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Arrived in London, Richard speedily plunges into the gay life of the great Metropolis. He makes the acquaintance of Vera Vavasour, the famous actress and leader of the Smart Set. He entertains her to tea at the Fitz Hotel.

In the meantime, all Nancy's relations having died, she is thrown upon her own resources, and obtains a situation as kitchenmaid at the Fitz. From a place of concealment she watches, with dismay, the false behaviour of her former lover.

Richard, whose previous incursions into society had not led him higher than A.B.C. shops, is unable to meet the bill. Vera reveals herself in her true colours and refuses to offer monetary assistance. The irate manager threatens to call in the police. Nancy to the rescue!

Nancy, having with her hard-earned savings discharged the bill, is clasped to his breast by Richard, who then and there abjures the Smart Set and makes stern resolve never again to fall a victim to "the Lure of London."

Lieutenant. "Nobody hurt? Then what the deuce are you kicking up such a row for?"

Tommy. "Well, Sir, look at the mess they bloomin' 'Uns 'ave made in the trench just after I've swep' it up!"

MUSICAL JUMBOMANIA.

"The piano with a thirty-foot keyboard, forty-five octaves, and five hundred and twenty-two keys, which Mr. Alfred Butt will 'present' in 'Follow the Crowd' at the Empire Theatre, is now in course of construction. Six pianists will play it, and Mr. Irving Berlin, the composer of 'Watch Your Step,' is composing some special melodies for them."—Sunday Paper.

The new Bombastophone which the Titanola Company are constructing for Mr. Boomer, the famous War lecturer, is approaching completion. This remarkable instrument, which roughly resembles a double-bassoon, stands about 45 feet high, and has a compass of 500 octaves, from the low B flat in profundissimo to the high G on the Doncaster St. Leger line. The use that Mr. Boomer makes of the Bombastophone is very original and effective. Whenever he sees that the attention of his audience is flagging he introduces an interlude of "bombination," which renders lethargy impossible and exercises an indescribably stimulating effect on the tympanum. The current of air is supplied by a bellows operated by an eight-cylinder Brome engine, but Mr. Boomer works the keys himself, climbing up and down them with a rapidity which must be seen to be appreciated.

Another instrument which is expected to work a revolution in the realm of sonority is the Clumbungo Drum, on which Mr. Wackford Bumpus will shortly give a recital at the Albert Hall. The drum, which is made of teak and rhinoceros hide, is three hundred feet in circumference, but only twenty feet high, and the drumsticks are of proportionate length. As Dr. Blamphin, the eminent aurist, remarks, "The merit of the notes of this momentous instrument is their profound sincerity. They cannot be disregarded even by the most absent-minded auditor."

HINTS FOR AIR RAIDS.

The War Office have issued a notice reminding the public that they are greatly inconvenienced by persons who telephone for information during the progress of an air raid. To avoid a repetition of the trouble the attention of the public is called to the following information:—

(1) Elderly ladies may deposit their lap dogs in the bomb-proof shelter erected for that purpose in the basement of the War Office buildings at Whitehall, a charge of one penny per dog per raid being made.

(2) Persons removed from the interior of motor omnibuses by the explosion of bombs dropped by airships cannot claim from the Government a refund of the fares paid by them.

(3) Persons having reason to believe that an air raid is in progress are requested to put on their hats before leaving the house, as it has been ascertained that a hard hat is a substantial protection against falling Zeppelins.

(4) For the benefit of editors and others who are dissatisfied with the precautions taken to cope with the Zeppelin peril, Messrs. Selfgrove & Co. announce that their new Strafing Room will shortly be open to the public.

(5) As the force of a bomb explosion is largely in an upward direction, those in the immediate vicinity of a dropping bomb are advised to assume a recumbent position, in which they will enjoy the added advantage of being indistinguishable from the pavement.

(6) As theatre audiences are notoriously subject to panic, actor-managers are earnestly requested to prepare beforehand some suitable jest with which, in the event of a bomb entering the theatre, the attention of the audience may be distracted.

A BLOW FOR THE CRESCENT.

Sultan of Turkey. "ALL-HIGHEST, ERZERUM HAS FALLEN!"

Kaiser. "GOTT—I SHOULD SAY, ALLAH—STRAFE RUSSLAND!"

UNDERGROUND GAME.

It was four o'clock on a wet wintry morning.

Captain Blank executed an inadvertent double-shuffle on a greasy trench plank and wondered vaguely why the rain should always come from the north-east. Presently a figure squelched up to him and halted.

"'Tis Sergeant O'Hagan, Sorr," it whispered hoarsely.

"Well, Sergeant, what is it?"

"'Tis the sintry at Fosse 19, Sorr. He's reported quare noises in that inimy sap beyant."

"Been dreaming, I expect," muttered the Captain, and then added briskly, "I think I'll have a listen myself. Go ahead, Sergeant."

They made their way slowly along the uneven trench, past silent figures reclining in various attitudes of ease or discomfort; past emplacements where machine-guns and trench-mortars were innocently sleeping (with one eye always open) or being overhauled by an expert night-nurse. Eventually, by that instinct common to trench-dwellers and professional poachers, they found themselves at Fosse 19, and with superlative caution crept up to the sentry.

"What's wrong?" whispered the Captain tersely.

"Well, Sir," replied Private Blobbs, "I was standin' 'ere on listenin' duty, when I 'ears somethink movin' very contagious, so I pops up me 'ead to 'ave a peep. Didn't see nothink, but I 'ears a pecooliar noise like——There y'are, Sir."

He broke off abruptly, and, borne upon the wind, came a series of guttural murmurs.

"Now wouldn't ut give one a quare shtart, that?" remarked Sergeant