PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 153.

July 18, 1917.

CHARIVARIA.

It is reported that the Emperor of CHINA has joined the Boy Scoot movement.

Some explanation of the KAISER'S anxiety for peace and the GERMAN CHANCELLOR'S statement in the Reichstag has just come to hand. It appears from The Boston Christian Science Monitor that Mr. CHARLIE CHAPLIN is about to join the Army on the side of the Allies.

A baker has been fined ten shillings for selling War bread which was overweight, thereby unnecessarily endangering the lives of his customers.

Cigars in Germany are now being made of cabbage or hay flavoured with strawberry leaves. Another march is thus stolen on British manufacturers, most of whom still cling obstinately to the superstition that a slight flavour of tobacco is necessary.

"How pathetic it is to see six small farmers sending six small carts with six small consignments along the same road to the same station twice a day," said Lord SELBORNE at the Agricultural Organisation Society. Almost as pathetic as seeing six fat middlemen making six fat profits before the stuff reaches the consumer.

We fear that some of our Metropolitan magistrates are losing their dash. At a police court last week a man who pretended to foretell the future was fined two pounds, and the magistrate forgot to ask the prisoner to prophesy how much he was going to be fined.

Adequate arrangements are being made, says Sir CECIL H. SMITH, to protect the National Gallery from air-raids. The intention, it is thought, is to disguise it as a moving picture palace.

A great impetus has been given to the teaching of singing since it has been pointed out that at the Guildhall School of Music a woman went on singing until the enemy aeroplanes were driven away from London.

Certain meatstuffs unfit for human consumption may now be used in the manufacture of dog biscuits. The news has been received with much satisfaction by several dogs, who have now promised to cut out postmen from their menu.

When the Middlesex Sessions were about to commence, a bell warning people of the air raid was sounded, and the Justices immediately advised people to take shelter. No notice was taken of the suggestion made by several prisoners who expressed the view that the safest place was the street.

In view of the fact that the animals at the Zoological Gardens are on war rations, the R.S.P.C.A. especially request very stout people not to cause annoyance to the tigers by parading up and down in front of their cages.

During the last air raid the windows of one house were blown outwards, the plaster and ceiling fell, and doors were thrown off their hinges, and yet the occupant—a woman—experienced surprise on hearing that the house had been struck by a bomb. She was under the impression that a new bus route had been opened.

"Candidates for the diplomatic service," says Lord ROBERT CECIL, "will after the War be largely drawn from persons of talent." It is not known who first thought of this, but it just shows what a pull politicians have over ordinary people when it comes to thinking out things.

At the St. Pancras Tribunal last week an applicant said his only remaining partner had been ill in bed for some weeks, and the Chairman of the Tribunal promptly remarked, "Obviously a sleeping partner." This joke has been duly noted by a well-known revue manager, and as soon as a cast has been engaged an entirely new and topical review will be written round it.

The policy of air reprisals advocated by a section of the Press has found much support. Indeed one prominent pacifist has even threatened to put out his tongue at the next covey of enemy aeroplanes which visits this country.

The raspberry crop in Scotland is to be taken over by Lord RHONDDA. The rumour that it is to be used for Army jam has had a most demoralising effect upon the market in imported tomatoes.

Mysteriously, in the night, a pile of shells representing thirteen thousand eggs was deposited on a common outside Munich. This evidence of at least one citizen's return to the pre-war breakfast has given rise in some quarters to hopes of an early peace.

It must have been something more than carelessness that caused an evening contemporary to announce in a recent edition: "Since the commencement of the War three solicitors have become brigandiers."

It is reported that two Leicestershire farm labourers have brought up twenty-nine children between them. It is hoped that the news will not cause any allotment enthusiasts to abandon their holdings.

Another hotel has been commandeered by the National Service Department. The task of preparing lists of men and women who would be willing to perform National Service if they were not already engaged in it is assuming colossal proportions.

Teuton writes: "I am sad at heart, dear Gretchen. Despite my weak sight they have for some reason drafted me into the shock troops."

A Chinese butcher's reply to a complaint of short weight:—

"Butcher said he had gave to your coolie with full weight and expecting your coolie fall down some of them on the road."

LESSONS OF THE WAR.

II.

(The Ophir Gold Pantomime Syndicate issues its Preliminary Instructions for the Production of its Annual Pantomime.)

PRELIMINARY INSTRUCTIONS.

O.G.P.S. 42/B/26.

November 20th, 1919.

1. General Outline.

It is the intention of the Ophir Gold Pantomime Syndicate to attack and capture the Public Favour on the night of the 26/27 December, 1919.

As foreshadowed in the preliminary Press Notices (which will be issued later) the production will outstrip all previous productions both in wit and splendour.

The Preliminary Bombardment will be carried out by Press Agents of all calibres.

The General Scheme will be as laid down in the West-End Managers' Standard Formation of Pantomimes.

Zero time will probably be at 7 P.M.

If the operation is successful it will be repeated daily until further (fortnight's) notice, and every endeavour will be made to exploit the success to the full.

2. Advertisements.

No opportunity for advertisement will be neglected.

Advance Agents will reconnoitre the ground thoroughly and secure the best hoardings available.

The Leading Lady will lose her jewels not later than 4 P.M. on December 22nd. "Q." will arrange for the necessary publicity.

3. Chorus.

Will consist of One Section Blondes and Brunettes, One Section Petites and One Section "Stunners" (see Standard Formation, para. 3a). Category "B" will be at the back. Category "B" of last year's Chorus will be transferred to the Pantomime Employment Company.

4. Scenery.

The S.E. (Scenic Engineers) will co-operate by improvising new scenery out of last year's production as far as possible.

5. Discipline.

The stage-manager will be