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قراءة كتاب The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 3

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The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 3

The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 3

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دار النشر: Project Gutenberg
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encouragingly at the sick Mrs. P., and rubbed his hands, and says he: 'How do we find ourselves now, my dear madam? Are we about to die this pleasant morning?' She answered him feebly," says the Honest Abe, feelingly, "she answered him feebly, for she was very weak. She said that she feared she had not spent her life as she should, but trusted that the prayers she had breathed during her hours of pain would not be unanswered. 'Ah!' said she, 'I feel that I could suffer still more than I have suffered, for my Intercessor's sake!'

"The moment she uttered these last words," says the Honest Abe, "the moment she uttered these words, my friend Podger, who had been standing near the door, the very picture of misery, suddenly gave a start, brightened up with a look of intense joy, beckoned the clergyman to follow him into the kitchen, and fairly danced down stairs. In fact, the good minister found him dancing about the kitchen like one possessed, and says he:

"'Mr. Podger! Job Podger! I am shocked. What can you mean by such conduct?'

"My friend Podger caught him around the neck, and says he:

"'She's going to get well—she's going to get well! I knew she wouldn't go and leave her poor old silly Job in that way. Oh, an't I a happy old fool, though!'

"The clergyman stepped back in alarm, and says he:

"'Are you mad, sir? How do you know your wife will get well?'

"Poor Podger looked upon the parson with a face that fairly beamed, and says he: 'How do I knowit? Why, didn't you hear her yourself? She's commenced to call me names!'"

Here the Honest Abe smiled abstractedly out of the window, and says he:

"She did get well, too, and lived to suffer often again for Podger's sake: You see," says the Honest Abe, turning suddenly upon the political chap, as though he had not seen him before,—"you see, Mrs. Podger had been so much in the habit of suffering everything for my friend Podger's sake, that when she spoke of suffering even for the noblest cause, he naturally thought she was only calling names. And that's the way," says the Honest Abe, cheerfully, "that's the way with your Democratic Organization. It has been so long in the habit of sacrificing everything for the sake of the sunny South and Party, that when it talks of sacrificing both for the sake of the holy cause of Union, it seems to me as though it is only calling names!"

Immediately upon the termination of this wholesome domestic tale, the political chap sprang from his seat, smiled feebly at the ceiling for a minute, crammed his hat down over his eyes, and fled greatly demoralized.

The New Year, my boy, dawns blithely upon our distracted country as accurately predicted by the Tribune Almanac; and having given much deep thought to the matter, I am impressed with the conviction that the first of January is indeed the commencement of the year. There is something solemn in the idea; it is the period when our tailors send in their little bills, and when fresh thoughts of the negro race steal upon our minds. How many New Years have arrived only to find the unoffending American, of African descent, a hopeless bondman, toiling in hopeless servitude, and wearing coarse underclothing! Occasionally, my boy, he would wear a large seal ring, but it was always brass; and now and then he would exhibit a large breastpin, but it was always galvanized. When I see my fellow-men here wearing much jewelry, I think of the unoffending negro, and say to myself, "from the same shop, by all that's bogus!"

'Twas on New-Year's Eve that I took prominent part in a great literary entertainment at the tent of Captain Villiam Brown, near the shore of Duck Lake; and responded to universal mackerel desire by sweetly singing an historical Southern

ROMAUNT.

I.

'Tis of a rich planter in Dixie I tell,

Who had for his daughter a pretty dam-sel;

Her name it was Linda De Pendleton Coates,

And large was her fortune in treasury notes.

Chorus.—Concisely setting forth the exact value of those happy treasury notes:

The treasury note of the Dixian knight

Possesses a value that ne'er comes to light,—

Except when the holder, too literal far,

May bring it to light as he lights his segar.

II.

Miss Linda's boudoir was a sight to behold:

A Northern man's breast-bone a shelf did uphold;

Of dried Yankee ribs all her boxes were full;

Her powder she kept in a Fire Zouave's skull.

Chorus.—Beautifully explaining Southern taste for Northern bones, and proving that an author's bones are sacred in the sight of Southern damsels:

Your soft Southern maidens (like nations at large,

Who take the dear bones of their authors in charge)

Are so literary, they'd far rather scan

A Norther's dead bones than the best living man.

III.

She played the piano; embroidered also,

And worked worsted poodles and trees in a row;

Made knitting-work slippers that no one could wear,

And plastered pomatum all over her hair.

Chorus.—Satisfactorily revealing to the curious fair sex why she used pomatum when Bandoline was in fashion:

Though Bandoline surely excels all pomade,

The Southern supply couldn't run the blockade;

At first it didbring an exorbitant sum,

And then contrabandoline straight did become.

IV.

As Linda was practising "Norma," one day,

Her father came in in his usual way;

And having first spat on the carpeted floor,

Went on to address her as never before:

Chorus.—Showing conclusively why this tender parent had never done so before:

On Southern plantations when money is flush

Paternal affection comes out with a gush:

But when, as in the war times, the cash is non est,

The Father is lost in the planter distressed.

V.

"My daughter, my Linda," he tenderly said,

"Your mother for several years has been dead;

But not until now could I muster the strength

To tell you what all must have found out at length."

Chorus.—Casually demonstrating how it must really have been found out at length:

The Dixian feminines, true to their sex,

To each other's precedents pay their respects;

And if there's a secret in any girl's life,

They're bound to disclose it before she's a wife.

VI.

"That you are my child, it were vain to deny;

But who was your mother? There, darling, don't cry.

The truth must be told, though it harrows me sore,

Your ma was an Octoroon slave,—nothing more."

Chorus.—Analytical of morals in the sunny South, and touchingly illustrative of the Institution affected by the Emancipation Proclamation:

Your slave

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