PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 156.

May 21, 1919.

CHARIVARIA.

"We thought it was to be a Peace Conference," remarks the Berliner Tageblatt sadly. Instead of which it turned out to be another Diet of Worms.

"Wanted a Dock Examiner," says a technical paper advertisement. Now if they had only wanted a Duke examiner we have the very man in mind.

Several correspondents have written to The Daily Express asking whether it is not unlucky to be married on a Friday. Our own experience is that it doesn't make much difference which day it is.

We learn on good authority that an airman recently flew from Newfoundland to the English coast, but immediately returned as he considered that the weather was unfavourable for landing. As the whole affair appears to have been hushed up it is thought that he was of American nationality.

"A seasonable dish," says Household Hints, "is crab au gratis." We can only say that in our own experience it never seems to be in season at the smartest restaurants.

An American Army doctor has discovered that sea-sickness originates in the ears. This confirms the old theory that persons who sleep with both ears pressed against the pillow are never sea-sick.

Presents given prior to engagements, says Judge CLUER, are in the nature of bait and cannot be recovered. Once the angler is safely hooked a different situation arises.

"I am confident," writes "J.E.P." in The Daily Mail, "that nineteen out of twenty men do not know what they should do on being bitten by a mad dog." The common practice of trying to bite the dog back is admittedly inadequate.

The London County Council have decided not to remove the marks of damage done by aircraft to the base of Cleopatra's Needle. It seems that they have also had to refuse the request of some curio-hunters who asked if they might have the indentations as mementos.

Owing to the inflated price of silver, a contemporary points out, the shilling now contains only ten-pence half-penny worth of silver. More important however is the fact that, owing to the inflated cheek of dairymen, it only contains three pennyworth of milk.

"Singing," says Dr. HENRY COWARD, "is a valuable preventive against influenza." It is also known that certain streptococci have an intense dislike to the trombone.

The parishioners of All Saints' Church, South Acton, are invited by the clergy to say what they would like to be preached to about. The little boy who wrote that he would like a sermon on the proper way to feed white rats is still hopeful.

It appears that a Wallasey licensee, in order to satisfy his customers, sent a sample of Government ale to be analysed. We understand that the analyst reported that there was nothing in it.

"I don't go to the pictures," says Mr. H.G. WELLS. It is not clear whether the Academy or the cinema is meant, but it shows that the famous novelist is, after all, only human, like so many of us.

As a result of high prices, says The Daily Express, ladies may now be seen at Longchamps without stockings. We have noticed similar signs of the high price of ladies' dresses in this country.

Sir NEVILLE MACREADY'S statement that "burglars to-day often resort to violence" has caused much annoyance, and the famous police chief is to be asked to receive a deputation of London burglars to discuss the point.

Under no circumstances, says a medical leaflet, should flies be allowed in the house. If they knock at the front-door and then rush past you, send for a policeman.

A Streatham resident is offering a reward of ten shillings for the return of a "ginger" cat which has been lost. As the owner has shown no other traces of the effect of the hot weather the authorities have decided not to pursue the case.

Things are coming to a pretty pass in Ireland. Just because a man attempted to murder somebody in County Armagh the police have threatened to arrest him.

An ex-special constable, relating his experiences in a weekly magazine, mentions that he once found a perfectly good alarum-clock on the doorstep of a neighbour's house. Further investigation would, no doubt, have resulted in the discovery of the milk-jug on the bedroom mantelpiece.

"A young man should kiss a girl on either the left or the right cheek," says a writer on hygiene in a weekly paper. As the option of either cheek is given, many young men will no doubt hesitate between the two.

An evening paper reports that a live shell was found "laying" in an open field near Southend. This seems a sure sign that the nesting-season is now in full swing, and it seems a pity that we did not think of this method of shell-production during the War.

"No honest German," says Herr SCHEIDEMANN, "can possibly sign the Peace Treaty." The best plan, perhaps, would be to call for volunteers and take the risk as to qualification.

Boxer (amidst a babel of advice). "LOOK 'ERE—CHUCK IT! I GOT DEMOBILISED AS A ONE-MAN BUSINESS."

From a recent law-report:—

"I say 'Civis Britannicus Sam.'"—Evening Paper.

It is proposed, we understand, to adopt this as the motto of the Anglo-American Union.

BREST-BUCHAREST-VERSAILLES.