The Autobiography of a Slander, by Edna Lyall

Transcribed from the 1890 Longmans, Green, and Co. edition by David Price, email [email protected]

THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A SLANDER

by
EDNA LYALL

author of ‘donovan’ ‘we two’ ‘in the golden days’
‘knight errant’ etc.

Trust not to each accusing tongue,
   As most week persons do;
But still believe that story false
  Which ought not to be true

Sheridan

NEW EDITION
(thirty-ninth to forty-first thousand)

london
longmans, green, and co.
and new york: 15 east 16^thstreet
1890

All rights reserved

DEDICATED
TO ALL
WHO IT MAY CONCERN

MY FIRST STAGE

At last the tea came up, and so
With that our tongues began to go.
Now in that house you’re sure of knowing
The smallest scrap of news that’s going.
We find it there the wisest way
To take some care of what we say.

Recreation.  Jane Taylor.

I was born on the 2nd September, 1886, in a small, dull, country town.  When I say the town was dull, I mean, of course, that the inhabitants were unenterprising, for in itself Muddleton was a picturesque place, and though it laboured under the usual disadvantage of a dearth of bachelors and a superfluity of spinsters, it might have been pleasant enough had it not been a favourite resort for my kith and kin.

My father has long enjoyed a world-wide notoriety; he is not, however, as a rule named in good society, though he habitually frequents it; and as I am led to believe that my autobiography will possibly be circulated by Mr. Mudie, and will lie about on drawing-room tables, I will merely mention that a most representation of my progenitor, under his nom de théatre, Mephistopheles, may be seen now in London, and I should recommend all who wish to understand his character to go to the Lyceum, though, between ourselves, he strongly disapproves of the whole performance.

I was introduced into the world by an old lady named Mrs. O’Reilly.  She was a very pleasant old lady, the wife of a General, and one of those sociable, friendly, talkative people who do much to cheer their neighbours, particularly in a deadly-lively provincial place like Muddleton, where the standard of social intercourse is not very high.  Mrs. O’Reilly had been in her day a celebrated beauty; she was now grey-haired and stout, but still there was something impressive about her, and few could resist the charm of her manner and the pleasant easy flow of her small talk.  Her love of gossip amounted almost to a passion, and nothing came amiss to her; she liked to know everything about everybody, and in the main I think her interest was a kindly one, though she found that a little bit of scandal, every now and then, added a piquant flavour to the homely fare provided by the commonplace life of the Muddletonians.

I will now, without further preamble, begin the history of my life.

* * * * *

“I assure you, my dear Lena, Mr. Zaluski is nothing less than a Nihilist!”

The sound waves set in motion by Mrs. O’Reilly’s words were tumultuously heaving in the atmosphere when I sprang into being, a young but perfectly formed and most promising slander.  A delicious odour of tea pervaded the drawing-room, it was orange-flower pekoe, and Mrs. O’Reilly was just handing one of the delicate Crown Derby cups to her visitor, Miss Lena Houghton.

“What a shocking thing!  Do you really mean it?” exclaimed Miss Houghton.  “Thank you, cream but no sugar; don’t you know, Mrs. O’Reilly, that it is only Low-Church people who take sugar nowadays?  But, really, now, about Mr. Zaluski?  How did you find it out?”

“My dear, I am an old woman, and I have learnt in the course of a wandering life to put two and two together,” said Mrs. O’Reilly.  She had somehow managed to ignore middle age, and had passed from her position of renowned beauty to the position which she now firmly and constantly claimed of many years and much experience.  “Of course,” she continued, “like every one else, I was glad enough to be friendly and pleasant to Sigismund Zaluski, and as to his being a Pole, why, I think it rather pleased me than otherwise.  You see, my dear, I have knocked about the world and mixed with all kinds of people.  Still, one must draw the line somewhere, and I confess it gave me a very painful shock to find that he had such violent antipathies to law and order.  When he took Ivy Cottage for the summer I made the General call at once, and before long we had become very intimate with him; but, my dear, he’s not what I thought him—not at all!”

“Well now, I am delighted to hear you say that,” said Lena Houghton, with some excitement in her manner, “for it exactly fits in with what I always felt about him.  From the first I disliked that man, and the way he goes on with Gertrude Morley is simply dreadful.  If they are not engaged they ought to be—that’s all I can say.”

“Engaged, my dear!  I trust not,” said Mrs. O’Reilly.  “I had always hoped for something very different for dear Gertrude.  Quite between ourselves, you know, my nephew John Carew is over head and ears in love with her, and they would make a very good pair; don’t you think so?”

“Well, you see, I like Gertrude to a certain extent,” replied Lena Houghton.  “But I never raved about her as so many people do.  Still, I hope she will not be entrapped into marrying Mr. Zaluski; she deserves a better fate than that.”

“I quite agree with you,” said Mrs. O’Reilly, with a troubled look.  “And the worst of it is, poor Gertrude is a girl who might very likely take up foolish revolutionary notions; she needs a strong wise husband to keep her in order and form her opinions.  But is it really true that he flirts with her?  This is the first I have heard of it.  I can’t think how it has escaped my notice.”

“Nor I, for indeed he is up at the Morleys’ pretty nearly every day.  What with tennis, and music, and riding, there is always some excuse for it.  I can’t think what Gertrude sees in him, he is not even good-looking.”

“There is a certain surface good-nature about him,” said Mrs. O’Reilly.  “It deceived even me at first.  But, my dear Lena, mark my words: that man has a fearful temper; and I pray Heaven that poor Gertrude may have her eyes opened in time.  Besides, to think of that little gentle, delicate thing marrying a Nihilist!  It is too dreadful; really, quite too dreadful!  John would never get over it!”

“The thing I can’t understand is why all the world has taken him up so,” said Lena Houghton.  “One meets him everywhere, yet nobody seems to know anything about him.  Just because he has taken Ivy Cottage for four months, and because he seems to be rich and good-natured, every one is ready to run after him.”

“Well, well,” said Mrs. O’Reilly, “we all like to be neighbourly, my dear, and a week ago I should have been ready to say nothing but