ARE

EAT-LESS DAYS.

Something like that would soon drive the fear of England into the [unprintable word] Germans.

Yours, etc.,
DOWNRIGHT.

TO MASTER THE ROLLS.

SIR,—My experience is that all rolls are too big. I personally can get through a meal comfortably with only half the fat roll that is automatically put before me at most of the restaurants. Let Lord DEVONPORT decree a roll just half the size, and the difference both in consumption and waste will be enormous. At a dinner-party which I attended the other evening, not, Sir, a hundred miles from your own office, the excessive size of the rolls was the subject of much comment. No one should be given the opportunity of leaving any bread. It should be doled out in the smallest doses.

Yours, etc.,
OBSERVER.

THE USE OF ABUSE.

SIR,—The real trouble with the food economy campaign is that ordinary people, who perhaps, not unnaturally, have got into the habit of not believing the daily papers, do not realise what their enemy and the chief enemy of the country at this moment is—I mean the German submarine. In order to get this fact into their intelligence I suggest that free classes in objurgation are at once instituted, in which, instead of the common "You beast!" "You brute!" "You blighter!" and so forth, the necessity of saying nothing but "You (U) boat!" in every dispute or quarrel is insisted upon. The young might also be thus instructed.

Yours, etc.,
FAR SIGHTED.

WRIT SARCASTIC.

SIR,—I have an infallible plan for diminishing the consumption of good food, at any rate among Members of the Government. Let them give up all other forms of nutriment and eat their own words. The PRIME MINISTER might begin. I am,

Yours, etc.,
ORGANISED OPPOSITION.

"FOOD HOGS" SUPERSEDED.

SIR,—I am told that there are people so lost to shame that they are still, in spite of the KING'S Proclamation and all the other appeals to their patriotism, eating as usual. I suggest that they be branded as the "Alimentary Canaille."

Yours, etc.,
DISGUSTED.

"Sir G. Cornewall Lewis made the best speeches in the moist manner."—British Weekly.

We had always understood till now that he was one of our dry speakers.

"Mr. R. M'Neill was surprised that the hon. member should have thought it worth while to make a point of that sort. Surely he knew the rule 'Qui facit peralium facit perse.'"—The Times.

The maxim seems to have jammed.

"Mr. Bonar Law replied: 'The Imperial War Cabinet is both executive and consultative, its functions being regulated by the nature of the subject of the Bandman Opera Coy.'"—The Empire (Calcutta).

As one of the subjects of the Company (according to its advertised programme) is a piece entitled "The Rotters," we feel confident that Mr. BONAR LAW has been misreported.

TROOP HORSES.

MORE ZOO NOTES.

Raw sugar, Captain BATHURST states, cannot be sold on account of the presence of the sugar louse. It is thought that Mr. POCOCK, who has so successfully brought the Zoo's rations into conformity with war conditions, might probably persuade the animal to live on hemp seed.

"Changes in the Zoo's dietary," says Mr. POCOCK, "were effected without difficulty." The rumour that the hippopotamus demanded a pailful of jam with its mangel-wurzels, in the belief that they were some kind of homoeopathic pill, appears to have been baseless.

In order to assist the many fine specimens of moth in the Insect House, it is reported that several actor-managers owning fur coats have offered them a good home.

The birds of paradise are no longer fed on beetroot. Since the all-red root has been denied them they protest against being called birds of paradise, and wish to be known simply as "birds."

OUR PERSEVERING OFFICIALS;

OR, THE RECRUIT THAT WAS PASSED AT THE THIRTEENTH EXAMINATION.

Private Saunders (whose battalion, having been sent back from the front line for "rest," is compelled to spend the night in the street, its billets being still occupied by other troops—to cheery pal, who breaks into song). "'USH, GINGER—YOU'LL GIVE THE TOWN A BAD NAME."

WHITEHALL WHISPERINGS.

(With apologies to the seers of the Sunday papers.)

A great port was swathed in bunting last week. I was there, but I must not say what caused this outburst of enthusiasm. But even the Censor can scarcely forbid my hinting that it was connected with a naval success of peculiar brilliance which must be suppressed because we wish to keep the Bosches guessing.

Who was in Switzerland when he was regularly reported as being in attendance at War Council meetings? Who was actually supposed to have addressed a public meeting in England when in reality he was hundreds of miles away? I make no statement; I merely write the word "Austria." To those who understand it will be enough.

Have you noticed that for some weeks we have had no news from the Port of Danzig? I draw no deduction, but do not be surprised to hear in a few weeks that the Port of Danzig has ceased to exist.

There is grave trouble at Scotland