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قراءة كتاب Miss Civilization: A Comedy in One Act

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‏اللغة: English
Miss Civilization: A Comedy in One Act

Miss Civilization: A Comedy in One Act

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دار النشر: Project Gutenberg
الصفحة رقم: 3

he stands with the chair raised as
   though to strike.

   HARRY points revolver at curtains.

   REDDY shifts the lantern to his left hand and, standing close to
   HARRY, also points a revolver.

   ALICE appears between curtains.  She is dressed as before, and in
   her left hand carries the candle, while the forefinger of her right
   hand is held warningly to her lips.  For an instant she pauses, in
   the ring of light from the lantern.)

   ALICE:
   (Whispering)
   Hush!  Don't make a noise.  Don't make a noise, please.

   (There is a long pause.)

   REDDY:
   Well, I'll be hung!

   ALICE:
   (To REDDY)
   Please don't make a noise.

   HATCH:
   (in a threatening whisper)
   Don't YOU make a noise.

   ALICE:
   I don't mean to.  My mother is asleep upstairs and she is very ill.
   And I don't want to wake her—and I don't want you to wake her,
   either.

   REDDY:
   Well, I'll be hung!

   HATCH:
   (Angrily)
   Who else is in this house?

   ALICE:
   No one but mother and the maid servants, and they're asleep.  You
   woke me, and I hoped you'd go without disturbing mother.  But when
   you started in making a night of it, I decided I'd better come down
   and ask you to be as quiet as possible.  My mother is not at all
   well.
   (Takes cigar box off table.)
   Excuse me, you've got the wrong cigars.  Those are the cigars
   father keeps for his friends.  Those he smokes he hides over here.
   (Places box on buffet and takes out a larger box, with partitions
   for cigars, matches, and cigarettes.  As she moves about, REDDY
   keeps her well in the light of the lantern.)
   Try those.  I'm afraid you've a very poor supper.  When father is
   away, we have such a small family.  I can't see what you've—would
   you mind taking that light out of my eyes, and pointing it at that
   tray?

   HATCH:
   (sharply)
   Don't you do it.  Keep the gun on her.

   ALICE:
   Oh, I don't mind his pointing the gun at me, so long as he does not
   point that light at me.  It's most—embarrassing.
   (Sternly.)
   Turn it down there, please.
   (REDDY lets light fall on tray.)
   Why, that's cooking sherry you've got.  You can't drink THAT!  Let
   me get you some whiskey.

   REDDY:
   (covering her with lantern)
   No, you don't.  That's not whiskey.  It's benzine.

   ALICE:
   You don't mean to say that that benzine bottle is there STILL?  I
   told Jane to take it away.

   REDDY:
   (dryly)
   Well, Jane didn't do it.

   ALICE:
   Now, isn't that just like Jane?  I told her it might set fire to
   the house and burn us alive.

   REDDY:
   It nearly burned me alive.

   ALICE:
   I'm so sorry.
   (Takes from buffet a tray holding whiskey bottle, siphon, and three
   glasses.)
   Here, this is what you want.  But, perhaps you don't like Scotch.

   HATCH:
   Don't you touch that, Reddy.
   (Returns to chair at left of table.)

   REDDY:
   Why not?

   ALICE:
   (pours whiskey into a glass)
   Yes; why not?  It's not poison.  There's nothing wrong with this
   bottle.  If you're afraid, I'll prove it to you.  Just to show you
   there's not a trace of hard feelings.
   (Drinks and coughs violently.)

   REDDY:
   (sympathetically)
   SHE'S got the benzine bottle, too.

   ALICE:
   No.  I'm not quite used to that.
   (To HARRY)
   Excuse me, but aren't you getting tired holding that big pistol?
   Don't you think you might put it down now, and help me serve this
   supper?
   (HARRY does not move.)
   No?  Well, then, let the colored gentleman help me.
   (HARRY and REDDY wheel sharply, each pointing his revolver.)

   REDDY:
   Colored man!  Where?

   HARRY:
   Colored man!  It's a trap!

   (Seeing no one, they turn.)

   ALICE:
   (to REDDY)
   Oh, pardon me.  Aren't you a colored person?

   REDDY:
   Me!  Colored?  You never see a colored man with hair like that, did
   you?
   (Points lantern at his head.)
   This isn't my real face, lady.  Why, out of office hours, I've a
   complexion like cream and roses.
   (Indignantly.)
   Colored man!

   ALICE:
   I beg your pardon, but I can't see very well.  Don't you think it
   would be more cheerful if we had a little more light?

   HATCH:
   No!
   (To REDDY.)
   Drop that.  We've got to go.
   (To ALICE.)
   And before we go, I've got to fix you.

   ALICE:
   Fix me—how "fix" me?

   HATCH:
   I'm sorry, Miss, but it's your own fault.  You shouldn't have tried
   to see us.  Now that you HAVE, before we leave, I've got to tie you
   to a chair—and gag you.

   ALICE:
   Oh, really—all of that?

   HATCH:
   I can't have you raising the neighborhood until we get well away.

   ALICE:
   I see.  But—gagged—I'll look so foolish.

   REDDY:
   Well, there's no hurry.  We won't get well away until I've had
   something to eat.

   ALICE:
   Quite right.
   (To Hatch.) You can tie me in a chair later, Mr. ——.  But now
   you must remember that I am your hostess.
   (To REDDY.)
   You'll find plates in the pantry, please.

   REDDY:
   Oh, I don't use them things.

   ALICE:
   You'll use "them things" when you eat with me.  Go, do as I tell
   you, please.
   (REDDY exits..)
   And you—put away that silly gun and help him.

   HATCH:
   Stay where you are.

   HARRY:
   Oh, what's the rush, governor?  She can't hurt nobody.  And I'm
   near starved, too.
   (Exit into pantry.)

   HATCH:
   This is the last time I take YOU out.

   ALICE:
   (arranging the food upon the table)
   Now, why are you so peevish to everybody?  Why don't you be
   sociable, and take some supper?
   (Glances at sideboard.)
   You seem to have taken everything else.  Oh, that reminds me.
   Would you object to loaning me about—four, six—about six of our
   knives and forks?  Just for the supper.  I suppose we can borrow
   from the neighbors for breakfast.  Unless you've been calling on
   the neighbors, too.

   HATCH:
   Oh, anything to oblige a lady.
   (Threateningly.)
   But no tricks, now!

   ALICE:
   Oh, I can't promise that, because I mightn't be able to keep my
   promise.

   (HATCH brings silver knives and forks from the bag.)

   HATCH:
   I'll risk all the tricks you know.  Nobody's got much the better of
   me in the last twenty years.

   ALICE:
   Have you been a burglar twenty years?  You must have begun very
   young.  I can't see your face very well, but I shouldn't say you
   were—over forty.  Do take that mask off.  It looks so—unsociable.
   Don't be afraid of me.  I've a perfectly shocking memory for faces.
   Now, I'm sure that under that unbecoming and terrifying exterior
   you are hiding a kind and fatherly countenance.  Am I right?
   (Laughs.)
   Why do you wear it?

   HATCH:
   (roughly)
   To keep my face warm.

   ALICE:
   Oh, pardon

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