The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 23, 1917, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman

Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, May 23, 1917

Author: Various

Release Date: March 31, 2005 [eBook #15512]

Language: English

Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1

***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 152, MAY 23, 1917***

E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Sandra Brown,
and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team

PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 152.

May 23, 1917.

CHARIVARIA.

Mr. William Watson describes his new book of verse, The Man Who Saw, as "an intermittent commentary on the main developments and some of the collateral phenomena of the War." People are already asking, "Why was a man like this left out of the Dardanelles Commission?"

Weeds are a source of great trouble to the amateur gardener, says a contemporary, because he is not always able to recognise them. A good plan is to pull them out of the ground. If they come up again they are weeds.

We hope that Mr. Charles Cochran is not indisposed, but we have not noticed a new revue by him this week.

Sulphur from Italy is being distributed by the Explosives Committee. This body must not be confused with the Expletives Committee, which gets it supply of sulphur straight from the Front.

The Metropolitan Water Board is appealing against waste of water. It is proposed to provide patriotic householders with attractive cards stating that the owner of the premises in which the card is displayed is bound in honour not to touch the stuff.

According to a member of the Inventions Board, over two thousand solutions of the U-boat problem have already been received. Unfortunately this is more than the number of U-boats available for experiment, but it is hoped that by strictly limiting the allowance to one submarine per invention the question may be determined in a manner satisfactory to the greatest possible number.

Of eight applications received by the Barnes Council for the vacancy of Inspector of Nuisances three came from men of military age. It is expected that the Council will suggest that these gentlemen should be invited to inspect the nuisances in front of the British trenches.

The proprietor of thirteen steam rollers told the Egham Tribunal that in two years he had only been able to take one of them out of the yard. We cannot think that he has really tried. Much might have been done with kindness and a piece of cheese, while we have often seen quite large steam rollers being enticed along the road by a man with a red flag.

A Swiss correspondent is informed that "Hindenburg's legs are no longer strong enough to support him." The weakness appears to be gradually extending to his arms.

"The starched collar must go," remarks a contemporary ruefully. Not, we hope, before a substitute has been found for some of those unwashable necks.

"Lady conductors," said the Underground Railway official last week, "must remember that the seats and straps are put there for the use of the passengers." We know all about straps, but we have often wondered what it feels like to use one of the seats on the Underground.

The police have raided a coining plant in Marylebone. It is becoming more and more difficult to make money.

Under a recent Government order the importation of wild animals into Great Britain is forbidden. Allotment holders throughout the country hope the order will be read out to any wireworm or potato-moth that attempts to land at our ports.

A deputation to the Food Controller has demanded that the allowance of bread to farm labourers should be increased to two pounds per head per day. The amount is considered excessive in view of the national needs, and the alternative course of permitting them to eat all they can grow is being favourably considered.

Mr. Mitchel, the Mayor of New York, has forbidden musicians to play the National Anthems of the Allies in ragtime. Mr. Mitchel is a great humanitarian and simply hates the sound of anything in pain.

The German Society of Actors and Singers had forbidden its members to sing in the United States. Enthusiasts from the latter country are planning an early trip to Northern France rather than miss entertainment in the Siegfried and Wotan line.

Following so closely upon the report that a Wallasey woman had discovered a German coin in a loaf of bread we were not surprised by a contemporary headline, "Seymour Hicks in a new Rôle."

Damage to the extent of twenty-five thousand pounds is said to have been caused to the crops in Australia by mice, and the Australian authorities contemplate the purchase of a mouse trap.

Economist (soliloquising). "We must all deny ourselves something. And to think, despite the paper shortage, people are still smoking cigarettes."

An Irish Settlement.

"Miss ——, who elected to serve fourteen days' imprisonment rather than pay a fine for an alleged assault arising out of a little commotion in Cork, was, on her release from prison, presented with a gold mounted umbrella in compensation for the one she broke on a policeman's head."—Evening Herald (Dublin).

In view of the admission in the last sentence, "alleged" is good.

"New York, Friday.—An elaborate programme of welcome will be escorted to the City Hall, which has been prepared. The British Mission has been strikingly decorated for the occasion with innumerable British and Allied flags."—Liverpool Post.

We are not anxiously awaiting a snapshot of Mr. Balfour in his latest costume.

"The vessels are at present under construction by the Kawashi Dockyard Company, Limited, of Kobe, and realised from £42 to £42 per ton deadweight."—Poverty Bay Herald.

A careful calculation will show that the average cost was almost exactly forty guineas.

"Several rhubord recipes have come in this week, so that the reader who esquired for recipe for rhubard jelly is supplied with this, and recipes for other rhubarb dainties as well."—Edmonton Journal (Canada).

If John Gilpin were to "dine at Edmonton" (Canada) he would come in for some nice new vegetables.

A PLACE OF ARMS.

[Inscribed by a humble member of the Inner Temple to the Benchers of his Inn.]