href="@public@vhost@g@gutenberg@html@files@32898@[email protected]#CHAPTER_IV" class="pginternal" tag="{http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml}a">Historical Conundrums30

CHAPTER I
Early English Wit

In the anecdotes, dry remarks, repartees, and posers of this chapter, the sayings of which were current from about 1600 on to the present day, is seen the growth of the modern form of conundrum, which is adhered to largely in the remaining chapters of this book.

A poet was asked where his wits were. "A-wool-gathering," he answered. "No people have more need of it," was the reply.

A good client is like a study gown, which sits in the cold himself to keep his lawyer warm.

"Why do lawyers' clerks write such wide lines?" "It is done to keep the peace. For if the plaintiff should be in one line and the defendant in the next, with the lines too near together, they might perhaps fall together by the ears."

A master spoke in a strain which his servant did not understand. The servant thereupon asked that his master might rather give him blows than such hard words.

What great scholar is this same Finis, because his name is to almost every book?[2]

A prodigal is like a brush that spends itself to make others go handsome in their clothes.

An antiquary loves everything for being moldy and worm-eaten,—as Dutchmen do cheese.

It was said that a player had "an idle employment of it." "You are mistaken," was the reply, "for his whole life is nothing else but action."

A simple fellow in gay clothes was likened to a cinnamon tree,—because the bark was of more worth than the body.

One asked a favor of a prisoner, saying that he had hitherto found him a fast friend, and hoped he should find him so still.

A scholar who was much given to going abroad, was advised that he put away his cushion, as he would then "sit harder to his study."

It was remarked that "poetry and plain dealing were a couple of handsome wenches." It was replied that "he who weds himself to either of them shall die a beggar."

Why are women so crooked and perverse in their conditions? Because the first woman was made of a crooked thing.

One was advised to marry a little woman, because "of evils the least was to be chosen."

A rich lawyer, whose fortune had been made by the practice of his profession, desired to bequeath a certain sum to the insane asylum of Bedlam. Being questioned why, he replied that he had got his money of mad men, and he would give it to them again.

The trade of tooth drawer is a conscienceless one, because it is "nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man gets his living."

"A vainglorious man" was bragging that his father and uncle had founded a certain hospital. One answered, "'Tis true, but yet know that your father and your uncle were the mere confounders (co-founders) of that hospital you speak of."

It was said that corn was a quarrelsome creature, because it rose by the blade, and fell by the ears with those that cut it.

A tailor was commended for his dexterity, whereupon it was remarked that tailors had their business at their fingers' ends.

Colliers and mine-workers, it was said, should be well acquainted with all the philosophical secrets of the earth, because they had a deeper knowledge of it than any others.

"Of all knaves there's the greatest hope of a cobbler, for though he be never so idle a fellow, yet he is still mending."

"A smith," said one, "is the most pragmatical fellow under the sun, for he hath always many irons in the fire."

The proverb, "Wit bought is better than wit taught," had added to it the comment, "because he that never bought any is but a natural wit," embodying the play on the word "natural," the early name for "fool."

Tall men are the most happy, because they are nearer heaven than other men. They should also be great politicians, because they have extraordinary reach.

Of all soldiers musketeers are the most lazy, for they are always at rest.

It is necessary that some rich men be dunces, because pretenders to learning may get preferment, and good wits will be able to help themselves.

Carpenters are the most civil men because they never do their business without a rule.

A hangman is the most trusty of friends, for, if he once have to do with a man, he will see him hanged before he shall want money or anything else.

Physicians have the best of it. If they do well, the world proclaims it; if ill, the earth covers it.

A man and his wife were fighting. One was asked why he did not part them, and replied, that he "had been better bred than to part man and wife."

Tobacconists (users of tobacco) would endure war well, for they would never be stifled with fire and smoke.

Fiddlers are very unfortunate in their calling, for they never do anything but it is against the hair (fiddlestring).

Smiths are the most irregular of handicrafts men, because they never think that they are better employed than when they are addicted to their vices.

It is no great matter what a drunkard says in his drink, for he never says anything that he can stand to.

"Horse-keepers and ostlers (let the world go which way it will, though there be never so much alteration in times and persons) are still stable men."

A hypocrite is odious to God, to man, and to the devil. God hates him, because he is not what he seems; man hates him, because he seems what he is not; and the devil hates him, because he seems not what he truly is.