love shall have his own.

One of our Optimists.

"WANTED, few cwt. White Sugar, cart self; pay cash; state price."—Manchester Guardian.

"M. Trepoff accepted the leadership of the Right in the Council of Empire after the party had pledged itself to eschew a retrograd course."—Manchester Evening Chronicle.

Preferring a Petrograd one, of course.

"His Majesty's Government has declared that it is ready to grant sage-conducts to Count Bernstorff and the Embassy and Consular personnel."—Daily Mail.

Hitherto his Excellency has been sadly lacking in this hyphenated article.

THE HARDSHIPS OF BILLETS.

II.

Nobody knows the misery of bein' lapped in luxury in a billet better than me and Jim. Mrs. Dawkins, as I told you, give us the best of everything in the 'ouse and our lives wasn't worth livin' owin' to Mr. Dawkins and the little Dawkinses and a young man lodger takin' against us in consekence. Seein' that they 'adn't a bed between 'em while we was given one apiece and their end of the table had next to nothin' on when ours was weighed down with sausages and suchlike, it were not surprisin' that Mr. Dawkins and the lodger swore at us and the little Dawkinses put their tongues out. But it were upsettin', and Jim and me did 'ope when we was moved to Mrs. Larkins's that we had a better time in store.

"Just goin' to the Front, ain't they, poor fellows?" she said to the billetin' orficer. "I'll do my best by 'em. Nobody wouldn't like to coddle 'em better than I should, but 'twould be crule kindness to 'em, I knows. If 'ardships are in store for 'em let 'em 'ave a taste before they goes, I says, and it won't fall so 'eavy on 'em when they gets there."

"There's as comfortable a feather bed as you could wish to sleep on ready and waitin' for you," she said to us, "but who with a woman's heart in her could put you on a feather bed knowin' you'll be sleepin' on the bare earth before three weeks is over your poor heads? I've put you a shake of straw on the floor for to-night. I'll take it away to-morrow so as you shall get used to the boards. I've wedged the winders top and bottom to make a draught through; that'll help you to bear the wind over there."

It were a north-east wind, and it reglar took 'old of Jim. He's inclined to toothake, and in the mornin' his face were as big as a football. "I am thankful I thought of the winders," Mrs. Larkins said; "you'd 'ave suffered terrible if you'd 'ad the faceake for the first time in the trenches; now you'll get used to it before you gets there. A pepper plaster 'ud ease you direckly, but you're goin' where there's no such things as pepper plasters, and it 'ud be a sin to let you taste the luxury of one over 'ere."

Jim was for runnin' to the doctor to 'ave the tooth took out, but Mrs. Larkins wouldn't 'ear of it. "My poor fellow," she said, "do you think a doctor'll come along with his pinchers all ready to take your tooth out in the trenches? You'll more like 'ave to do it yourself with a corkscrew. I'll lend you one willin'." But Jim said he wouldn't trouble her just at present, he was feelin' a little easier.

She didn't cook us nothin' to eat. "My fingers itch to turn you out beyutiful dishes as your mouths 'ud water to come to a second time," she said, "but it 'ud be a crule kindness, knowin' you'll be fendin' for yourselves in a 'ole in the ground in three weeks' time. Better learn 'ow to do it now. There's a bit o' meat, and you can dig up any vegetables you fancy in the garden. I'll rake the fire out so as you shall learn 'ow to light a fire for yourselves; and I'll put the saucepans out of your way; it ain't likely you'll 'ave saucepans over there."

We was never nearer starvin' than we was at Mrs. Larkins's. She said it made her heart bleed to see us, but we should be grateful to 'er one day for teachin' us 'ow to cook our vittels for ourselves or go without 'em.

One of Jim's buttons come loose on his tunic and he asked Mrs. Larkins if she would be so kind as to sew it on for him. "Nothin' would please me better than to sew 'em all on, they're mostly 'angin' by a thread," she said; "but do you expect to find a woman in the trenches all 'andy to sew on your buttons? You'll 'ave to sew 'em on yourself, and the sooner you learn 'ow to do it the better."

We was accustomed to 'ave our washin' done for us in our other billets, but when the second Sunday come at Mrs. Larkins's and there wasn't no sign of a clean shirt we felt obliged to mention it to 'er. "'Ere's a bit o' soap and a bucket," she said, "and you knows where the well is."

When we'd washed 'em we was goin' to 'ang 'em round the fire to dry; but she wouldn't 'ear of it. "Where'll you find a fire to dry 'em by over there?" she said; "you'll 'ave to wear 'em wet." And when we got the rheumatics she said, "Ah, a wet shirt's sure to do it. You'll never be without it over there. It's a mercy you've got a touch now. I shouldn't be sorry if I see you limpin' a bit more."

It took us some time in the trenches to get over our 'ardenin' at Mrs. Larkins's.

"The Ministry therefore appeals to all users and buyers of paper to be content with lower shades of whiteness, and generally to refrain from all demands that would interfere with the desired economy. All that is asked for is the sacrifice of anæsthetic requirements, in view of national need."—East Anglian Daily Times.

If all the Press is to turn Yellow, the prospect is certainly painful and we must insist on an anæsthetic.