shore;

I'd pulled to the steps in the scullin' boat

To get some thread for the skipper's coat

Where the seam of the arm 'ad gone.

Our Polygamists.

"The bride carried a sheaf of harem lilies and orchids."—Provincial Paper.

WAR-TIME IN THE WILD WEST.

POSTMORTEM PETE APPEARS BEFORE THE LONE GULCH TRIBUNAL TO PLEAD FOR EXEMPTION ON CONSCIENTIOUS GROUNDS.

DOCKING THE DRAMA.

It has been reported that, in view of the necessity for restricting the consumption of artificial illuminant, the authorities propose drastically to curtail the duration of theatrical entertainments. Should this prove to be the case, we venture to anticipate certain further regulations that may shortly be added to those already printed upon the programmes:—

(1) Every possible effort must be made to reduce the two-and-a-half hours' traffic of the stage to one hour-and-a-half. With this purpose it is enacted that—

(2) No reference to any supposed events prior to the commencement of the action will be permitted in the dialogue. All such particulars as may be essential to an understanding of the plot must be legibly printed upon the programmes.

(3) No performer to take more than thirty-five seconds in quitting the stage. Backward looks and doorway pauses forbidden (provided always that nothing in this section shall apply to the case of an actor-manager when surrendering heroine to youthful rival).

(4) All applause, except at the fall of the curtain, to be instantly suppressed by ushers appointed for that purpose.

(5) Friend-of-the-Family parts to be restricted to one illustrative anecdote and one advisory monologue, neither to exceed three-and-a-half minutes in delivery.

In addition, the Limelight Control Committee furnishes us with the following scale of allowances and restrictions under a new clause of the Defence of the Realm Act:—

DRAMA.—The duration of the employment of limelight in Drama may be as follows:—

During eviction of heroine into snowstorm, allowance of one beam for a reasonable period not to exceed one minute.

For death of infant-phenomenon, double-beam lasting two minutes; supplementary allowance for angelic vision subsequent to same.

Embrace of hero and heroine at curtain fall, double-beam, two-and-a-half minutes.

FARCE AND COMEDY.—It is regretted that, in view of the situation, no allowances of limelight can at present be sanctioned.

MUSICAL PLAYS AND REVUES.—Patriotic or Hortatory Songs may be accompanied by four beams, with supplementary allowance for encore verses. (N.B. In these cases application should be supported by a recommendation from the particular Government Department, War Office. Admiralty, or Ministry of Munitions, extolled in the proposed ballad.)

Ethiopian Serenades, hitherto given by the light of (apparently) two full-moons, must be restricted to one beam, of reduced candle-power, thus combining realism with economy.

The Mysteries of Arboriculture.

From an American Nursery Company's pamphlet:—

"Practise thinning in the winter time and head back in the summer. A tree can be kept bearing practically regular crops. Of course, it is impossible to keep any tree bearing practically regular crops, but, of course, it is impossible to keep any tree bearing a full crop regularly. Wonders can be done by this system of pruning."

We can well believe this.

"'Wild Foods of Great Britain,' with 46 figs. 1s. 6d. net."—"Times" Literary Supplement.

With fruit at present prices the figs alone should be worth the money.

HINTS TO GROSVENOR HOUSE.

Mr. Punch is not more free from correspondents who know how to solve the food problem than other papers are.

The following six letters have been selected with care from some thousand and three received during the week. The others are at the service of any enterprising editor, or Lord DEVONPORT can have them if he will send a waggon to take them away. They should make pleasant week-end reading.

AN EXCELLENT SUGGESTION.

SIR,—What we plain men want to know and what we are entitled to know is—What does Lord DEVONPORT eat? What does Mr. KENNEDY-JONES eat? What does Mr. ALFRED BUTT eat? It would make a vast difference to the success of the food campaign if each of these administrators was visible at his meals, doing himself extremely ill. I suggest that a prominent shop window should be taken for each, and they should have their luncheon and dinner there in full view of the public.

Yours, etc.,
COMMON SENSE.

THE POWER OF BRITISH HUMOUR.

SIR,—If the Food Economy posters were more carefully thought out the trick would be done. I suggest, for example, something really pithy and witty, such as—