PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 101.

December 5, 1891.

QUITE FABULOUS!

(A Story of the Times, dedicated to Professor Munro.)

KING COLE, although described as a "merry old soul," was in reality a tyrant. He had a number of subjects who used to work underground, and their labour was to bring to the surface the black diamonds of the earth. It was not altogether a pleasant occupation, but still, the task had to be accomplished. His Majesty was fond of ferocious practical jokes, and perchance this may have been the origin of the jocular description attached to his name. One day, some of his subjects complained that their hours of labour were too many.

"How long do you work?" asked the King.

"May it please you, Sire, sixteen," was the reply.

"Try what you can do with twelve," and they were about to depart rejoicing, when the Monarch called them back and added, "But mind you, I shall expect just as many black diamonds to be unearthed as before."

So the King's subjects worked only twelve hours, and strange to say, quite as many black diamonds were produced as in the olden days. Then the workmen began to grumble once more, and the King again interviewed them.

"Do you still work twelve hours?" he asked the deputation.

"Certainly, Your Majesty; but we think half would be quite enough," returned the spokesman.

"By all means—why not make it three hours?" and again his subjects were departing, rejoicing, when once more he added, "But I shall expect just the same output as before."

And he got it, for the men worked harder than ever. And then they came yet again to him. Once more they considered the hours of labour excessive. They thought sixty minutes plenty.

"So do I," replied the Monarch, "not only plenty, but too many. But as it is scarcely worth while employing you only half an hour a day, I shall make other arrangements."

And from that time forth he brought up his black diamonds from the centre of the earth by machinery!

NOT "HALF A CHAP."—A well-known Clergyman, who "does nothing by halves." i.e., Dean HOLE.

"WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."—No. 4.

WHEN HE JUST BEGINS TO REALISE WHAT A SUFFERING HE WOULD HAVE SAVED HIMSELF, IF HE HAD ONLY HAD THE COURAGE TO SAY "MEDIUM" INSTEAD OF "HARD."

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

The Baron's Retainers, Mesdames Blythe and Gay, giving him the results of their readings.

In the Christmas Numbers of the numerous picture-papers it is at first rather difficult to discover which is the genuine article illustrated, and which the advertisement, likewise illustrated. In the outside picture of the Christmas Number of The Penny Illustrated Paper, which represents a couple dancing together, I am not yet quite sure that the handsome Hebraic gentleman, dancing with a fair Anglo-Saxon girl, is not assuring his frightened-looking partner that "Epps's Cocoa is Grateful—Comforting," as stated in the paragraph immediately beneath the aforesaid picture. On the next page is a sad illustration entitled, "The Curse of Revenge. Lost to Human Aid." which turns out to be not a Christmas story at all, but an advertisement for Fruit Salt. Then opposite this commences a story by GEORGE R. SIMS; and at the foot of this page some one replies, "Mr. DOOLAN! There's no one of that name here now, Sir." Whereupon, being interested, the reader turns over page 1 to find at the head of page 2, not the continuation of the above interesting story in the shape of some remark on the part of the inquirer, nor any account of what happened after this reply had been given, but simply "Benson's Watches" followed by "Fry's Chocolate," then a picture (not an advertisement) facing that, and then on page 4 the remainder of the dialogue. It doesn't much matter perhaps, as the excitement aroused by the story is not violent, and the mistake of giving somebody else's card for your own does not occur here for the first time as the motive of a plot. CUTHBERT BEDE's name is to a "Christmas Carol," and Mr. JOHN LATEY's to a dramatically told tale called "Mark Temple's Trial," in which the imaginary heroine pays a visit to a very real person of the name of Madame KATTI LANNER, whose pupils are represented as all assembled, with bouquets and posies, to do honour to the birthday of their "well-loved mistress," who is at the same time, "the acknowledged mistress of the choreographic art." In this story, the author is to be complimented on his invention of the name, "Lord Morgagemore" as an ancient looking and highly aristocratic Irish title.

"Up to any game at Christmas, if it's not too high," says the Baron of Hampershire, who detests all game that is lofty, but is glad to welcome a Shakspearian Revival by MYERS & Co. in the shape of a Nine Men's Morris, a title the Baron recommends to the notice of Mr. WILLIAM MORRIS, yclept "BILLY," when he is making another bouquet of poesies. By the way, BIM BROS.' Almanac Cards, one of the Baron's Lady Helps describes as "decidedly dainty." Christmas is specially a card-playing season, a time of Pax to everybody.

From the Gordon Stables of HUTCHINSON & Co. issues the nightmare tale of The Cruise in the Crystal Boat; when finished, try their Family Difficulty, by SARAH DOUDNEY. Send to the Deanery of DEAN AND SON, ask for Baby's Biography and The Little One's Own Beehive. The Spindleside department of the Baron's Booking-Office recommends both the above for the Tiny Trots; while the Spearside tells the boys to go in for MANVILLE FENN's Burr Junior and Mrs. R. LEE's Adventures in Australia. Then for all-comers, procure BEATRICE HARRADEN's New Book of Fairies, for, our "Co." thus puts it, "This is all concerning those poor little Fairies, about whom no one takes any trouble, and who are left out in the cold at Christmas time." Thus for this week conclude the duties of Mesdames BLYTHE and GAY, the Baron's Lady Assistant Perusers. "I trust my gentle Public will benefit by their advice," quoth,

Theirs truly,
THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

"NOW YOU'RE QUITE THE GENTLEMAN!"

(A Ballad of Birmingham.)

["You will not find an alliance in which the weaker side has been so loyal, so straight, so single-hearted, so patriotic as the Liberal Unionists have been during the last five years.... Birmingham is the centre, the consecration of this alliance."—Lord Salisbury at Birmingham.

"Now I neither look for nor desire reunion" (with the Gladstonian Liberals.)—Mr. Chamberlain at Birmingham.]

AIR—"Ye Gentlemen of England."