family in all Cornwall. Your ale be as dead as my grandmother; mistress do set by the fire, and sputter like an apple a-roasting; the pigs ha' gotten the measles; I be grown thinner nor an old sixpence; and thee hast drank up all the spirity liquors.

Dennis. By my soul, I believe my setting up the Red Cow, a week ago, was a bit of a Bull!—but that's no odds. Haven't I been married these three months?—and who did I marry?

Dan. Why, a waddling woman, wi' a mulberry feace.

Dennis. Have done with your blarney, Mr. Dan. Think of the high blood in her veins, you bog trotter.

Dan. Ees; I always do, when I do look at her nose.

Dennis. Never you mind Mrs. Brulgruddery's nose. Was'nt she fat widow to Mr. Skinnygauge, the lean exciseman of Lestweithel? and did'nt her uncle, who is fifteenth cousin to a Cornish Baronet, say he'd leave her no money, if he ever happen'd to have any, because she had disgraced her parentage, by marrying herself to a taxman? Bathershan, man, and don't you think he'll help us out of the mud, now her second husband is an Irish jontleman, bred and born?

Dan. He, he! Thee be'st a rum gentleman.

Dennis. Troth, and myself, Mr. Dennis Brulgruddery, was brought up to the church.

Dan. Why, zure!

Dennis. You may say that, I open'd the pew doors, in Belfast.

Dan. And what made 'em to turn thee out o'the treade?

Dennis. I snored in sermon time. Dr. Snufflebags, the preacher, said I woke the rest of the congregation. Arrah, Dan, don't I see a tall customer stretching out his arms in the fog?

Dan. Na; that be the road-post.

Dennis. 'Faith, and so it is. Och! when I was turn'd out of my snug birth at Belfast, the tears ran down my eighteen year old cheeks, like buttermilk.

Dan. Pshaw, man! nonsense! Thee'dst never get another livelihood by crying.

Dennis. Yes, I did; I cried oysters. Then I pluck'd up——what's that? a customer!

Dan. [Looking out.] Na, a donkey.

Dennis. Well, then I pluck'd up a parcel of my courage, and I carried arms.

Dan. Waunds! what, a musket?

Dennis. No; a reaping hook. I cut my way half through England: till a German learn'd me physic, at a fair in Devonshire.

Dan. What, poticary's stuff?

Dennis. I studied it in Doctor Von Quolchigronck's booth, at Plympton. He cured the yellow glanders, and restored prolification to families who wanted an heir. I was of mighty use to him as an assistant.

Dan. Were you indeed!

Dennis. But, somehow, the doctor and I had a quarrel; so I gave him something, and parted.

Dan. And what didst thee give him, pray?

Dennis. I gave him a black-eye; and set up for myself at Lestweithel; where Mr. Skinnygauge, the exciseman, was in his honeymoon.—Poor soul! he was my patient, and died one day: but his widow had such a neat notion of my subscriptions, that in three weeks, she was Mrs. Brulgruddery.

Dan. He, he! so you jumped into the old man's money?

Dennis. Only a dirty hundred pounds. Then her brother-in-law, bad luck to him! kept the Red Cow, upon Muckslush Heath, till his teeth chatter'd him out of the world, in an ague.

Dan. Why, that be this very house.

Dennis. Ould Nick fly away with the roof of it! I took the remainder of the lease, per advice of my bride, Mrs. Brulgruddery: laid out her goodlooking hundred pound for the furniture, and the goodwill; bought three pigs, that are going into a consumption; took a sarvingman——

Dan. That's I.—I be a going into a consumption too, sin you hired me.

Dennis. And devil a soul has darken'd my doors for a pot of beer since I have been a publican.

Dan. See!—See, mun, see! yon's a traveller, sure as eggs!—and a coming this road.

Dennis. Och, hubbaboo! a customer, at last! St. Patrick send he may be a pure dry one! Be alive, Dan, be alive! run and tell him there's elegant refreshment at the Red Cow.

Dan. I will—Oh, dang it, I doesn't mind a bit of a lie.

Dennis. And harkye:—say there's an accomplish'd landlord.

Dan. Ees—and a genteel waiter; but he'll see that.

Dennis. And, Dan;—sink that little bit of a thunder storm, that has sour'd all the beer, you know.

Dan. What, dost take me for an oaf? Dang me, if he han't been used to drink vinegar, he'll find it out fast enow of himsel, Ise warrant un!

[Exit.

Dennis. Wife!—I must tell her the joyful news—Mrs. Brulgruddery! my dear!—Devil choak my dear!—she's as deaf as a trunk-maker—Mrs. Brulgruddery!

Enter Mrs. Brulgruddery.

Mrs. Brul. And what do you want, now, with Mrs. Brulgruddery? What's to become of us? tell me that. How are we going on, I shou'd like to know?

Dennis. Mighty like a mile-stone—standing still, at this present writing.

Mrs. Brul. A pretty situation we are in truly!

Dennis. Yes;—upon Muckslush Heath, and be damn'd to it.

Mrs. Brul. And, where is the fortune I brought you?

Dennis. All swallow'd up by the Red Cow.

Mrs. Brul. Ah! had you follow'd my advice, we shou'd never have been in such a quandary.

Dennis. Tunder and turf! didn't yourself advise me to take this public house?

Mrs. Brul. No matter for that. I had a relation who always kept it. But, who advised you to drink out all the brandy?

Dennis. No matter for that. I had a relation who always drank it.

Mrs. Brul. Ah! my poor dear Mr. Skinnygauge never brought tears into my eyes, as you do!

[Crying.

Dennis. I know that—I saw you at his funeral.

Mrs. Brul. You're a monster!

Dennis. Am I?—Keep it to yourself, then, my lambkin.

Mrs. Brul. You'll be the death of me; you know you will.

Dennis. Look up, my sweet Mrs. Brulgruddery! while I give you a small morsel of consolation.

Mrs. Brul. Consolation indeed!

Dennis. Yes—There's a customer coming.

Mrs. Brul. [Brightening.] What!

Dennis. A customer. Turn your neat jolly face over the Heath, yonder. Look at Dan, towing him along, as snug as a cock salmon into a fish basket.

Mrs. Brul. Jimminy, and so there is! Oh, my dear Dennis! But I knew how it would be, if you had but a little patience. Remember, it was all by my advice you took the Red Cow.

Dennis. Och ho! it was, was it?

Mrs. Brul. I'll run, and spruce myself up a bit. Aye, aye, I hav'n't prophesied a customer to-day for nothing.

[Goes