Punch,

or the London Charivari

Volume 158, Jan-Jul 1920

June 16, 1920

CHARIVARIA.

"The Bolshevists," says a gossip writer, "do not always rob Peter to pay Paul." No, they sometimes just rob Peter.

A Yarmouth report anticipates a shortage of herrings. It is said that the Prime Minister has a couple of second-hand red ones for disposal which have only been drawn across the path once or twice.

"One of the Kaiser's mugs," says a news item, "has just been sold in New York for forty pounds." We have suspected for some time that he was a double-faced fellow.

"There should be no temptations to crime in so beautiful a spot," said Mr. Justice Coleridge when presented with white gloves at the Anglesey assizes. The sentiment is thought to be as old as Adam.

"If it is necessary to strengthen the hands of the military in Ireland," said Mr. Lloyd George, "the Government will certainly do so." Our own view is that they should be protected even if it means sending the Reserve of Special Constables to do it.

According to the Ministry of Transport, there is only one motor-car to every one hundred and twenty people in Great Britain. The necessity of fixing a maximum bag of pedestrians per car does not therefore arise.

A purple-eyed fish, eleven feet long, with a horn on its nose and no teeth, has been caught at San Diego, California. That is the sort of thing that makes Prohibition a secondary issue.

As the result of some remarks let drop by the crew and repeated by the ship's parrot, several hundred bottles of liquor were found on board the S.S. Curaçao by the San Francisco port authorities. It is now suggested, in the interests of philology, that the parrot should be put back to hear how the crew takes it.

A young man while fishing on the Wye landed a wallet containing twenty-two one-pound Treasury notes. A correspondent writing from North of the Tweed inquires what bait the fellow was using.

The Postmaster-General points out that five hundred new telephones are to be erected in rural districts. Local residents should at least be grateful for this little friendly warning.

It is reported that M. Krassin told the Premier all about Russia. Mr. Lloyd George was very interested, as he had often heard of the place.

With the letter postage at twopence, we read, it is in many cases just as cheap to telephone. And in some cases just as quick.

"Will Wilde meet Beckett?" asks a headline. We can only say that we do not intend to stand in their way.

General von Kluck has been telling somebody that he lost the battle of the Marne by a fluke. As we can't have the War over again we must let the matter remain at that.

According to an evening paper a temperance speaker fainted during a procession in a Kentish town, and was immediately carried into a shop and brought round by whisky. The report that on being informed of this fact he again went off into a faint is happily without foundation.

A man aged seventy-six was charged last week with threatening to shoot a West-End family of six. It is said that his parents intend to plead the baneful influence of the cinema.

The fact that at least seven people have expressed their intention of swimming the English Channel this year draws attention once more to the lack of accommodation on our cross-Channel steamers.

A wheelbarrow has been presented to the parishioners of Hornchurch, Essex. We have maintained all along that the motor-car craze would wear itself out in time.

On April the 21st the Maharajah of Bikanir shot his hundredth tiger. All efforts to induce him to join the R.I.C. have so far failed.

The case is reported of a hen which lays an egg each morning on her master's bed and then pecks his cheek to wake him up at the proper time for breakfast. Guess where this happens. America? Right.

We understand that in view of the paper shortage the West Drayton man who managed to get through on the telephone last week has abandoned the idea of writing a book about it.

Much annoyance is said to have been caused to one bricklayer last week. It seems that just before the dinner hour somebody kicked away the brick he had laid and the unfortunate fellow had to start the day all over again.

According to The Manila Bulletin the cost of living is going to fall. Not on us, we trust.

'Arry. "They're talkin' abaht doin' Greek plays an' pageants an' all sorts o' loopy stunts at 'Ampstead on Bank 'Olidays."

'Arriet. "Lumme! It'll git the place a bad name."

The Hire Education.

"Required, an Assistant Teacher (Lady), with option of purchase."—Australian Paper.

"Ex-Soldier's Tale.

Note to War Prisoner Hidden in Cheese."

National News.

We should like to hear more of the prisoner and his novel hiding-place.

MAY-WEEK.

[Addressed affectionately to the author of "May-Week Then and Now" in The Times of last Wednesday.]