PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 158.

June 30th, 1920.

CHARIVARIA.

Fewer births are recorded in Ireland during the past seven months. No surprise can be felt, for we cannot imagine anybody being born in Ireland on purpose just now.

A London firm are now manufacturing what they call the smallest motor-car on the market. How great a boon this will be to the general public will be gathered from the report that one of these cars has been knocked down by a pedestrian.

According to a Sunday paper Mustapha Kemal wants as soldiers only those who will die for their belief in his cause. Previous experience is not essential.

Citizens of Ealing have protested against Sunday concerts unless Sunday bathing is also permitted. The pre-war custom of merely sponging the ears after attending a recital was never wholly satisfactory.

According to an inscription on the score card of the North Berwick Club, "golf is a science in which you may exhaust yourself but never your subject." Several clubs, however, claim to possess colonels who can say practically all that is worth saying about the game without stopping to get their second wind.

Girls have broadened out a lot, declared a speaker at the annual conference of the Head-mistresses' Association. The home-made jumper, it appears, has been coming in for a good deal of unmerited blame.

A middle-aged man was charged at the Thames Police Court the other day with having an altercation with a lamp-post. It appears that the man called the lamp-post "Pussyfoot," and the latter promptly knocked him down.

Special courts, it is stated, are to be set up for the trial of Irish criminals. The need, we gather, is for some machinery by which the trial can be conducted in the absence of the prisoner.

"I have put in a good three months in the garden," Mr. Smillie told a reporter, on his return to London, "and have coaxed some nice red roses out." Coaxing the nice red miners out is comparatively easy work.

On a question of equipment Ashford Fire Brigade has resigned. It is not known yet whether local fires will go out in sympathy with the Brigade.

Letchworth, the first Garden City, has voted itself dry by a majority of sixty-five. There seems to be a lack of hospitality in this attempt to discourage American visitors.

The latest news from Turkey, Russia and Ireland sets us wondering what the War made the world safe for.

Ants, we are informed, will not come near the hands of a person if well rubbed with a raw onion. The last time we attempted to rub an ant with a raw onion he broke away and made a dash for the hills.

The Chicago Tribune points out that two attempts have been made on the life of the ex-Kaiser. It is hoped that he will realise that it would be a breach of etiquette to get assassinated before the Allies have decided what is to be done with him.

We understand that one of the New Poor who recently found a burglar in his house searching for money immediately offered the intruder ten per cent. if he proved successful.

Referring to the report in these columns last week that two bricklayers were seen to remove their coats at Finsbury Park, we now hear that it was simply done to oblige a photographer who was understood to have been sent down by Dr. Addison.

Among the articles left in trains on a South Coast railway is a sandwich. Unless claimed within three days we understand that it will be broken up and sold to defray expenses.

IMPORTANT NOTICE.

Mr. Punch begs leave to draw the attention of the Intelligent Public to the fact that on Monday next, July 5th, he proposes to publish a Special Summer Number. All his previous Summer Numbers have appeared in the form of an ordinary weekly issue, with additional holiday and other matter. This is a Special Summer Number, altogether distinct from the weekly issue. It will contain thirty-six pages, almost entirely made up of drawings, and including several pages of illustrations in three colours. Mr. Punch has great pleasure in inviting his friends to encourage him in this new venture.

THE GORGEOUS UNIFORMS OF THE PAST MAY BE RE-INTRODUCED INTO THE ARMY; BUT, IF SO, THE CINEMA ATTENDANT WILL NOT GIVE IN WITHOUT A STRUGGLE.

Our Enterprising Contemporaries.

"News by Wire and Air.

To-day is the longest day."—"Daily Mail," June 21st.

The Expansion of Scotland.

"The most interesting features of the vital statistics of Scotland.... The girth-rate was higher than those of all first quarters since 1891.—Daily Paper.

Our Merry Municipalities.

"—— TOWN COUNCIL.

Minutes for Monday's Meeting.

More Increases of Wags."—Provincial Paper.

Threatened Unrest at the Zoo.

"Mr. Churchill has made up his mind, but if he gets his way every tadpole and tapir will take it as a precedent."—Daily News.

"In a driving competition Ray drove 723 yards, one inch."—South African Paper.

Another inch, and we should have refused to believe it.

"Wilson would Take Mandate over America.

Washington, May 25.—President Wilson Monday asked authority from Congress for the United States to accept a mandate over Armenia.—Canadian Paper.

But there is no reason to believe that the headline is inaccurate.

HOLIDAY ANTICIPATIONS.

[Now that holiday-planning is in season we have pleasure in announcing a few proposed schemes for the recreation of some of the mighty brains that shape our destinies and guide our groping intelligences. But it must be clearly understood that in these inconstant times we cannot vouch for their authenticity or guarantee fulfilment.]

Mr. Asquith's recent success in spotting the winner of the Derby is believed to have inspired Mr. Lloyd George with an idea of combining his present policy of always going one, if not two or three, better than the Old Man with a public demonstration of the extent to which the crude Puritanism of his youth has been mellowed by sympathies more in keeping with his later political alliances. He is credited with the intention of putting to appropriate use his peculiar gifts of non-committal prophecy and persuasive casuistry, and at the same time making sure of a profitable holiday in the open air by "doing" the Sussex Fortnight, beginning with the Goodwood meeting, in the capacity of Downy Dave, a race-course tipster.

There is reason to believe that, if the Recess should afford Sir William Sutherland