PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 158.

MAY 5, 1920.

CHARIVARIA.

We understand that Lord Fisher, who is reported to have taken a week off to say what he thought about the Budget, has asked for an extension of time.

Germany has decided to abolish gradually all titles of nobility. They will disappear Von by Von.

Six hundred Irish emigrants left for New York last Wednesday on board the Celtic. All, we understand, were advised before leaving that the price of a man's votes, after the first five or six, isn't what it was in former Presidential elections.

"I hope I will not come back until the basis of a real peace with Russia is secured," said Mr. Snowden on the eve of his departure. There are other people who don't much mind what cause detains him.

An earthquake is reported in California, and a volume of poems by the Poet Laureate is announced. What a breathless week!

"What is wanted in our prisons," says a well-known preacher, "is more humanity; in the Irish prisons in particular the right kind of humanity." Even in the rare cases where we get hold of it we don't seem able to keep it.

The Liverpool and District Federation of Brotherhoods and Sisterhoods, protesting against Sunday cricket, declare their anxiety to maintain in every way the traditional sacredness of the English Sabbath. With roast beef at its present price this seems scarcely possible.

A "uniform evening dress for women" was advocated at a discussion on "Fashions" by members of the Lyceum Club. Smart Society, it is observed, by a gradual process of elimination is working down to something of the kind.

"Increased party bitterness," says a Berlin correspondent, "is becoming a feature of German life." A sharp cleavage of opinion is detected between the party that refuses to comply with the terms of the Peace Treaty and the section that merely intends to evade them.

It appears that a man has been fined five pounds for using bad language about Mr. Winston Churchill. Latest reports from the district are to the effect that his remarks were rather good value for the money.

A weekly paper advocates the sterilizing of all foodstuffs. This is a decided advance on the old custom of sifting soup through a set of whiskers.

Germany, says Mr. James Douglas, lost the War. It is said that even the ex-Kaiser now admits that everything seems to point that way.

A Madras tiger cub, we are informed, has been born at Pontypridd. We can only suppose that the animal did not know it was Pontypridd.

Futurist painters, says a contemporary, are becoming scarce in America. The wave of crime that followed the War seems to be falling off.

The Department Committee of the Falkland Islands suggest that whales should be marked by a small projectile. This is much better than screwing the monster into a vice and carving its name and address on it with a chisel.

A Beachy Head correspondent writes to a daily paper to say that he has seen a peculiarly bright light in the sky. Quite a number of people are asking, Can it be the sun?

A morning paper reports that the Government is now offering for sale all machinery, fixtures and fittings installed in a certain large aerodrome in Hampshire. It is rumoured that they will be willing to buy them back from the purchasers at an enhanced price in order to equip a new aerodrome in the same locality.

According to a witness at Willesden Police Court a carter charged with insulting behaviour swore for twenty minutes without repeating himself. We understand that the Bargees' Union take a very serious view of the matter.

"The cost of cremation is now exceptionally low," announces a Sunday paper. Inexpensive luxuries are so rare in these days that one is tempted to give it a trial.

Replying to Sir K. Fraser, Mr. Austen Chamberlain stated that he was not prepared to levy an equalizing tax on total abstainers. The belief that they are already sufficiently punished is widely held.

"Man, naturally funny, desires to be trained for stage funny-man" (Times Advertisement). The initial handicap is bound to tell against him. He should try the House of Commons.

Twenty-one pigs have died at Woking as the result of eating phosphorus. The owner was apparently unaware that it has taken years to accustom the American pig to a phosphorus diet.

Hythe Council is offering sixpence a dozen for dead wasps. Hunters may bring their captures in on the hoof but must slaughter them before they can touch the money.

A South Wales miner charged with trapping birds was found to be wearing three coats. As this might have been due to an oversight on the part of his valet it was not included in the charge.

THE THINGS WE WRITE.

"Sir Pompey and his guests literally swam in champagne."

Our Tireless Terpsichoreans.

"Miss ——'s dance will take place on the 22nd and terminate on the 29th for this season."—Advt. in Provincial Paper.

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"That fine sporting neighbourhood, Epsom, is represented by a big cheque from the town cub."—Evening Paper.

Good dog!

THE HEALING WATERS OF SPA.

[It is feared that the Treaty with the Turk will not be signed in time for him to receive an invitation to join the Allies and their late enemies, towards the end of May, at the Conference to be held at Spa, where it is proposed to discuss a common scheme for the regeneration of the world.]

LE MONDE OÙ L'ON TRAVAILLE.

There had been a long silence between us. We sat lunching