قراءة كتاب Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102, April 30, 1892
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Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102, April 30, 1892
say—"Ha, say you so? Then am I indeed the hooshiest hearsher in the whole of Mumble-land!")
The Chatty O.G. (nudging him). How very distinctly you hear the dialogue, Sir, don't you?
[The Irritable Person, without removing the tubes, turns and glares at him savagely, without producing the slightest impression.
Another Ghostly Voice (very audibly). The devil you are!
A Careful Mother. MINNIE, put them down at once, do you hear? I can't have you listening to such language.
Minnie. Why, it's only at Manchester, Mother!
Ghostly Voices and Sounds (as they reach the Irritable Person). "You cursed scoundrel! So it was you who burstled the billiboom, was it? Stand back, there, I'll hork every gordle in his—!" (... Sounds of a scuffle ... A loud female scream, and firing ...) "What have you done?"
The Ch. O.G. Have you any sort of idea what he has done, Sir?
[To the Irritable Person.
The Irr. P. No, Sir, and I'm not likely to have as long as—
[He listens with fierce determination.
First Ghostly Voice. Stop! Hear me—I can explain everything!
Second Do. Do. I will hear nothing, I tell you!
First Do. Do. You shall—you must! Listen. I am the only surviving mumble of your unshle groolier.
The Ch. O.G. (as before). I think it must be a Melodrama and not an Opera after all—from the language!
An Innocent Matron (who is listening, with her eyes devoutly fixed on the Libretto of "The Mountebanks," under the firm conviction that she is in direct communication with the Lyric Theatre.) I always understood The Mountebanks was a musical piece, my dear, didn't you? and even as it is, they don't seem to keep very close to the words, as far as I can follow!
Ghostly Voices (in the Irritable Person's ear as before). "Your wife?" "Yes, my wife, and the only woman in the world I ever loved!"
The Irr. P. (pleased, to himself.) Come, now I'm getting accustomed to it, I can hear capitally!
The Voices. Then why have you—?...I will tell you all. Twenty-five years ago, when a shinder foodle in the Borjeezlers I—
A Still Small Voice (in everybody's ear). TIME, PLEASE.
Everybody (dropping the tubes, startled.) Where did that come from?
The Com. M. They've been and cut it off at the main—just when it was getting interesting!
His Fiancée. Well, I can't say I made out much of the plot myself.
The Com. M. I made out enough to cover a sixpence, anyhow. You didn't expect the telephone to explain it all to you goin' along, and give you cawfee between the Acts, did you?
The Ch. O.G. (sidling affably up to the Irritable Person as he is moving out). Marvellous strides Science has made of late, Sir! Almost incredible. I declare to you, while I was sitting there, I positively felt inclined to ask myself the question—
The Irr. P. Allow me to say, Sir, that another time, if you will obey that inclination, and put the question to yourself instead of other people, you will be a more desirable neighbour in a Telephone Room than, I confess I found you!
[He turns on his heel, indignantly.
The Ch. O.G. (to himself). 'Strordinary what unsociable people one does come across at times! Now I 'm always ready to talk to anybody, I am—don't care who they are. Well—well— [He walks on, musing.

QUITE NATURAL.
Mamma. "ETHEL DEAR, WHY WON'T YOU SAY GOOD-BYE TO THIS GENTLEMAN? HE IS VERY KIND!"
Ethel. "BECAUSE, MUMMY DEAR, YOU TOLD HIM JUST NOW HE IS 'THE LION OF THE SEASON,'—AND I AM SO FRIGHTENED!"
"DE PROFUNDIS."
(By an Indignant "Outsider.")
A masterpiece, worthy of TURNER,
Was mine, there my friends all agree,
No work of a pot-boiling learner,
My "View on the Dee."
A place on the line I expected,
Associate shortly to be!
Hang me, if it isn't rejected,
And marked with a D!
I will not repeat what I uttered
When this was reported to me;
The mere monosyllable muttered
Begins with a D.
ON THE (POST) CARDS.
["Sir JAMES FERGUSSON does not hesitate to declare his opinion that rudeness or incivility on the part of a Post-Office servant is, next to dishonesty, one of the worst offences he can commit. This notice is not addressed to men alone. Of the young women employed by the department, there are, he says, some, if not many, whom it is impossible to acquit of inattention and levity in the discharge of their official duties. It is Sir JAMES FERGUSSON's intention to ascertain, at short intervals, the effect of this notice on the behaviour of Post-Office officials generally."—Daily Paper.]
SCENE—Interior of a Post Office. Female Employees engaged in congenial pursuits.
First Emp. (ending story). And so she never got the bouquet, after all, and he went to Margate, without even saying good-bye.
Second Emp. (her Friend). Well, that was hard upon her!
First Member of the Public (entering briskly and putting coppers on the counter). Now then, three penny stamps, please!
First Emp. (to her Friend). Yes, as you say, it was hard, as of course the matter of the pic-nic was no affair of hers.
Second Emp. (sympathetically). Of course not! They are all alike, my dear!—all alike!
First Mem. of the Pub. (impatiently). Now then, three penny stamps please!
First Emp. Well, you are in a hurry! (To her Friend). And from that day to this she has never heard from him.
Second Emp. And it would have been so easy to drop her a postcard from Herne Bay.
First Mem. of the Pub. Am I to be kept waiting all day? Three penny postage-stamps, please.
First Emp. (leisurely). What do you want?
First Mem. of the Pub. (angrily). Three penny postage-stamps, and look sharp about it!
First Emp. (giving stamp). Threepence.
First Mem. of the Pub. (furious). A threepenny stamp! I want three penny stamps. Three stamps costing a penny each. See?
First Emp. (with calm unconcern). Then why didn't you say so before? (Supplies stamps and turns to Friend.) Then MARIA of course wanted to go to Birchington.
Second Emp. Why Birchington? Why did she want to go to Birchington?
First Emp. Well—he of course was at Herne Bay.
Second Emp. Ah, now I begin to understand her artfulness.
First Emp. Ah, there you are right, my dear! She was artful! [Enter Second Member of the Public, covered up in cloaks and only showing the tip of his nose.
Second Mem. of the Pub.