WILSON as one of the five greatest men in the world. Sir ERIC GEDDES is anxious to know who the other three are.

"The Jazz boom is dying out," says Mr. HERMAN DAREWSKI, "but the next boom will be an Oriental one." There seems nothing to do about it except to bear up.

The fact that for some time no arrest was made for the Plaistow safe robbery seems to indicate that the thieves desired to remain anonymous.

Like soothing balm from the dear old days comes the intimation that Sir THOMAS LIPTON is confident of lifting the America Cup in 1920.

Up to the time of going to Press it had not been officially decided what new uniform will be designed for the R.A.F. to be worn during the Peace Celebrations.

The City of Philadelphia has decreed that sitting-out places in ball-rooms must be adequately lighted. Following upon the unauthorised publication of the Peace Terms, this is a further blow at secret covenants.

Forty thousand children visited the Zoo on Whit-Monday, and one anxious father who had mislaid a couple of infants stayed for a long time in the reptile-house, looking suspiciously at the swollen appearance of the boa constrictor.

"The people of London have never understood that wisdom is not concentrated here," said Sir GEORGE LUNN at the conference of Associated Education Committees. These cheap sneers at Sir FREDERICK BANBURY are beneath his notice.

The Vicar of South Acton suggests that a huge prize should be offered for the invention of a good temperance drink. We regret to say that this is not the first studied insult that has been offered to Government ale.

A new race, who had never seen a white man before, is reported to have been found on Prince Albert Land, and one of them is being taken to Maine, U.S.A. That ought to teach them to be discovered again.

Incidentally so many errors have been made of late in executing people in Russia that in future all orders for executions will be signed by LENIN and will bear the words, "Errors and Omissions Excepted."

The Bolshevists have their trials just like human beings. One of them last week was mistaken for a bourgeois and shot.

Civil servants engaged by the various Ministries will in future be required to have special qualifications for their work. We have always thought that this would be an advantage.

Señor FERNANDEZ denies the allegation that Mexico is not now at war with any nation. It is supposed to have been spread by jealous rivals.

In the Isle of Sheppey there is not a single person who is drawing the unemployment donation. There seems to be no excuse whatever for this apathy. Full particulars have appeared in the Press.

The embargo on the export of gold from the United States is to be raised almost immediately; meanwhile all shipments will be carefully watched, the stuff being now nearly worth its weight in coal.

County Tyrone has a dog specially trained to trace whiskey. Several people in this country have already offered it a good home, where it will be treated as one of the family.

Asked to describe the cuckoo the other day, a small boy said it was the bird which put its eggs out to be laid by another bird.

At last an obliging taxi-driver has been discovered. His clock registered six shillings and his passenger had only five-and-sixpence, so he offered to reverse his engine in order to wipe off the deficit.

We now hear that the authorities have decided that, if a child should fall into any lake or river and be in peril of drowning, any dog may be allowed to remove its muzzle for the purpose of effecting a rescue.

During the removal of a safe weighing three hundredweight some burglars last week used cushions and mats to deaden the sound. We are greatly pleased to note a tendency to study residents a little. After all it is most irritating to be awakened by noisy burglars in the house.

The No-Treating Order was revoked on June 4th, and it is generally expected that this date will be made an annual, public holiday in Scotland.

Small Bagsnatcher. "RIGHT-O, GUV'NOR. I SEE YER BEEN WOUNDED. I SHAN'T KNOCK 'YER ABAHT."

"PERSONAL.

"Major C. ——, late R.A.V.C., who is now disembodied, has returned to ——, and will resume his practice as heretofore."—Yorkshire Observer.

Now then, Sir OLIVER LODGE and Sir ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE, get busy.

THE BALAAM STAKES

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They were speeding along in the train to the Dispersal Area, and, having moved heaven and earth to achieve demobilisation, were now absolutely miserable on nearing their goal.

"Like to pick your fancy for the Derby, Docker?" asked Jimmy Ferguson, proffering his daily paper with an air of acute cheerfulness.

"Not fer me," said Docker Morgan dismally; "I sworn off after the Balaam Stakes."

"I never 'eard tell of that race," said Jimmy.

"Well, it ain't one of the classic events. It were run over there." Docker jerked a thumb vaguely in the direction of France. "At a 'Concours Hippique,' which is posh fer 'Race Meeting.' Our orficers arranged it just afore our troops left the area, and nacherally fixed it fer the most awkward time fer me an' Nigger Rolf, being just between paydays. After payin' to go on the course we'd only got five francs left fer investment purposes. Nigger wanted to plunge right away, but I stopped 'im.

"'No,' says I; 'we don't know 'orses, but we does know mules, leastways as much as anyone does know mules. Let's scoop on this.'

"'An' I showed 'im the programme, which said:—

"'5.30.—THE BALAAM STAKES. For Government Mules ridden or driven by British N.C.O.'s and men during the War.'

"We walked round the course an' tumbled acrost Ping Brown, got up ong chevalier.

"'Aw-aw, Donoghue' says I, 'is it worth while backing you for a cool thou for the Balaam?'

"'Well,' says he, 'I'm riding Perishing Percy. If it wus a clog-dancing competition it 'ud be easy money, but bein' a race, back any one, even the starter, sooner than me.'

"Then I met Spruggy Boyce, who useter drive with me in the Umpteenth Field Ambulance.

"'Glory, Docker,' says he, falling on my neck, his top-boots being a bit loose, 'I was looking for you.'

"'I ain't got no money,' says I.

"'But you can 'ave,' he whispers confidential, like they do in the pictures. 'I'm riding Red Liz in the Balaam.'

"'Well,' I replies, 'I'm not denying that Red Liz is a perfect lady; but that's 'er trouble—she's too ladylike to pass anyone.'

"'Docker,' he hisses, 'do you remember driving 'er one day down the Menin Road when Fritz started shelling?'