PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

Vol. 159.

December 1st, 1920.

CHARIVARIA.

According to The Evening News, lambs have already put in an appearance in Dorset. People who expect the Poet Laureate to rush to the spot will be bitterly disappointed.

"What was a golden eagle doing in Lincolnshire?" asks "L.G.M." in The Daily Mail. We never answer these personal questions.

The Public Libraries Committee of West Ham has declined to purchase The Autobiography of Margot Asquith. It would just serve them right if the publisher sent them a copy.

Sir R. Baden-Powell recently declared that men contemplating matrimony would do well to notice whether their prospective brides gave an inside or an outside tread. We still maintain that the safest course is to remain single and not be trodden on either way.

The report that a British soldier has recently discovered a genuine specimen of a small war, in which Mr. Winston Churchill had no hand whatever, is now regarded as untrustworthy.

A Scotsman knocked down by a car in New York was given a glass of water and quickly regained consciousness. He is now making inquiries concerning the number of times one has to be knocked down in order to get a drop of spirit.

Sea-gulls have been observed near the Willesden public parks. It is assumed that they didn't know it was Willesden.

A clothing firm advertises suits to fit any figure. It is not known what eventually happened to the man who asked them to supply him with a suit for a figure round about thirty shillings.

An express train recently crashed through the closed gates of a level-crossing in Yorkshire. As the driver did not pull up in order to see what damage he had done, it is supposed that he was originally a motorist.

Another walk from London to Brighton is being organised. It is hoped that this habit will ultimately bring down the high cost of travelling.

The Hammersmith Council, says a news item, has placed an order for tiles in Belgium. Another shrewd stroke at the Sandringham hat.

"Trade combinations," declares Sir Robert Horne, "are not responsible for the increased cost of living." We agree. The struggle for our last shilling between the dogged-as-does-it butcher and the grocer who never knows when he is beaten is à outrance.

Next year is Census year, and people are kindly requested to be born early in order to avoid the rush at the last moment.

A new bathing-suit invented by an official of the Royal Army Clothing Department is claimed to make drowning impossible. It is said to fill a long-felt want among young kittens.

Should this bathing-suit fail to save any person from drowning he can call at the office and have his money back.

We are asked to deny the rumour said to be current in Manchester to the effect that the Prime Minister was contemplating publishing a Northern edition of his New World.

"To be happy, marry a brown-eyed girl," says The Daily Graphic. A correspondent writes to say that he invariably does.

"My lodger," said a complainant at Clerkenwell Police Court, "threatens to tear me up into pieces." It was pointed out to him that this would be a breach of the law.

During a duel on the cliffs near Boulogne one of the combatants deliberately fired his revolver into the sea, whereupon the other immediately fired into the air. There seems to be no end to the dangers which beset submarine-sailors and airmen.

A few days ago an angler at Southend-on-Sea fished up a silver chain purse containing four one-pound notes. His claim that a large leather wallet containing several fivers and a diamond ring broke the line and got away after a terrific struggle is being received with the usual caution.

The many critics of the Postmaster-General should remember that telephones are all right if people would only let them alone.

Our heart goes out to the veteran philosopher who, when caught climbing apple-trees in a farmer's orchard, pleaded that he had been tampering with a thyroid gland.

Five million typhoid germs, the property of Mr. John Gibbon, are said to be at large in Philadelphia, according to The Daily Express. One of them is said to have got away disguised as a measle.

According to The Daily Mail a panic was recently caused in a Manchester tea-room by a rat which took refuge in the leg of a gentleman's trousers. This may not mean that the need of a new style of rat-proof trouser has attracted the interest of Carmelite House publicity agents, but we have our apprehensions.

"Hard work will kill no one," declares a literary editor. Most people, of course, prefer an occupation with a spice of danger about it.

Son. "Muvver, tell me 'ow farver got ter know yer."

Mother. "One dye I fell into the water an' 'e jumped in an' fished me aht."

Son (thoughtfully). "H'm, thet's funny; 'e won't let me learn ter swim."

"Madame ——, Dressmaker, Milliner, and Ladies' making paths, tree lifting; planting; would suit nursery."—Provincial Paper.

But would she do plain sowing?

THE STANDARD GOLF-BALL

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