PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 159.

August 25th, 1920.

CHARIVARIA.

"What we have got to do," says Lord Rothermere, "is to keep calm and mind our own business, instead of worrying about the affairs of every other nation." It seems only fair to point out that The Daily News thought of this as long ago as August, 1914.

Gooseberries the size of bantams' eggs, says a news item, won a prize at the Deeside Horticultural Show. When we remember the giant gooseberries of a decade ago it rather looks as if the nation were losing its nerve.

With reference to the messenger seen running in Whitehall the other day a satisfactory explanation has now been given. He was doing it for the cinema.

The average Scot, says an Anti-Prohibition writer, cannot stand many drinks. Our experience supports this view; but he can be stood a good many.

A picture-paper gossip states that Mr. Churchill enjoys very good health. Just a touch of writer's cramp now and then, of course.

In a recent riot in Londonderry, it is stated, a number of inoffensive neutrals were set upon and beaten by rowdies of both factions. We have constantly maintained that Irish unity can always be secured when there is something really worth uniting over.

A lighthouse is advertised for sale in The Times. It is said to be just the kind of residence for a tall man with sloping shoulders.

A correspondent asks in the weekly press for a new name for charabancs. We wish we could think there was any use in calling them names.

Seaside bathers are advised not to enter the water after a heavy meal. The seaside visitor who could pay for such a meal would naturally not have enough left to pay for a bathing-machine.

A Thames bargee was knocked down by a taxi-cab at Kingston-on-Thames last week. A well-known firm has offered to publish his remarks in fortnightly parts.

The West Dulwich man who struck a rate-collector on the head with a telephone claims credit for finding some use for these instruments.

Sir Eric Drummond has purchased the largest hotel in Geneva on behalf of the League of Nations. It is said that he has been taking lessons from Sir Alfred Mond.

Following closely upon the announcement of the noiseless gun invented in New York comes the news that they have now invented some sound-proof bacon for export to this country.

It is stated that the man who last week said he understood the Rent Act was eventually pinned down by some friends and handed over to the care of his relatives.

According to a morning paper another Antarctic expedition is to be organised very shortly. We understand that only those who can stand a northern wind on all four sides need apply.

It is reported that a poultry-farmer in the West of England is making a fortune by giving his hens whisky to drink and then exporting their eggs to the United States.

A golf-ball was recently driven through the window of an express train near Knebworth. We are informed however that the player who struck the ball still maintains that the engine-driver deliberately ignored his shout of "Fore."

An amazing report reaches us from Yorkshire. It appears that a centenarian has been discovered who is unable to read without glasses or even to walk to market once a week.

The unveiling of one of the largest Peace memorials in the country is to take place on Armistice day this year. We hear that both the Premier and Mr. Winston Churchill have expressed a desire to attend unless prevented by the War.

Smart furriers, declares a fashion-paper, are pushing Beveren blue rabbit as one of the chic furs for the coming winter. The rabbit, our contemporary goes on to explain (superfluously, as it seems to us), is naturally blue.

On a recent occasion a meeting of the Dolgelly Rural Council had to be postponed, the members being absent hay-making. Parliament, on the other hand, has had to stop making hay owing to the Members being away in the country.

The Ministry of Food states that the period of normal supplies seems to come round in cycles of four years. Meanwhile the period of abnormal prices continues to come round in cycles of once a week. A movement in favour of postponing the cycle of payment till we get the cycle of plenty is not receiving adequate support from the provision trade.

Agricultural labourers near Peterborough have refused to work with Irishmen on the ground that the latter are troublesome. We always said that sooner or later someone would come round to Mr. Lloyd George's view on this point.

A newspaper reports the case of a waiter who refused a tip. It is said that the gentleman who offered it is making a slow recovery and may be able to take a little fish this week.

Caller. "Exchange? Get me double-six double-five nine Central—and get it quick, like they do it on the pictures."

The Growth of the Side-Car.

"Motor Cars, Cycles, &c.

Argyll.—2 Bedrooms and sitting-room, with attendance."—Scotch Paper.

"BRIGHTON ELECTRIC RAILWAY.

Palace Pier and Kemp Town Cars every Five Years."—Local Paper.

It is inferred that the Ministry of Transport has assumed control.

AN APOLOGY TO THE BENCH.

Humbly addressed to T.E.S.