قراءة كتاب Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories
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FELICITOUS QUOTATION
"Oh, Robert, the grouse has been kept too long! I wonder you can eat it!"
"My dear, 'we needs must love the highest when we see it.'"
(Guinevere.)
Little Boreham (relating his Alpine adventures). "There I stood, the terrible abyss yawning at my feet——" That Brute Brown. "Was it yawning when you got there, or did it start after you arrived?"
At a dinner given by my Lord Broadacres to some of his tenants, curaçoa is handed in a liqueur-glass to old Turnitops, who, swallowing it with much relish, says—"Oi zay, young man! Oi'll tak zum o' that in a moog!"
PRICE FOR AGE
Mr. Green. "You needn't be afraid of that glass of wine, uncle. It's thirty-four port, you know."
Uncle. "Thirty-four port!—Thirty-four fiddlesticks! It's no more thirty-four port than you are!"
Mr. Green. "It is I can assure you! Indeed, it's really thirty-six; and thirty-four if you return the bottles!"
FLUNKEIANA
Master. "Thompson, I believe that I have repeatedly expressed an objection to being served with stale bread at dinner. How is it my wishes have not been attended to?"
Thompson. "Well, sir, I reely don't know what is to be done! It won't do to waste it, and we can't eat it downstairs!"
CONCLUSIVE
Scene—Hibernian Table d'hôte
Guest. "Waiter! I say—this is pork! I want mutton!"
Waiter (rather bustled). "Yes, sorr, it's mutton ye want—but it's pork ye'll have!"
RAMBLING RONDEAUX
At table d'hôte, I quite decline
To sit there and attempt to dine!
Of course you never dine, but "feed,"
And gobble up with fearsome greed
A hurried meal you can't define.
The room is close, and, I opine,
I should not like the food or wine;
While all the guests are dull indeed
At table d'hôte!
The clatter and the heat combine
One's appetite to undermine.
When noisy waiters take no heed,
But change the plates at railway speed—
I feel compelled to "draw my line"
At table d'hôte!
Sufficient Excuse
Jones (to Brown). I say, old fellow, I saw you last night, after that dinner. Your legs were uncommonly unsteady.
Brown. No, dear boy; legs were right enough. It was my trousers that were so "tight."
Cruel!—Lucullus Brown (on hospitable purpose intent). "Are you dining anywhere to-morrow night?" Jones (not liking to absolutely "give himself away"). "Let me see"—(considers)—"No; I'm not dining anywhere to-morrow." Lucullus Brown (seeing through the artifice). "Um! Poor chap! How hungry you will be!" ["Exeunt,—severally."
CANDID!
Simultaneously
Host (smacking his lips). "Now, what do you say to that glass of she——"
Guest. "My dear fellow, where did you get this abominable Marsala?"
Guests to be Avoided
"Hullo, old man! How is it you're dining at the club? Thought your wife told me she had the Browns and Smiths to dinner this evening?"
"No—that was yesterday. This evening she has the odds and ends."
Sectarian
"Hullo, John! What a jolly dish! Potatoes, greens, carrots, beans! Who's it for?"
"Mr. Binks, sir."
"Is Mr. Binks a vegetarian?"
"Oh no, sir! I believe he's Church of England!"
"TO PUT IT BROADLY"
Improvised Butler (to distinguished guest). "Will ye take anny more drink, sor?"
First Customer. "Waiter, a fried sole."
Second
