PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 102.

January 23, 1892.

THE COVENT GARDEN MASQUE.

TO BE AVOIDED.—An Intemperate tone by a Temperance lecturer.

Benevolent Stranger. "ALLOW ME, SIR, TO OFFER YOU A DRINK!"

Unfortunate Sportsman (just out of Brook). "THANKS; BUT I'VE HAD A DROP TOO MUCH ALREADY!"

RESPECTABILITY.

["What is Respectability?"—Daily Telegraph, Jan. 12.]

PROFESSOR JOLLY, of Berlin, who, if his name express his disposition, ought to be a follower of Mark Tapley, reckons that twenty-five per cent. of the inmates of asylums have been inebriates. Is the Professor "Jolly well right?"

A DIALOGUE OF THE FUTURE.

SCENE—Rooms of a Cambridge Tutor.

PERSONS—A Tutor and an Undergraduate.

Tutor. I understand you were at Newmarket yesterday. Is that so?

Undergraduate. It is. I was.

Tutor. A shameless avowal. Are you aware that you have broken one of the disciplinary regulations of your College? I fear I must punish you severely. Have you anything to say why sentence should not be passed upon you. [Assumes the black College Cap.

Undergraduate. Yes, Sir, I have.

Tutor. Then say it at once.

Undergraduate. I went to Newmarket to see— [Hesitates.

Tutor. Proceed, Sir. Time presses. You went to see what?

Undergraduate. As a matter of fact, I was particularly anxious to see the Head of the University.

Tutor. What do you mean, Sir?

Undergraduate. The chief Dignitary of Cambridge, the Chancellor, the Duke of DEVONSHIRE.

Tutor. You are trifling with me.

Undergraduate. Not at all, Sir. The Chancellor was there in state. I saw him. My curiosity was satisfied, and I returned to Cambridge.

Tutor (after a pause). Ah, of course that alters the case. If you can assure me you did not go for the purpose of watching horse-races—

Undergraduate (breaking in). Certainly, Sir. I do give you the assurance.

Tutor. That being so, I dismiss you with a caution.

[Exit Undergraduate. The Tutor is left pondering.

ANOTHER RURAL CONFERENCE.

[A Church Dignitary, writing to The Globe, suggests that the rural reform most urgently needed is a better postal system in the shires.]

Radical Reformer (meeting Rural Labourer tramping to London). Yours is a typical case, my man. You are a victim of our insensate Land Laws, or exploded Feudalism. No doubt you are leaving the country because you could not find employment there?

Rural Labourer. 'Tisn't that so much. Old Gaffer always had summat for a man to do, I can tell ye.

Radical Reformer. Glad to hear it, though it's unusual. Then I suppose it is the intolerable dulness of the country that drives you away from it.

Rural Labourer. 'Tisn't that either. Things be a bit dull in winter-time, cert'nly. But there—we've a Public, also a Free Reading Room, and—

Radical Reformer (disappointed). Glad to hear it, again, I'm sure, though that also is unusual. Your house, now—rather, I ought to call it, your hovel, perhaps—lets in the rain badly—reeks with damp—only one room, and that a pigstye, eh?

Rural Labourer (offended). Come now, don't you call my house a pigstye! Three good rooms, and not a bit o' damp or dirt about it.

Radical Reformer. Then the wages are low, and a tyrannical landlord refuses allotments, eh?

Rural Labourer. Allotments! I could have as many as I wanted for the asking. But there—I didn't want 'em, y'see, and I didn't ask.

Radical Reformer (gravelled). Then would you explain to me what is the real reason of your determination to quit the country for Town?

Rural Labourer (surprised). Why, don't you know? There was only one collection and one delivery of letters daily! I couldn't stand that, of course. I expect I shall find more in Lunnon. Good-day!

LE KHÉDIVE EST MORT! VIVE LE KHÉDIVE!

British Lion. "I HELPED YOUR FATHER AND I'LL STAND BY YOU."

BORN, JULY 15, 1808. DIED, JAN. 14, 1892.