قراءة كتاب Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 152, January 31, 1917
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Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 152, January 31, 1917
He "smiles" at them "broadly" and then hurries off
To type a new Note, or perhaps to play golf;
And, while studying closely his putts, to explore
The obscurity shrouding the roots of the War.
To cope with emergency once in a way
Is nothing to facing it every day;
And that's where the PRESIDENT'S greatness is seen,
He's consistently cheerful and calm and serene.
O happy idealist! Others may weep
At the crimes and the horrors that murder their sleep;
You've two perfect specifics your cares to beguile—
An oracular phrase, an implacable smile.
"A fourth headmaster wanted to know 'who would liev at Yorb when he could live at Bournemouth?'"—Morning Paper.
The answer is "Because there's a 'b' in both."
"Terrible as this war has been, Mr. Hodge sees that if it had not come Great Britain's imagination. As the hypnotised goat is fate would have been miserable beyond swallowed by the boat-constrictor, so Great Britain would have been absorbed by Germany."—Evening Paper.
With a little rearrangement we can gather the general drift of the paragraph. But "boat-constrictor" puzzles us. Is it a new kind of submarine?
OUR LAND-WORKERS.
Mabel (discussing a turn for the village Red Cross Concert). "WHAT ABOUT GETTING OURSELVES UP AS GIRLS?"
Ethel. "YES—BUT HAVE WE THE CLOTHES FOR IT?"
THE INFANTRYMAN.
The gunner rides on horseback, he lives in luxury,
The sapper has his dug-out as cushy as can be,
The flying man's a sportsman, but his home's a long way back,
In painted tent or straw-spread barn or cosy little shack;
Gunner and sapper and flying man (and each to his job, say I)
Have tickled the Hun with mine or gun or bombed him from on high,
But the quiet work, and the dirty work, since ever the War began
Is the work that never shows at all, the work of the infantryman.
The guns can pound the villages and smash the trenches in,
And the Hun is fain for home again when the T.M.B.'s begin,
And the Vickers gun is a useful one to sweep a parapet,
But the real work is the work that's done with bomb and bayonet.
Load him down from heel to crown with tools and grub and kit,
He's always there where the fighting is—he's there unless he's hit;
Over the mud and the blasted earth he goes where the living can;
He's in at the death while he yet has breath, the British infantryman!
Trudge and slip on the shell-hole's lip, and fall in the clinging mire—
Steady in front, go steady! Close up there! Mind the wire!
Double behind where the pathways wind! Jump clear of the ditch, jump clear!
Lost touch at the back? Oh, halt in front! and duck when the shells come near!
Carrying parties all night long, all day in a muddy trench,
With your feet in the wet and your head in the rain and the sodden khaki's stench!
Then over the top in the morning, and onward all you can—
This is the work that wins the War, the work of the infantryman.
Where is the Censor?
"A woman has been fined £10 for chipping lyddite out of a shell which had been over-filled by means of a screwdriver."—Evening Paper.
We protest against our newspapers being allowed to inform the enemy in this way of our methods of filling shells.
A DEAD FROST.
PRESIDENT PYGMALION WILSON. "THE DURNED THING WON'T COME TO LIFE!"
"I SAY, SOMEONE'S STOLEN MY CAR!"
"DEAR ME! IT WAS A NEW ONE, WASN'T IT?"
"YES. BUT I DON'T MIND THE CAR; THERE WAS A TIN OF PETROL IN THE BACK."
OUR NEW ARMY OF WOMEN.
From Adjutant to O.C. A Company.
Your return of trained Bombers not yet to hand. Please expedite.
(Did you see O.C. B Company's hat at church parade last Sunday? Isn't it positively the outside edge?)
ELIZABETH TUDOR JONES,
Second-Lieut. Darling to Adjutant.
I should be obliged if I could have leave from next Tuesday, as otherwise I shall not be able to attend the sales, and my Sam Browne is quite the dowdiest in tho whole battalion.
JOAN DARLING,
O.C. Signallers to Quartermaster.
Lance-Corporal Flapper of this section has been charged for bottle, scent, one. In view of the fact that this N.C.O. has not been supplied with bottle since joining this unit I take it that such will be a free issue.
EMMA PIPP,
O.C. A Company to Quartermaster.
Please note fact that the boots, khaki suède uppers, pair, one, issued yesterday to 21537 Private B. Prig, are not supplied with regulation Louis-Quinze heels. The boots are therefore herewith returned.
BOADICEA BLUNT.
From O.C. B Company to O.C. D Company.
Herewith A.F. 26511, with cheque for pay of 2773, Private O. Jones, B Company, attached D Company, for your attention and necessary action, please.
(Have you heard the absolutely latest? The Major is engaged, and she has asked O.C. C Company and the Quartermaster to be bridesmaids! Not that I wanted to take it on. But think of poor dear O.C. C! Won't she look too-too?)
MILDRED NORTON,
From Adjutant to Lieut. S.O. Marshall.
Please note that you are detailed as a member of a Board of Survey, which assembles at these Headquarters on January 31st for the purpose of inquiring into the circumstances whereby box, powder, face, one, on charge of this unit, became used up suddenly. The Quartermaster will arrange for the necessary witnesses to attend, and the proceedings will be forwarded to the Adjutant in triplicate.
Our Military Experts.
"The invasion of Switzerland ... if accomplished rapidly and with luck, would involve a threat to the French left and to the communications with Italy."—Pall Mall Gazette.
Our own Military Expert is of opinion that the invasion of Holland would in very much the same way threaten the British right and our communications with Scotland.
"The use of barkless dogs, songless cats and whispering parrots is advocated in Philadelphia, following on recent announcements from the battlefields of Europe that 'brayless' mules have been perfected for trench and other battle-front labours by a
