THE AWFUL AUSTRALIAN

The
Awful Australian

VALERIE DESMOND

Commonwealth of Australia:
E.W. COLE. Book Arcade, Melbourne
46 George Street, Sydney 67 Rundle Street, Adelaide

The Only Edition Printed in Australia

E.W. COLE has been appointed Sole Distributor of A.H. Massina & Co.'s

Complete Copyright Edition of
Gordon's Poems

THEY ARE NOW ISSUED IN TWO STYLES—

1. Crown 8vo. (size 7½ in. × 5½ in.), large type, with "Roll of the Kettledrum," illustrated, and Preface by Marcus Clarke

CLOTH Binding, 3/6; also extra gilt cover, gilt edges, 5/-

2. Pocket Edition (size 5½ in. × 4½ in.)

CLOTH Cover, 2/6.

FOREWORD.

There has been so much adulation lately of Australia, Australian institutions, and the Australian people by writers with axes to grind and English politicians with party ends to serve that the people of the Commonwealth have come to believe that they are the salt of the earth, and that their country is the earth. Personally, I am impatient of such credulity, and I think it is time somebody called upon the self-satisfied Australians to show cause why a little more humility and a little less arrogance were not more seemly. With a view to restoring an apparently lost sense of proportion to the press and public of the country, I have written the following pages. If in telling the truth I shame the Australian this book will achieve its object. Should a howl of indignation be provoked, then will the condition of affairs be proved worse than my pen has power to depict, and nothing will be left but to declare Australia past redemption. This is the case for the prosecution.

VALERIE DESMOND.

Sydney, July 15, 1911.

FIGURES AND FACTS.

By John Scott.

1. How to Become Quick at Figures, comprising the Shortest, Quickest, and Best Methods of Business Calculations. By John Scott. 2/6, postage 2d.

2. How to Kill Time, Catches, Tricks, Comicalities, Puzzles, etc., etc. 1/-, postage 1d.

3. How to Play Games, Cards, Dice, Racing, Lotteries, Dictionary of Gambling, Curious Wagers, How to Make a Book, etc., etc. 1/-, postage, 1d.

4. The Puzzle King, Amusing Arithmetic, Bookkeeping Blunders, Commercial Comicalities, Catches, Problems, Tricks, etc.; 2/6, postage 2d.

CONTENTS

• CHAPTERPAGE
• 1. —Australian Politics  11
  2. —The Australian Accent  15
  3. —Australian Manners  22
  4. —Miss Australia  27
  5. —Australia for The Australians  38
  6. —The Australian in Society  44
  7. —The Australian at Shirk  51
  8. —The Listless Policeman  56
  9. —The Australian's Parasitical Tendencies  58
  10. —The Australian's Lack of Patriotism  62
  11. —Club Life in Australia  66
  12. —The Australian on the Land  70
  13. —The Australian Titled Person  76
  14. —The Australian at the Breakfast Table  80
  15. —The Australian Poets  83
  16. —The C.Y.A.  90

Chapter I.
AUSTRALIAN POLITICS.

This strange, topsy-turvey country, not content with having fruit with stones on the outside, has made the unique experiment of handing over its government to its peasantry! Other lands have at times fallen under the sway of the hoi-polloi, but this has always been temporary, and the result of some