class="smcap">Boy, Footmen, and Attendants.

The Scene: A gallery in the Lord Touchwood’s house, with chambers adjoining.

ACT I.

SCENE I.

A gallery in the Lord Touchwood’s home, with chambers adjoining.

Enter Careless, crossing the stage, with his hat, gloves, and sword in his hands; as just risen from table: Mellefont following him.

MEL.  Ned, Ned, whither so fast?  What, turned flincher!  Why, you wo’ not leave us?

CARE.  Where are the women?  I’m weary of guzzling, and begin to think them the better company.

MEL.  Then thy reason staggers, and thou’rt almost drunk.

CARE.  No, faith, but your fools grow noisy; and if a man must endure the noise of words without sense, I think the women have more musical voices, and become nonsense better.

MEL.  Why, they are at the end of the gallery; retired to their tea and scandal, according to their ancient custom, after dinner.  But I made a pretence to follow you, because I had something to say to you in private, and I am not like to have many opportunities this evening.

CARE.  And here’s this coxcomb most critically come to interrupt you.

SCENE II.

[To them] Brisk.

BRISK.  Boys, boys, lads, where are you?  What, do you give ground?  Mortgage for a bottle, ha?  Careless, this is your trick; you’re always spoiling company by leaving it.

CARE.  And thou art always spoiling company by coming in o’t.

BRISK.  Pooh, ha, ha, ha, I know you envy me.  Spite, proud spite, by the gods! and burning envy.  I’ll be judged by Mellefont here, who gives and takes raillery better than you or I.  Pshaw, man, when I say you spoil company by leaving it, I mean you leave nobody for the company to laugh at.  I think there I was with you.  Ha, Mellefont?

MEL.  O’ my word, Brisk, that was a home thrust; you have silenced him.

BRISK.  Oh, my dear Mellefont, let me perish if thou art not the soul of conversation, the very essence of wit and spirit of wine.  The deuce take me if there were three good things said, or one understood, since thy amputation from the body of our society.  He, I think that’s pretty and metaphorical enough; i’gad I could not have said it out of thy company.  Careless, ha?

CARE.  Hum, ay, what is’t?

BRISK.  O mon cœur!  What is’t!  Nay, gad, I’ll punish you for want of apprehension.  The deuce take me if I tell you.

MEL.  No, no, hang him, he has no taste.  But, dear Brisk, excuse me, I have a little business.

CARE.  Prithee get thee gone; thou seest we are serious.

MEL.  We’ll come immediately, if you’ll but go in and keep up good humour and sense in the company.  Prithee do, they’ll fall asleep else.

BRISK.  I’gad, so they will.  Well, I will, I will; gad, you shall command me from the Zenith to the Nadir.  But the deuce take me if I say a good thing till you come.  But prithee, dear rogue, make haste, prithee make haste, I shall burst else.  And yonder your uncle, my Lord Touchwood, swears he’ll disinherit you, and Sir Paul Plyant threatens to disclaim you for a son-in-law, and my Lord Froth won’t dance at your wedding to-morrow; nor, the deuce take me, I won’t write your Epithalamium—and see what a condition you’re like to be brought to.

MEL.  Well, I’ll speak but three words, and follow you.

BRISK.  Enough, enough.  Careless, bring your apprehension along with you.

SCENE III.

Mellefont, Careless.

CARE.  Pert coxcomb.

MEL.  Faith, ’tis a good-natured coxcomb, and has very entertaining follies.  You must be more humane to him; at this juncture it will do me service.  I’ll tell you, I would have mirth continued this day at any rate; though patience purchase folly, and attention be paid with noise, there are times when sense may be unseasonable as well as truth.  Prithee do thou wear none to-day, but allow Brisk to have wit, that thou may’st seem a fool.

CARE.  Why, how now, why this extravagant proposition?

MEL.  Oh, I would have no room for serious design, for I am jealous of a plot.  I would have noise and impertinence keep my Lady Touchwood’s head from working: for hell is not more busy than her brain, nor contains more devils than that imaginations.

CARE.  I thought your fear of her had been over.  Is not to-morrow appointed for your marriage with Cynthia, and her father, Sir Paul Plyant, come to settle the writings this day on purpose?

MEL.  True; but you shall judge whether I have not reason to be alarmed.  None besides you and Maskwell are acquainted with the secret of my Aunt Touchwood’s violent passion for me.  Since my first refusal of her addresses she has endeavoured to do me all ill offices with my uncle, yet has managed ’em with that subtilty, that to him they have borne the face of kindness; while her malice, like a dark lanthorn, only shone upon me where it was directed.  Still, it gave me less perplexity to prevent the success of her displeasure than to avoid the importunities of her love, and of two evils I thought myself favoured in her aversion.  But whether urged by her despair and the short prospect of time she saw to accomplish her designs; whether the hopes of revenge, or of her love, terminated in the view of this my marriage with Cynthia, I know not, but this morning she surprised me in my bed.

CARE.  Was there ever such a fury!  ’Tis well nature has not put it into her sex’s power to ravish.  Well, bless us, proceed.  What followed?

MEL.  What at first amazed me—for I looked to have seen her in all the transports of a slighted and revengeful woman—but when I expected thunder from her voice, and lightning in her eyes, I saw her melted into tears and hushed into a sigh.  It was long before either of us spoke: passion had tied her tongue, and amazement mine.  In short, the consequence was thus, she omitted nothing that the most violent love could urge, or tender words express; which when she saw had no effect, but still I pleaded honour and nearness of blood to my uncle, then came the storm I feared at first, for, starting from my bed-side like a fury, she flew to my sword, and with much ado I prevented her doing me or herself a mischief.  Having disarmed her, in a gust of passion she left me, and in a resolution, confirmed by a thousand curses, not to close her eyes till they had seen my ruin.

CARE.  Exquisite woman!  But what the devil, does she think thou hast no more sense than to get an heir upon her body to disinherit thyself? for as I take it this settlement upon you is, with a proviso, that your uncle have no children.

MEL.  It is so.  Well, the service you are to do me will be a pleasure to yourself: I must get you to engage my Lady Plyant all this evening, that my pious aunt may not work her to her interest.  And if you chance to secure her to yourself, you may incline her to mine.  She’s handsome, and knows it; is very silly, and thinks she has sense, and has an old fond husband.

CARE.  I confess, a very fair foundation for a lover to build upon.

MEL.  For my Lord Froth, he and his wife will be sufficiently taken up with admiring one another and Brisk’s gallantry, as they call it.  I’ll observe my uncle myself, and Jack Maskwell has promised me to watch my aunt narrowly, and give me notice upon any suspicion.  As for Sir Paul, my wise father-in-law that is to be, my dear Cynthia has such a share in his fatherly fondness, he would scarce make her a moment uneasy to have her happy hereafter.

CARE.  So you have manned your works; but I wish you