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قراءة كتاب Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 105, July 8th 1893
تنويه: تعرض هنا نبذة من اول ١٠ صفحات فقط من الكتاب الالكتروني، لقراءة الكتاب كاملا اضغط على الزر “اشتر الآن"
Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 105, July 8th 1893
A. Oh no; for exercise is absolutely a necessity.
Q. Is riding permissible?
A. Not when the wood pavement produces the new sore throat.
Q. Should we eat?
A. No; for everything is adulterated.
Q. Should we drink?
A. No; liquor is injurious.
Q. Should we starve?
A. No; meals are really needful.
Q. Is it safe to stay at home?
A. No; because change of air is most beneficial to everyone.
Q. Is it advisable to go abroad?
A. Not at all; many epidemics are reported to be rife everywhere on the other side of the channel.
Q. Is it good to live?
A. Scarcely; because illness is worse than death.
Q. Is it good to die?
A. Probably; everything else is a failure, so no doubt this, too, is a grand mistake.
TO CRICKETERS.
"OUT! FIRST BALL! A CATCH!!"
UNDER THE ROOSE.
Rondel by a Restored One.
(Some way after a Swinburnian Model.)
Under the Roose! Decay seemed slow but sure,
The golden chord Mors, lingering, aimed to loose;
But kindness, care, and skill work wondrous cure,
Under the Roose!
The patient probably had played the goose,
Liverish, listless, yielding to the lure
Of overstrain, caught in neglect's sly noose.
But symptoms pass if patience but endure,
And Robson's regimen brooks no excuse.
Nerves get re-strung, the brisk blood pulses pure,
Under the Roose!
Old Proverb Verified.—"Miss Verne, whose renown as a pianist is rapidly increasing, has hitherto been known to concert-goers as Miss Mathilde Wurm." So at last "the Wurm has turned," and become Miss Verne!
What our Evening Papers are coming to (suggested by the newest thing in Pink and Green).—Penny plain, and halfpenny coloured!
1893; OR, THE GOVERNMENT GUILLOTINE.
["Here comes a light to light us to bed,
And a chopper to cut off the last—last—last
Amendment's head!"
Old Nursery Rhyme "amended."]
There once was a Government good—
(All Governments are, so they tell us!)—
Who found themselves deep "in the wood,"
And a little bit blown in the "bellows."
Their foes, who were many and mean,
Persistently hunted and harried 'em.
Their time they to spend meant
On bogus "Amendment;"
They moved such by hundreds—and all to befriend meant—
Jawed round 'em, and—now and then—carried 'em!
Singing fol-de-rol-lol-de-rol-lol!
That Government upped and it said—
"We seem to be getting no forrader.
It's time to go 'full steam ahead!'
Bella horrida couldn't be horrider,
So let's declare 'war to the knife!'
Dr. Guillotin's knife, sharp and summary,
We must put a stopper
On Unionist 'whopper,'
Or else the best Government must come a cropper
Along of their falsehood and flummery!"
Singing fol-de-rol-lol-de-rol-lol!
"Doctor Guillotin claimed that his blade
Was 'a punishment sure, quick, and uniform,'
So when sham 'Amendment' has laid
On the table its paltry and puny form,
We'll just give it time to turn round,
And if it's prolix or cantankerous,
To the block be it led
And then—off with its head!"—
Well, for summary shrift there is much to be said,
When the criminal's rowdy and rancorous.
Singing fol-de-rol-lol-de-rol-lol!
SUB JUDICE.
(An entirely Imaginary Report of an utterly Impossible Case.)
The Mustard Mystery. 120th Day.
To-day the prisoner in this matter was once again brought before the magistrates on the charge already stated. The same counsel were present for the prosecution and the defence that had put in an appearance yesterday. The court was densely crowded.
Benjamin Brown deposed that he had often slammed a door. He knew the sound of the slamming of a door, and thought he could distinguish it from the noise of an earthquake. On cross examination he admitted that he had not slammed a door, and had never been present at an earthquake. On re-examination he said that although he had not been present at an earthquake he was conversant with its characteristics.
John Jones deposed that he had once seen a man who might have been the prisoner. It was sixteen years ago. The man to whom he referred was talking to a female. On cross-examination he admitted that, so far as he knew to the contrary, the man may have been addressing his grandmother. On re-examination he did not know that the female was a grandmother—she might have been a grand aunt.
Richard Robertson deposed that he had seen a pair of slippers. They might have been the slippers of the prisoner. He saw one of those slippers thrown with considerable force at a water-butt. He had examined the water-butt, and there was a mark on it. On cross-examination he admitted that he did not know how the mark on the water-butt had been made. It might have been by a boot, and not a slipper. He did not know to whom the slippers belonged. They might have been the property of the prisoner. He was not sure that he had seen the slippers in the presence of the prisoner. In fact, he was not sure he had ever seen the prisoner before. He was also doubtful about the identity of the slippers. However, on re-examination, he was sure he had seen some slippers, and also a water-butt.
After some further evidence, the inquiry was adjourned until to-morrow.
FASHION.
"Oh, Mummy, have you been Vaccinated on both Arms?"
THE THREE GEORGES.
The following two letters have reached Mr.