قراءة كتاب Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, April 2, 1892
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Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, April 2, 1892
PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Vol. 102.
April 2, 1892.
"'TIS MERRY IN HALL."
"Knock'd 'em!""What's in an 'at without an 'ed?" DISTAFFINA DE COCKAIGNE was wont to inquire, and "what's an 'all" (of Music like the London Pavilion) "without a NED" in the shape of Mr. EDWARD SWANBOROUGH, the all-knowing yet ever-green Acting Manager at this place of entertainment, who possessing the secret of perpetual youth in all the glory of ever-resplendent hat and ever-dazzling shirt-front, ushers us into the Stalls in time to hear the best part of an excellent all-round show. It is sad to think that, probably as we were disputing with the cabman, the celebrated Miss BOOM-TE-RÉ-SA, alias LOTTIE COLLINS, Serio-Comic and Dancer, was "booming" and "teraying" before the eyes of a delighted audience. Strange that we should not yet have heard the great original. But as she is not (so to adapt a line from the "Last Rose of Summer") "left booming alone," we have not escaped hearing several of her male and female imitators who, by her kind permission and that of her publishers, trade on her present exceptional success. However, when we entered the Stalls, Miss BOOM-TE-RÉ-SA had disappeared, and somebody with a song had "intervened"—a mode of proceeding not necessarily limited to the Queen's Proctor—before the object of our visit walked on to the stage, and when he did come a pretty object he was too, seeing that it was Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER, the unequalled and inimitable Comedian of the Costermongers. He is a thorough artist in this particular line, and no indifferent one in others; but his Coster ballads are artistically first rate. The fashion of calling English singers by Italian names is on the wane, otherwise Mr. ALBERT CHEVALIER, of French extraction, would find an excellent Italian alias, closely associated with the operatic and musical professions, and most appropriate to the line he has adopted, in the name of "SIGNOR COSTA." The melody of Mr. CHEVALIER's "Coster's Serenade," of which, I rather think, he is the composer as well as librettist, is as charming as it is strikingly original. After the Chevalier sans peur et sans approche had retired, clever and sprightly Miss JENNY HILL gave as a taste of lodging-house-keeperism, following whom came the Two MACS belabouring each other in their old hopelessly idiotic, but always utterly irresistible style; and then Lieutenant W. COLE—King COLE we "crowned him long ago"—gave his ventriloquial entertainment, who, with his troop of talking dolls, should have his address at Dollis Hill. There were many "turns" yet to follow when we left, at a comparatively early hour; "and so," to quote old PEPYS, "home with much content."
"TO HAVE AND TO HOLD."
Big promises and Party scoldings
Won't cure "Small Savings" by "Small Holdings."
THE MARVELS OF MODERN SCIENCE.
SCENE—Interior of Small Box containing telephone with book of addresses. Enter hurriedly Impatient Subscriber.
Impatient Subscriber (turning over leaves of address-book). Of course I can't find it! Ah! here it is! 142086. (Rings bell of telephone, and listens with receivers to his ear.) Now I have forgotten it! (Puts back receivers on rests, and refers again to book. Telephone bell rings in answer. He hurries back and calls.) One hundred and forty-two nought eighty-six.
First Voice (from telephone). One hundred and forty-two?
Imp. Sub. Yes, and nought eighty-six.
First Voice. Which do you want?
Imp. Sub. Why, both.
First Voice. You can't. Must have one at a time.
Imp. Sub. It's only one. One four two nought eight six.
First Voice. One four two nought eight six?
Imp. Sub. Yes, please. One four two nought eight six.
First Voice. Very well. Why didn't you give the number before?
Imp. Sub. (angrily). Well, I have given it now. (He listens intently, exclaiming now and again, "Are you there?" and then rings.) One four two nought eight six, please.
First Voice (after a pause). What!
Imp. Sub. One four two nought eight six, please.
First Voice (as if the number is now heard for the first time). One four two nought eight six?
Imp. Sub. Yes, please. And look sharp!
First Voice. What?
Imp. Sub. One four two nought eight six.
First Voice. I hear. One four two nought eight six. [The communication is cut off for a couple of minutes.
Imp. Sub. (for the sixth time). Are you there?
Second Voice. Yes. Who is it?
Imp. Sub. I am BOSH, BOODLE & CO.
Second Voice. RUSH, RUDDLE & CO.?
Imp. Sub. No. BOSH, BOODLE & CO.
First Voice. Have you finished?
Imp. Sub. No, no—we are still speaking. I want to know if you have sent that case of champagne to BUMBLETON?
Second Voice. What? I can't hear you.
Imp. Sub. (speaking very slowly, as if dictating to imperfectly educated infants). Have—you—sent—that—case—of—cham—pagne—to BUM—BLE—TON?
Second Voice (puzzled). Sent a case of champagne?
First Voice (interposing.) Have you finished?
Imp. Sub. No, we are still speaking. Yes—have you sent a case of champagne to BUMBLETON?
Second Voice. Sent a case of champagne to BUMBLETON? No; why should we?
Imp. Sub. Because you promised TICKLEBY you would.
Second Voice (evidently perplexed). Promised TICKLEBY?
Imp. Sub. (in a tone of reproach). Yes, promised TICKLEBY.
First Voice (interposing.) Have you finished?
Imp. Sub. No, we are still speaking; please don't cut us off. (Returning to the champagne subject). Yes, you promised TICKLEBY you would send the case of champagne to BUMBLETON. (With inspiration.) You are the Arctic Wine Company, aren't you?
Second Voice. No. I am Secretary of the Curate's Papier Mâché Church Company.
Imp. Sub. (in a tone of sorrow). Aren't you one four two nought eight six?
Third Voice (coming from somewhere). Mind and bring a gun with you, and—.
Second Voice. No. We are two four eight nought six seven. Good morning!
First Voice. Have you finished?
Imp. Sub. (angrily). I have not begun! You have put me on the wrong number!
First Voice (calmly). What number do you want?
Imp. Sub. (angrily). One four two nought eight six.
First Voice. Two four two nought eight six?
Imp. Sub. (with suppressed rage). No, one four two nought eight six.
First Voice. Very well. One four two nought eight six.
Imp. Sub. Yes, and don't make a mistake.
[Long pause, during which he asks, "Are you there?" at intervals.
