"Half third return to Brixton, please."

"Half! What's your age?"

"I'm thirteen at home; but I'm only nine and a half on railways."

Friend (to minor rail official at provincial station) "'Ullo Cocky, where 'ave you been all this time?"

Minor R.O. (with dignity). "Oh I had to go up on duty for the Naval Review at Spit'ead, I 'ad."

Friend (impressed). "Ah! Fine sight I expect it wur?"

Minor R.O. "Well, I can't say as I saw much of it. I war taking the tickets at Vaux'all!"

AN EXCITING TIME

Poor Jones is convinced that his worst fears are at last realised, and he is left alone with a dangerous lunatic!! (It was only little Wobbles running anxiously over the points of his coming speech to the electors of Plumpwell-on-Tyme!!)

A TRAGEDY ON THE GREAT NORTHERN

Scene—A third-class carriage. Time—Three hours before the next station. Dramatis Personæ—Jones and Robinson.

"It's the last!—and it's a Tändstickor. It'll only strike on the box!"

"Strike it on the box, then;—but for Heaven's sake, be careful!"

"Yes; but, like a fool, I've just pitched the box out of window!"

"WHAT'S SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE," &c.

Passenger (in second class). "I think I've got into the wrong carriage."

Ticket Inspector (sternly). "The difference must be paid!"

Passenger (triumphantly). "Oh, just so! Then I'll trouble you for three shillings—I've a first-class ticket!"

A REMINDER

Old Lady. "Now, porter, you're quite sure you've put all my luggage in?—the big portmantle and——"

Porter. "All right, mum."

Old Lady. "And you're certain I've not left anything behind——"

Porter. "No, mum, not even a copper!"

NOTES OF TRAVEL

John Bull (of the World in general). "There is nothing to be alarmed at. Surely your American trains go much faster than this?"

Jonathan (from the West in particular). "Why, yaas. But 'tain't that. I'm afeard it'll run off your darned little island!"

Impatient Traveller. "Er—how long will the next train be, portah?"

Porter. "Heaw long? Weel, sir ah dunno heaw ah con saay to hauf an inch. Happen there'll be fower or five co-aches an' a engine or soa."

THE LEVEL CROSSING

"Are there no more trains this evening on the up line, porter?"

"No, mum."

"And no more trains on the down line?"

"No, mum."

"Is there no special train?"

"No, mum."

"Nor an excursion train?"

"No, mum. The gates are to for the rest of the evening."

"You're quite sure?"

"Yes, mum."

"Then come, Amelia. We can cross the line!"

Old Maid. "Is this a smoking compartment, young man?"

Obliging Passenger. "No, mum. 'Igher up!"