responsible for the strictest discipline being maintained during performances, and will put up a barrage of invective at the slightest signs of slackness.

6. Intelligence.

Ground observers will be sent out to note the effect of the comedians' gags upon the audience. They will report any impropriety at once to the Manager, who will at once take steps to improve upon it.

7. Police.

Special Mounted Police will assist the doorkeeper to collect all stragglers at the Stage Door and will cause them to be returned to their paternal units (if their credentials are not satisfactory).

8. Dressing-rooms.

Disputes over dressing-rooms will be arranged between the artistes concerned.

9. Artistes.

The Fairy Queen will be specially employed to create a diversion while the Palace Scene is being set behind.

The Demon King will put a few heavies across in the Grotto Scene.

The Eight Aerial Girlies (under the direction of the O.C. Flying Corps de Ballet) will make a personal reconnaissance of the front rows of the Stalls in "The Fairies' Bower" Scene.

The eyes of the Chorus will be worn in the "alert" position during performances.

10. Principals.

Artistes will submit for approval not later than the 10th December the details of their songs and dances. Comedians will also submit their "gags" and comic scenes for blue-pencilling. This is merely a matter of form and the strictest secrecy as to their real intentions will be preserved in order that the principle of "springing it on one another" should be maintained.

If twenty people are found in the bar during a comedian's turn he is liable to summary dismissal.

Cross-talk Machine Fun Fire will be under direction of O.C. Gags.

11. Music.

Choruses and incidentals will be original. That is to say, they will be taken from last year's MSS. and the crotchets moved up one space and the quavers down one space.

12. Rehearsals.

A hot meal will be served after midnight rehearsals and taxis will be provided for those who care to pay for them. "Q" will arrange.

13. The Audience.

Hostile retaliation is not anticipated, but arrangements will be made to deal summarily with any counterattack. O.C. Chuckers-Out will arrange.

14. Organisation.

The goodwill and earnest co-operation of all are solicited to achieve the success which will be advantageous to all, especially to the philanthropic Directors, who are poor men and cannot really afford it.

Issued at 4 p.m.

Copies to:—

All Concerned.

(Signed) Etc., etc., etc.

HAVE YOU WATCHED THE FAIRIES?

War the Rejuvenator.

"Rear-Admiral Sims ... is 59 years old and will be 53 next October."—Saturday Evening Post.

"Miss —— played the other works mentioned also, but while Miss —— can play these better than most—by far—she brings the purest of fresh-air feeling into her playing of Bach's 'O Si Sic Omnes.'"—Daily Telegraph.

What we want to hear is OFFENBACH'S Mens sana in corpore sano.

"A personal experience in a large office not 1,000 miles from where the bombs fell. Not a sign of panic; hardly even of alarm."—The Globe.

We have heard of places not even 10 miles away where equal intrepidity was displayed.

"UNIVERSITY OF BRISTOL CONTINGENT O.T.C.

Recruiting—Suitable candidates for admission should be under the age of 7 years and 6 months, except in the case of former members of a junior contingent."—Bristol Evening News.

The result of Baby Week at Bristol.

General VON BLUME says America's intervention is no more than "a straw." But which straw? The last?

THE DEMOCRATIC TURN.

LITTLE WILLIE. "THIS MAY BE FUN FOR FATHER, BUT IT WON'T SUIT ME."

Proud Producer. "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT FOR A NEW POTATO?"

Friend. "IT'S NOT A NEW POTATO. YOU'VE SHOWN IT TO ME THREE TIMES ALREADY."

PHILIP.

Philip is the morose but rather dressy foreigner who resides in a cage on the verandah. Miss Ropes, who owns him and ought to know, says he is a Grey Cardinal, but neither his voracious appetite for caterpillars nor his gruesome manner of assimilating them are in the least dignified or ecclesiastical. It takes the unremitting efforts of Miss Ropes and the entire available strength of convalescent officers (after deducting the players of bridge, the stalkers of rabbits and the jig-saw squad) to supply Philip with a square meal.

Recently a caterpillar famine began to make itself felt in the parts of the garden near the house, and the enthusiasm of the collectors evaporated at the prospect of searching farther afield.

Ansell was the first to cry off.

"I'm sorry, Miss Ropes," he said firmly, "but I have an instinctive antipathy to reptiles."

"They aren't—they're insects."

"In that case," he replied still more firmly, "the shrieks of the little creatures when Philip gets 'em rend my heartstrings. I don't think the doctor would approve."

Haynes suggested that Philip's behaviour savoured of unpatriotism, and that the one thing needful was the immediate appointment of a caterpillar controller. Miss Ropes countered this by electing herself to the post, and declaring that the supply was adequate to meet all demands, as soon as the regrettable strike of transport-workers was settled.

"Don't you think," I said, "that it would be very much nicer—for Philip—if he were allowed to forage for himself? We had a bullfinch once who spent his days in the garden and always came back to the cage at night."

This apposite though untrue anecdote obviously impressed the lady, but she decided that Philip was too precious to be made the subject of experiment. The transport-workers then returned to their labours, under protest.

However, a day or two later Fate played into our hands. Miss Ropes herself inadvertently left the cage door open, and Philip escaped. The entire establishment devoted the day to his pursuit, without success; but in the evening the truant, dissipated and distended, lurched into his cage of his own accord and went instantly to sleep.

Encouraged by his return and by the regular habits of my hypothetical bullfinch, Miss Ropes let him out again next day. This time he did not come back.

"Probably he's sleeping it off somewhere," said Haynes cheerfully. "He'll be back to-morrow."

However he wasn't. Miss Ropes had his description