the Magistrate. This shows that dogs can reason. Our dog eventually died of being constantly quoted by Curates a Temperance Lectures. This was disappointing, as we had never grudged him either attention or butlers. One of our butlers had a cork leg,—but that is another story.

Sub Silentio.—(1) A dog's chief value is conversational. At afternoon teas such an animal is a wonderful resource after you have exhausted the picture-shows, the theatres, and all the scandals. You can lead off about his pedigree. "He's champion bred on both sides," always sounds well. A funny man is sure to say, "Champion bread-and-butter you mean. Ha! ha!" at the same time offering the animal some from the tea-table, to mark his point. This may be previously arranged, if you prefer it. Throw in a few stories about his wonderful intelligence in distinguishing the baker's boy from the mistress of the house, to the detriment of the former, and wind up by narrating how he once found his way home to Piccadilly from Pekin. All dogs do this in one way or another, so you will be quite safe. Then everybody else contributes his own special Spectatorial dog-story, and your tea will pass off without a dull or an accurate moment.

HOW NOT TO DO IT.

(Act from a Farce ready for Performance pending the settlement of the Labour Question.)

Scene—Interior of a Provided Work Office. Benevolent Organiser discovered looking over a list.

Ben. Org. Yes, I think this will do very well indeed. New pump, fresh road. Ought to keep them going comfortably through the rest of the winter. (Enter Unemployed.) Well, my good man, and what do you want?

Unemployed (in a whining tone). Me and my mates, Sir, are out of work. It's no fault of ours, and——

Ben. Org. Well, we will see what we can do.

Unem. Thankee kindly, Sir, I'm sure 'arf a sufferin, or even 'arf a dollar——

Ben. Org. (ignoring this suggestion). Now, let me see—what's your trade?

Unem. A watch-maker. So you see, as the Press says, you can't send me to mend roads, or build pumps.

Ben. Org. No, no. I have overlooked your class. But stay—I think I can forward you to a friend. Let me see, what time is it? (Produces watch, and lets it fall.) Dear me! It has stopped, as I live! (With vivacity.) My dear fellow, here is a chance for you. You shall mend it.

Unem. (freshening up). Only too pleased to take your watch.

[Possesses himself of the time-piece, and exit hurriedly.