We confess we should like to know the cause of cook's affliction. Was it jealousy, or onions?

TO CHLOE, CAUGHT SPRING-CLEANING.

The Overland Route.

"H.M.S. New Zealand, with Admiral Jellicoe on board, arrived at Bombay on March 14, and left for Delhi on the 15th."—Scots Paper.

COMRADES OF THE WAR.

"STRAFE ME IF IT AIN'T ME OLD 'ORACE! W'Y, I AIN'T SEEN YER SINCE THAT STUNT RAHND CAMBRAI!"

GETTING A JOB.

John looked very gloomy.

"Pourquoi triste, John?" said I, knowing the language.

"Well, it's like this," said John, "the time has come when you and I must look for a job."

"That's all right," said I cheerfully. "We'll go and see the Advisory Committee. They'll put us up to a job in civil life. They're sitting there bubbling over with advice. Employers in England are simply falling over one another to find positions for brave young officers who—"

"Yes, I don't think," remarked John very sceptically. "I went to see the Advisory Committee two days ago. Perhaps I was rather unfortunate in arriving at the same time as the English mail; anyhow I came away with the following information and convictions:—

(1) That the easiest job in civil life is to sit on an Advisory Committee.

(2) That one is always either too old or too young for the Civil Services.

(3) That I was a devil of a good fellow and I'd won the War (they patted me on the back and told me so).

(4) That I was to fill up my A.Z.15 and trust in my stars (not the things on my sleeve)."

"Well, what about it?" I continued.

"Personally," said John, "I think an advertisement in The Daily Telegraph is the correct thing. How's this?—

"'Anybody know of a decent war? Two young subs in France, Soldiers of Fortune (so-called), would like to get in touch with anyone thinking of starting a first-class war. Send full particulars and rough strength of enemy to "Warriors," c/o The Daily Telegraph.'"

Mine was much more modest:—

"An officer at present in France desires a good job in civil life. No experience, no education, no languages, no money, no prospects and no hope. What offers?"

"I don't think they'll bring much," said I. "You know, John, what we really want is leave."

So we applied for leave.

John asked permission to remove his person to the U.K. for urgent and private reasons. I stated that I had a position offered me, but an interview was necessary, and asked their indulgence for the purpose.

John's chit came back three days later. "Will this officer state his urgent and private reasons, please?"

"Ah!" said John, "enemy attitude hostile." Nevertheless he stated as required.

Three days later it came back again with the request that this officer further state his reasons, please.

"Enemy attitude distinctly hostile," said John, and committed himself further.

Nothing happened for a week and John's hopes ran high. "It must be through, old man," he declared, "or it would have been back before now."

But when at the end of the week it came back for further information his ardour cooled somewhat, and when, three days later, it turned up once more with a request for his urgent and private reasons, John in a fit of exasperation retorted that if the matter was kept much longer it wouldn't be urgent, and if they enquired much further it wouldn't be private. That finished him, and he got no leave.

My application was still on the tapis. Eventually it returned. "This officer can be granted leave only on condition that he promises to serve with the Rhine Army."

"Go on," said John; "promise."

So I promised.

Now, looking over the situation, we find that it amounts to this: John has no job and never will have till he can get leave to look for one. He can't get leave. That's John.

I have a job (I haven't really) if I can get leave to attend an interview. I've got leave, but only on the understanding that when I've got the job I refuse it because I've promised to serve on the Rhine. That's me.

We are now thinking out the next move.

THE MATERNAL INSTINCT.

MY DEAR MRS. BONNAMY,—I am glad to report that my journey was accomplished in safety and comparative comfort. Indeed my housekeeper was surprised that I showed so few traces of fatigue. This, I tell her, was due to the kind care and consideration experienced by me throughout my sojourn beneath your hospitable roof.

Please inform Miss Chance that the carriage was a through one. This may relieve her of any possible anxiety as to her own journey with her mother. I much appreciated her consideration in seeing me into the train, and trust that the weather will prove favourable for their return to town.

Although the week I passed in your society will always be an agreeable memory it carries with it the penalty of an increased sense of my solitary life, and I feel that your remarks were not without justice.

MY DEAR MRS. MAYNE CHANCE,—Ever since my return from the visit which gave me so much happiness in your society and that of your dear daughter, I have wondered whether I dared address you upon a point which concerns me intimately. Have you reason to suppose that her affections are engaged in any quarter? Believe me that I seek this information from no idle curiosity, but solely that I may know whether there is any obstacle to my making a certain proposal. I naturally shrink from intruding myself between a mother and daughter whose companionship is so close and am well aware of the disparity in our ages, but if you could encourage me to proceed you would confer the greatest happiness upon a very lonely man.