Customer. "Bring me a fried sole, too, waiter—and mind it is fresh."

Waiter. "Two fried soles—one fresh!"

After Many Years!—Country Parson (to distinguished Peer, who has been making THE speech of the evening). "How d'ye do, my lord? I see you don't quite remember me." Distinguished Peer. "Well—er—not altogether." C. P. "We were members of the same club at Oxford." D. P. (with awakening interest). "Oh—ah! Let me see—which club was that?" C. P. "The—er—Toilet Club, you know!"

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

She. "We expected you to dinner last night, Herr Professor. We waited half an hour for you. I hope it was not illness that prevented you from coming?"

He. "Ach, no! I vas not hongry!"

A DILEMMA

Nervous Gentleman (to two sisters). "I've got to take one of you in to dinner. A—a—let me see—a—which is the elder?"

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

Jones (to hostess, famous for her dinners). "Oh, by the way, Mrs. Hodgkinson, if you should happen to want a really good cook, I know of one who would suit you to a T!"

THE RULING PASSION STRONG AT DINNER

Laconic Waiter (thoroughly familiar with sporting Major's taste in champagne). "Seventy-four, sir?"

Sporting Major (down on his luck, after a bad week at Newmarket). "Seven-to-four, sir! Dash it! wouldn't take ten to one about anything!"

CAUSE AND EFFECT

Host (to coachman, who is turned on as butler on grand occasions). "I want you to see that all my guests enjoy themselves, Coggledab. Don't let them have to ask for anything. Be particularly attentive to my dear aunt, Mrs. Dumbledock!"

Coggledab (in a stage-whisper, during a lull in the conversation, to Mrs. Dumbledock, who has recently joined the Blue Ribbon Army.) "'Ollands, whiskey, or cog-nack, mum? You can't be enjy-in' of yourself. You're not drinkin'!"

[Mrs. Dumbledock alters her will the next day

A LITTLE DINNER OF THE FUTURE

According to the Daily Chronicle, "an American professor is looking forward to the time when cooking and dining shall become lost arts, and we shall take our sustenance in the form of tablets of concentrated things." Our esteemed contemporary appears to think that such a system would necessarily do away with all conviviality and social intercourse; but, unless Mr. Punch's clairvoyant is liable to error (which is absurd), we need not take quite so gloomy a view of the future. People will still entertain, only the dinner of the next century will be a more economical and less tedious function, and, instead of having to go through a trying interview with her cook, the coming hostess will merely look in at the nearest food chemist's, when some such conversation as the following will settle the whole business.

Hostess. We've some people coming in to take a few tablets with us this evening; what do you think I'd better have?

The Food Chemist. You will require soup, of course, madam. I could send you one of these patent soup-sprinklers, exceedingly simple to work, and quite the fashion in the highest circles: the butler sprays each guest before showing them upstairs. We supply the machine, charged with the very best soup, at ninepence a night.

Hostess. No, I don't want anything fussy, it's quite an informal little gathering. An ounce of those mock-turtle jujubes at fourpence I had last time will do very well.

The F. C. Very good, madam. Then, with regard to fish? I can strongly recommend these bi-carbonate of cod and oyster sauce lozenges, or I have some sulphate of salmon and cucumber pastilles, that I think you would like, ninepence the quarter-of-a-pound.

Hostess. I'm afraid I mustn't be extravagant. I'll take a small bottle of condensed smelt tabloids (the sixpenny size), and what are left will come in nicely for the children's dinner next day.

The F. C. Precisely so, madam. And as to entrées—will you have cockscomb cachous or sweetbread pilules?

Hostess. It makes such a long dinner. I don't want a lot of things.

The F. C. In that case, madam, I think I have the very article—a most elegant electro-chemical preparation, combining entrée, joint, and bird, with just a trace of vegetable matter, put up in small capsules, at one and elevenpence halfpenny the box of one dozen.

Hostess. That would be cheaper than having each course in separate tablets, wouldn't it? I think I'll try a box. What wonderful improvements they bring out nowadays, to be sure!

The F. C. They do indeed, madam. I am told that the Concentrated Food Stores will shortly be able to place on the market a series of graduated wafers, each containing a complete dinner, from a City banquet to a cutlet, at prices to correspond with the number of courses required.

Hostess. Delightful! And then the most expensive dinners will be all over in a minute, instead of dragging on to ten minutes or a quarter of an hour,