everlasting bores settled?" tag="{http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml}img"/> "What! the accounts of all those everlasting bores settled?"

George. Capitally; we've made out the first two parts already. And really, HEDDA, I do believe Mrs. ELVSTED is inspiring me; I begin to feel it coming on. Fancy that!

Mrs. E. Yes, goodness! HEDDA, won't it be lovely if I can. I mean to try so hard!

Hedda. Do, you dear little silly rabbit; and while you are trying I will go into the back drawing-room and lie down.

[She goes into the back-room and draws the curtains. Short pause. Suddenly she is heard playing "The Bogie Man" within on the piano.

George. But, dearest HEDDA, don't play "The Bogie Man" this evening. As one of my aunts is dead, and poor old LÖVBORG has shot himself, it seems just a little pointed, eh?

Hedda (puts her head out between the curtains). All right! I'll be quiet after this. I'm going to practise with the late General GABLER'S pistol!

[Closes the curtains again; GEORGE gets behind the stove, Judge BRACK under the table, and Mrs. ELVSTED under the sofa. A shot is heard within.

George (behind the stove). Eh, look here, I tell you what—she's hit me! Think of that!

[His legs are visibly agitated for a short time. Another shot is heard.

Mrs. E. (under the sofa). Oh, please, not me! Oh, goodness, now I can't inspire anybody any more. Oh!

[Her feet, which can be seen under the valance, quiver a little, and then are suddenly still.

Brack (vivaciously, from under the table). I say, Mrs. HEDDA, I'm coming in every evening—we will have great fun here togeth— (Another shot is heard.) Bless me! to bring down the poor old cock-of-the-walk—it's unsportsmanlike!—it's—.

[The table-cloth is violently agitated for a minute, and presently the curtains open, and HEDDA appears.

Hedda (clearly and firmly). I've been trying in there to shoot myself beautifully—but with General GABLER'S pistol—(She lifts the tablecloth, then looks behind the stove and under the sofa.) What! the accounts of all those everlasting bores settled? Then my suicide becomes unnecessary. Yes, I feel the courage of life once more!

[She goes into the back-room and plays "The Funeral March of a Marionette" as the Curtain falls.

THE END (with the usual apologies).

OPERATIC NOTES.

"J'y suis."
Pro Arris et focus.

Monday.—Le Prophête.—Notable performance. Profit to those who were there; loss to those who weren't. The two Poles, NED and JOHN DE RESZKÉ, excellent as the Tipster, or Prophet, and the Chief Anabaptist Swindler. Madame RICHARD—"O Richard, Oma Reine!" repeated her grand impersonation of Fides, but being a trifle "out of it" as to tune occasionally, I cannot be Fidei Defensor, and swear she was quite correct, so can only report that RICHARD was a bit "dicky"; otherwise, sings like a Dicky-Bird. Cathedral Scene magnificent. Rites are wrong, probably; but these are trifles, except to strict ritualists. Skating Scene not up to date; it was a novelty once upon a time, but rinks have done for it. There was an unrehearsed effect in the Prison Scene, when the walls collapsed—the imprisoned Madame RICHARD escaped, and the Curtain descended. Nobody hurt. The walls, which had fallen, like those of Jericho, to the sound of the trumpet, were put away carefully, for alteration and repairs. The prisoner, issuing from her narrow fire-escape, was recaptured, and the Opera ended with the Drinking Scene, the Prophet among the Peris, a peri-lous situation, which makes the Opera go, at the climax, "like a house-a-fire." Burns Justice is done to the Impostor, and, at a late hour, we call our cabs, and return to hum "béviam" over "a modest quencher."

Saturday.—BOÏTO'S Mefistofele. Strong combination. Excellent. But big "waits" made it heavy.

AN AGRICULTURAL TRIPOS.

PRELIMINARY EXAMINATION PAPER.

1. A field is ploughed three years running. Can it still have a shy at its little go? Examine this, and say all you know about "PIERS, or PEARS, the Ploughman." Did he use his own soap?

2. How do you extract the square of a Beet-root? In connection with this, say how much it will take to square a "Swede?"

3. Explain the use of the "Sewing-machine" for agricultural purposes. What do you mean by "going against the grain?"

4. You plant a field of corn. What plaster do you adopt when it begins to shoot? Also give the best remedy you know for corn in the ear.

5. Write a Sentimental History of the Harvest Moon. Is it really twice as big as any other moon, or does it only look so, after drinking the landlord's health several times over?

6. To what gourmet giving a dinner-party in January is attributed the historical saying, "Peas at any price"?

7. How many black beans will make five white ones? Given the number, explain the process, and solve the equation.

8. What pomade do you recommend for "top-dressing"?

9. What would be an M.P.'s first step towards squaring a circle of Agricultural Voters?

SAD STORY.—A painter, who had on several occasions aspired to a place in the Chantrey Collection, and invariably been refused, on being encouraged to launch a fresh venture, and spread his canvas, which would be soon filled, for a sale, replied dejectedly, "Chantrey be blowed; I shan't try any more!" Poor fellow! He must indeed have been bad. He has not been heard of since. The Serpentine has been dragged.

THE HANSOM CAB STRIKE!—Remarkable Conversion!! Not yet concluded! Last week another lot of Hansoms became Growlers.

REPARTEE TO A SPOUSE.

Both parties in the recent extraordinary abduction case, where a Mrs. JONES was carried off down a rope-ladder at midnight by her own husband, Mr. JONES, have published statements defending their own line of conduct. The following is Mrs. JONES'S version:—

"As public opinion appears to have erroneously taken my—so-called—husband's side, as far as I can gather from my having been twice chased through the streets by an infuriated mob, and four separate attempts having been made to blow up my house with nitro-glycerine, I feel compelled to explain—with much reluctance—why it was that I declined to live with Mr. JONES.

"To begin with, it was only under the most awful threats that Mr. JONES prevailed on me to become his wife. His words—I remember them well—were, 'My darling, you know how tenderly I adore you; if you don't marry me at once I'll break every bone in your body!' He then snatched my bonnet, a new one, from my head, and so acted on my nerves that I went off to the Registry Office and was married. That he was actuated by merely mercenary motives is proved by the fact that the gratuity (of half-a-crown), which he presented to the Registry Clerk, he actually borrowed from me! I knew him already to be unprincipled; but never until that moment had it flashed upon me that he was a fortune-hunter! However, as he had the drawing-room poker with him—he kept it concealed up his back during the ceremony at the Registry Office—I did not at that time say anything, but handed him the coin. I do not know if I should have left him