Fact is I'm cut.

JUDGE
Did you git cut in de fracas?

WOMAN
                             (feeling the back of her left thigh
                             below her buttocks)
Not in de fracas, Judge—just below it.
                             (She starts to show the JUDGE where
                             she has been cut. He motions to stop
                             her.)

JUDGE
Stop!
                              (to Officer Simpson)
Grab him. Put him in de shade.

CLIFF
Judge, I'm unguilty! I ain't laid de weight of my hand on her in malice.
You got me 'cused of murder and I ain't harmed a child.

JUDGE Lemme ast you something. Didn't you know dat all de women in dis town belongs to me? Beat my women and I'll stuff you in jail. 90 years. Take 'im away. (CLIFF is led off to jail. JUDGE looks angrily at the boy who is holding hands with the pretty girl) You runs me hot and I'm just dyin' to sit on yo' case. Whut you in here for?

BOY
Nothin'.

JUDGE
Well, whut you doin' in my court, you gater-faced rascal?

BOY My girl wanted to see whut was goin' on, so I brought her in.

JUDGE
Oh yeah!
                             (Smiles at GIRL)
She was usin' good sense to come see whut I'm doin', but how come you
come in here? You gointer have a hard time gittin' out.

BOY I ain't done a thing. I ain't never done nothin'. I'm just as clean as a fish, and he been bathin' all his life.

JUDGE You ain't done nothin', hunh? Well den youse guilty of vacancy. Grab 'im, Simpson, and search 'im—and if he got any concealed weapons, I'm gointer give 'im life-time and eight years mo'. (The OFFICER seizes the boy and frisks him. All he finds is a new deck of cards. The JUDGE looks at them in triumph.) Unh hunh! I knowed it, one of dese skin game jelly-beans. Robbin' hard workin' men out they money.

BOY
Judge, I ain't used 'em at all. See, dey's brand new.

JUDGE Well, den youse charged wid totin' concealed cards and attempt to gamble. Ten years at hard labor. Put him in de dark, Simpson, and throw de key away. (He looks at the girl and beams.) Don't you worry bout how you gointer git home. You gointer be took home right, 'cause I'm gointer take you myself. Bring on de next one, clerk.

CLERK Jemima Flap-Cakes, charged with illegal possession and sale of alcoholic liquors.

JUDGE (She is a fat, black, belligerent looking woman. JUDGE looks coldly at her.) Well, you heard whut he said. Is you guilty or unguilty? And I'm tellin' you right now dat you come up befo' me it's just like youse in church. You better have a strong determination, and you better tell a good experience.

JEMIMA
                             (Arms akimbo)
Yes, I sold it and I'll sell it again.
                             (snaps fingers and shakes hips)
How does ole booze-selling mama talk?

JUDGE
Yes, five thousand dollars and ten years in jail.
                             (Snaps fingers and shakes hips)
How does ole heavy fining papa talk?
                             (She is led away, shouting and
                             weeping)

CLERK
De Otis Blunt, charged wid stealin' a mule.
                             (LAWYER arises and comes forward with
                             the prisoner)

LAWYER
You can't convict this man. I'm here to represent him.

JUDGE
Yo' mouf might spout lak a coffee pot but I got a lawyer
                             (Looks at other lawyer)
dat kin beat your segastuatin'.
                             (Looks admiring at girl)
How am I chewin' my dictionary and minglin' my alphabets?

LAWYER
Well, I kin try, can't I?

JUDGE
Oh yeah, you kin try, but I kin see right now where he's gointer git all
de time dat God ever made dat ain't been used already. From now on.
                             (To LAWYER)
Go 'head, and spread yo' lungs all over Georgy, but he's goin' to jail!
Mules must be respected.

LAWYER
                             (Striking a pose at the bar)
Your Honor,
                             (Looks at the pretty girl)
Ladies and Gentlemen—

JUDGE
Never mind 'bout dat lady. You talk yo' chat to me.

LAWYER This is a clear case of syllogism! Again I say syllogism. My client is innocent because it was a dark night when they say he stole the mule and that's against all laws of syllogism. (JUDGE looks impressed and laughs)

JUDGE
Dat ole fool do know somethin' 'bout law.

LAWYER When George Washington was pleading de case of Marbury vs. Madison, what did he say? What did he say? Scintillate, scintillate, Globule orific. Fain would I fathom thy nature's specific. Loftily poised in ether capacious, strongly resembling a gem carbonacious. What did Abraham Lincoln say about mule-stealing? When torrid Phoebut refuses his presence and ceases to lamp with fierce incandescence, then you illumine the regions supernal, scintillate, scintillate, semper noctornal. Syllogism, again I say syllogism. (He takes his seat amid applause)

JUDGE
Man, youse a pleadin' fool. You knows yo' rules and by-laws.

OTHER LAWYER
Let me show my glory. Let me spread my habeas corpus.

JUDGE
'Tain't no use. Dis lawyer done convinced me.

OTHER LAWYER
But, lemme parade my material—

JUDGE
Parade yo' material anywhere you wants to exceptin' befo' me. Dis lil
girl wants to go home and I'm goin' with her and enjoy de consequences.
Court's adjourned.