PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOLUME 159.

October 20, 1920.

CHARIVARIA.

"Whenever I am in London," writes an American journalist, "I never miss the House of Commons." Nor do we, during the Recess.

"If Lord Kenyon wishes, I am prepared to fight him with any weapon he chooses to name at any time," announced Sir Claude Champion de Crespigny recently to a representative of The Star. In sporting circles it is thought that, in spite of his recent declaration, Mr. C. B. Cochran may consent to stage the encounter.

At the Air Conference last week Lieut.-Colonel Moore-Brabazon, M. P., said the Government should appoint experts to control the weather. It looks as if The Daily Mail was not going to have things all its own way.

"The object of Poland," says M. Dombski, "is peace, hard work and production." These were at one time the object of England, and she still hopes to get peace.

Mr. Pussyfoot Johnson has told a Glasgow audience that he is no kill-joy, but smokes cigars. It is also said that he has been seen going the pace playing dominoes.

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away." We can only add that the price of apples is enough to keep anybody away.

"What is a Penny Roll?" asks a headline. The answer is "Three half-pence."

The average boarding-house, says a gossip writer, is not what it seems. No, unfortunately it is what it is.

We understand that the world's record fast has been accomplished by a Scotsman, who has succeeded in remaining in Prohibition America for seven months and three days.

South Sea Islanders, when greeting friends, says Tit Bits, fling a jar of water over them. Cats on night duty are now putting a kindlier interpretation on the treatment they receive.

An employee at a coal-mine in Ohio is reported to have died from overwork. There is consolation in the fact that this could not possibly happen in England.

Three Glasgow workmen have started on a walk to London. With the possibility of a vote in favour of a dry Scotland we suppose they started early to avoid the rush.

It is still very doubtful whether Jack Dempsey can meet Jess Willard, says a sporting paper. A dear old lady thinks he might get over the difficulty by dropping him a letter.

It is reported that the captain of a village fire brigade recently declined to call his men out to a fire because it was raining. Unfortunately the owner of the fire was too busy to keep it going till the first fine day.

A clerk employed behind the counter at a post-office in the South of England recently rescued a young girl from drowning. In order to show their appreciation of the young man's bravery, local residents have now decided to purchase their stamps at his post-office.

"Life is uncertain and often full of trouble," bewails a writer in the "Picture" Press. Still, in our opinion it's the only thing worth living.

On two separate occasions last week a cat entered one of the largest churches in Yorkshire whilst a wedding was in progress. This supports our belief that feline society is contemplating the introduction of more ceremony into their own marriage system.

Ex-sailors on the reserve need not be alarmed by the repeated rumours that a surprise mobilisation of the Fleet may be ordered very shortly, as we now have it on good authority that, in order to ensure its complete success, plenty of notice will be given to them beforehand.

Women are said to be fonder than men are of morbid stage plays. Weddings also have a greater fascination for them.

Mr. T. A. Edison is reported to have invented a machine to record communication with the other world. As a final experiment an attempt is to be made to get into touch with the Poet Laureate.

The motor-car of polished steel and no paint-work is the latest innovation. It is said that this will do away with the objection of pedestrians that under present conditions one cannot be knocked down without soiling one's clothing.

"Water," says an official of the Metropolitan Water Board, "costs far too much to waste to-day." Adulterated with whisky, we believe it costs about eightpence a time.

DIPLOMACY.

Mistress. "Norah, will you try to have the steak a little more underdone?"

Norah (bristling up). "Is it finding fault ye are?"

Mistress. "Oh, no, no! I merely thought it would be nicer for you not to remain over the fire so long."

The Music of the Future.

For Sale, one small Economic Roller, 1 Brown's triple action Roller, 2 Eastern Produce Roll Breakers, 1 Updraft Sirocco Dryer—all the above in good order and can be seen working. 1 Saw Mill, good order. 1 Souter's roll Breaker, fair order."—

Ceylon Paper.

"Mr. —— won £400,000 at Aix-les-Bains. The lucky player, who was educated at Harrow...."—Daily Paper.

The italics are Mr. Punch's. Are our public schools beginning to advertise?

FALLING PRICES

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