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قراءة كتاب Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102, June 18, 1892
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Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102, June 18, 1892
prudent?"—Prudent is hardly the word to describe you. We should not in your position make the advance mentioned. A retreat would be much better tactics. We fancy, from your description, that your friend would do well as a Company Promoter.
STOCK-DEALING TRANSACTIONS.—"Will you advise me under the following circumstances?" asks "CHEERFUL SOUL," on a post-card. "I placed £50 with an Outside Broker as a speculation for the rise in Cashville and Toothpeka First Preference. Yesterday I received a note to say I had lost my money, as 'cover had run off.' On repairing to the Broker's Office, I was surprised to find it apparently deserted. What is my remedy?"—We should imagine that the Broker had "run off" too. Your remedy is—not to speculate again. "Flutters" lead to the Gutters.
THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE.
Married Vicar, "WELL, MY BISHOP WAS VERY PARTICULAR WITH ME. AMONG OTHER THINGS, HE ASKED ME, BEFORE PRESENTING ME, WHETHER MY WIFE WAS A LADY!"
His Curate (reflectively). "I CAN QUITE UNDERSTAND THAT!"
THE WAY THEY HAVE IN THE ARMY.
(A Conversation—Purely Imaginary.)
SCENE—Pall Mall. Present, SECRETARY OF STATE and Military Adviser.
Mil. A. I want to know your ideas about the Autumn Manoeuvres. Are we to have any this year?
Sec. of S. (with a melancholy smile). That depends upon circumstances not entirely under my control.
Mil. A. Oh, yes; I know. But Governments may come and Governments may go, but the State flows on for ever. Whatever you commence they will have to carry out.
Sec. of S. Can we have these Manoeuvres without expense?
Mil. A. Well, scarcely. For instance, there is the ammunition.
Sec. of S. Oh, we can get over that! Every soldier, when he is supposed to fire, can say, "Bang!" or words to that effect. We might add the direction to the new Provisional Drill-Book.
Mil. A. (drily). Yes, you might; and it would prove about as useful as the other regulations in that remarkable volume! Well, suppose the difficulty of ammunition surmounted, what next?
Sec. of S. Well, I suppose we shall have to spend some money on the farmers for rights of way and the rest of it?
Mil. A. I suppose so, if you want the troops to move over an unfamiliar country.
Sec. of S. But I am not sure I do. Why shouldn't they learn how to defend Aldershot? Then it would cost nothing. What next?
Mil. A. Well, there will be the Commissariat expenses.
Sec. of S. Suppose food costs the same in most places. Besides, isn't TOMMY ATKINS supposed to purchase his own victuals?
Mil. A. Yes, theoretically I suppose he is; but practically he—
Sec. of S. Oh, bother practice! Of course he must, somehow; he must pay for the Commissariat out of his own pocket.
Mil. A. Well, then there is the question of transport. Of course, many regiments have their own waggons and carts, but for a special occasion I think it would be advisable if—
Sec. of S. (interrupting). What nonsense! Why, of course we will make them all walk. It will do them a world of good!
Mil. A. Well, as we want to bring some from Scotland, it will distinctly be a long walk—a very long walk indeed!
Sec. of S. (heartily). So much the better—so much the better!
Mil. A. (sarcastically). I fancy you will have to pay a large bill in shoe-leather!
Sec. of S. (aghast). So we shall! Oh, bother the Manoeuvres just now! The fact is, I have to think of other things!
[Scene closes in upon Secretary thinking of other things.
STUDIES IN THE NEW POETRY.
No. II.
MR. PUNCH's first example of the New Poetry was, it may be remembered, in the rhymed, irregular style. It is not a difficult style. The lines may be long or short; some may groan under an accumulation of words, while others consist of merely two or three—a most unfair distribution. The style of the following specimen, (also by Mr. H-NL-Y) is, however, even easier to manage. There are no rhymes and very few restrictions. The lines are very short, and a few words, therefore, go a very long way, which is always a consideration, even if you don't happen to be paid by the column. This style is very fierce and bloodthirsty and terrible. Timid people are, therefore, advised, for the sake of their nerves, not to read any farther.
THE SONG OF THE POKER.
The Poker,
Clanging.
I am the Poker the straight and the strong,
Prone in the fire grate,
Black at the nether end,
Knobby and nebulous.
Fashioned for fight
In the Pit Acherontic:
Many have grappled me,
Poised me and thrust me
Into the glowing,
The flashing and furious
Heart of the fire.
Raked with me, prized with me,
Till on a sudden
Besparked and encircled
With Welsh or with Wallsend,
Shattering, battering
They drew me away.
Others in rivalry,
Thinking to better
The previous performance,
Seized me again;
Pushed with a leverage
Hard on the haft of me,
Till with the shocks
Sank the red fire,
Shivered and sank
Subdued into blackness.
That is my Toil;
I am the Poker.
Oh, and the burglar's head
Often hath felt me,
Hard, undesirable
Cracker of craniums.
I have drunk of the blood,
The red blood, the life-blood
Of the wife of the drunkard.
Hoh! then, the glory.
The joyous, ineffable
Cup of fulfilment,
When the policeman,
Tall with a bull's-eye,
Took me and shook me,
Produced me in evidence,
There in the dim
Unappeasable grisliness
Of the Police-Court.
Women to shrink at me,
Men to be cursed with me,
Bloodstained, contemptuous,
Laid on the table.
I am the Minister,
Azrael's Minister.
I am the Poker.
