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قراءة كتاب Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, February 4, 1914

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Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, February 4, 1914

Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 146, February 4, 1914

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دار النشر: Project Gutenberg
الصفحة رقم: 4

signifying blind.


Scene III.

[The same. The air is heavy with the scent of stout. Mrs. M'Gann sits before the fire. She still peels potatoes. The Stranger is almost concealed behind grandfather clock number four, from the shelter of which he peers nervously at the window, which has returned to its original position. A heavy step is heard outside.

Mrs. M'Gann (starting up in terror). That's Shaun's step!

[The door is kicked open and Shaun enters. He is fairly far gone in drink. As he looks at her she backs a step or two and stares at him wildly. He kicks over grandfather clock number one, which is evidently damaged by the fall, as it commences to strike wildly and insistently.

Mrs. M'Gann. Shaun!

[He staggers over and looks at her closely for a moment. Then he catches her by the throat, hurls her to the ground, and begins to kick her savagely. He laughs as he kicks her, for at heart he is not a bad-natured man. She gradually becomes still. At last he stops and looks at her.

Shaun. Mary! (A pause. Then in a louder tone, with a note of alarm in his voice) Mary!

[He looks at her for two minutes in a dazed way and then staggers out of the room. The Stranger, who until this moment has not said a word, does not speak now. Grandfather clock number one continues to strike insistently.

Curtain.



SceneVillage Concert—Squire's turn to sing.

Official. "'Ope you gets on all right, Sir. It's been fairly good oop t' now."


"The first brick of the structural work was laid on Tuesday, Jan. 6th, and is proceeding rapidly."—Clacton Times.

Destination unknown.



THE MASCOT CRAZE: A CUP-TIE OF THE FUTURE.


IVORY.

O, chiefly procured by a fate that is harshish

From ponderous pachyderms' innocent shapes!

O, shipped of old time by the navies of Tarshish

For Solomon's court and the wondering gapes

Of Jerusalem's Great Age,

The invoice for freightage

Including some items of peacocks and parcels of apes!

O exquisite surface of Orient idols!

O, hewn by the workmen of cunning Cathay

For the sword-hilts of kings and their saddles and bridles!

O, carved for Athene! O, chosen to-day

For the match now proceeding

Betwixt those two leading

And infantile billiard antagonists, Newman and Gray!

O, how shall I sing of thee, loved of immortals?

Remember what breaks of thy boon have been born?

Or describe how the dreams that go out at thy portals

Are true by the test of the amethyst morn,

Whilst the hopes that encumber

Our profitless slumber

Fare forth through the bonzoline exit—I should say the horn?

Shall I ask why it is that the sagest of mammals

Is toothed with such splendour, for woo or for weal,

As compared with giraffes or hyenas or camels

Or wombats? Why man, when he falls to a meal,

Can suffer no tusk-ache

From marmalade plus cake

To rival the infinite sorrows that Hathis may feel?

These things I might prate of and should do with pleasure

Except that they're far from the point of my song,

Which is aimed at a dental adornment, a treasure

Unheard of as yet by the ignorant throng,

But an ivory fairer,

More fleckless and rarer,

Than ever was looted by trader from elephant's prong.

For I care not for elephants, no, not a particle;

Sorrows they have, but they cause me no ruth;

And a fig for their tushes! I mentioned the article

Merely to lead you along to the truth,

To the fact of all wonder,

Our baby (no blunder—

You can not only feel, you can see it) has cut his first tooth.

Evoe.


Box and Cox.

"The doctors have stopped issuing bulletins regarding Sir Lionel Phillips whose condition continues to give satisfaction. He is able to lease his bed for a short time daily."—Natal Mercury.


"When Lord Kitchener arrived in Cairo very few people were aware that, travelling on the same train as his lordship, were a crocodile, two hyenas and two civet cats. These animals had been presented to Lord Kitchener when he was at Kosti."—Egyptian Gazette.

We wish we had had the luck to attend this levée.


THE STRONG MAN.

[A fragment of a diary, signed H.H.A., which may be picked up in Bouverie Street some day.]

Monday.—Although I continue to wear an enigmatic smile in public, I may confess to myself that the situation causes me anxiety. The Home Rule Bill was passed five days ago, and already there are signs of military activity in Ireland. Anthony thinks I ought to proclaim martial law. In the course of a short lecture at breakfast this morning he referred to the historic case of South Africa, and reminded me of the enthusiasm with which the Unionist Party greeted this stirring exhibition of the strong hand. Martial law, he says, supersedes all other law, and the deportation of any person whose presence is not desired becomes——At this point I had him deported to the nursery, for I desired to be alone. All the same I feel that there is a good deal in what he says, and I shall think it over to-night.

Tuesday.—Martial law proclaimed. I have decided to be The Strong Man of England. Force may be no remedy, but it is much esteemed by the Unionist Party, and I don't see why Winston should be the only popular member of the Cabinet.

Wednesday.—Excellent. Carson has been safely smuggled out of the country. He travelled from Belfast to Liverpool in a packing-case labelled "Oranges," and was then embarked in a whaler for Greenland. The ship, I understand, has no wireless installation and will not stop at any port on the way. As he had to leave Belfast rather hurriedly, without packing, I have lent him a spare suit of Wedgwood Benn's clothes. The authorities have orders to deal with the other leading members of the Ulster Provisional Government in the same way.

Thursday.—The Ulster leaders

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