peerage and send round somebody
Who is, as one might say, fit for the job.
There is always Salisbury,
There is always Arthur James,
There is always George,
And there is always Broddy:
These men, my dear Joseph, are gentlemen,
And have known the Court all their lives.
What they do on Sundays I neither know nor care
But I have no doubt that, if you told them to go round and see the King,
They would go hotfoot and see him.
So that you have no excuse, Joseph.
Birmingham will, no doubt, forgive you this once:
As for me, I solemnly swear that I never will.

TO THE TSAR

(After Dunkirk)

My dear Tsar,—
I am owing you
The usual apologies.
I did not come to Dunkirk,
I did not come to Dunkirk,
I did not come to Dunkirk;
I was billed as usual,
But at the last moment
I did not come.
So that it was in vain, my dear Tsar,
That you and your Imperial spouse
(To whom I offer my very humble duty),
It was in vain
That you and your Imperial spouse
(To whom I again offer my very humble duty)
Searched the poop of La Marguerite
With your Imperial binoculars;
I was not there,
I was not there,
(O pregnant phrase!)
I was not there;
I was not on the poop,
I was not on the poop,
I was not on the poop,
I was not even abaft the binnacle,
In fine, I was not there at all.
And why?
Ah, ingrate that I am,
Why? O why?
The North Sea or German Ocean, my dear Tsar,
No doubt hath its pearls,
It also hath other things,
As, for example, a Dover-Ostend route.
I went on that route
On Saturday last;
It is a nice route,
I give you my word for it;
But the North Sea or German Ocean
Also has
An Ostend-Dover route,
On which route I went
On Sunday evening
And part of Monday morning last.
Five hours, my dear Tsar,
Had I of that Ostend-Dover route;
And I am now at a place called Thame
In Oxfordshire,
Recruiting—
Though I promised a man at Bruges,
And another man at Ypres,
That I would infallibly see him
At Dunkirk.
The Loubets are, of course,
Bitterly disappointed,
But you can explain for me,
Can you not, my dear Tsar?
You understand,
Do you not?
The North Sea or German Ocean
Fatigued you,
Did it not?
That is precisely what it did to me.
Fatigue is a good word.
I thank thee, Tsar, for that beautiful word fatigue.
All day Monday I felt so fatigued
That I went and joined a Peace Society.
The Boer war, my dear Tsar,
Is entirely over,
So far as I am concerned;
Henceforth I quarrel with no man.
Fatigue has laid its heavy hand upon me;
I am too much fatigued to quarrel even with the partner of my joys and sorrows.
Peace, perfect peace,
Is what I require,
And what I mean having.
Time writes no wrinkles on the Ostend-Dover route.
But you should see the people who have been that way.
Thame, in Oxfordshire,
Pitches beneath my feet
When I think of it.

TO DAN LENO

Dear Mr. Leno,
It is now many happy weeks
Since I had the pleasure of addressing you.
On the last occasion, you will remember,
You were fresh from Sandringham,
With a medal and sundry excellent stories
As to the manner in which you had been received
By His Majesty the King
And the Members of the Royal Family.
"To see them laugh," you told us, "was a treat."
Since then you have gone about
With a diamond "E" in your cravat,
And "The King's Jester" written all over you
As I have already stated,
I do not doubt for a moment
That the King really did laugh
At Mr. Leno.
I have laughed at him
(That is to say, at Mr. Leno) myself,
And I know what it is;
But to-day, Mr. Leno,
To-day being the 1st of April,
It is my turn to laugh,
And I do so with a right good will,
For to-day, Mr. Leno,
Your cup appears to be full,
Inasmuch as for this day only
You are actually editing a paper!
Now when a man takes to editing papers
All is over with him:
The next step is
Into the unutterable dark.
I have read your paper, Mr. Leno,
And I find that on the whole
It has been remarkably well edited:
That is to say, you as Editor
And your big co-editor,
Mr. Campbell of that ilk,
Have had the good sense
To edit the paper
In the only way in which an editor
Should edit a paper,
Namely, by leaving it to itself
As much as possible.
If all editors would have the sense
To take this wise course,
Contributors and subordinates, generally,
Would, to say the least of it,
Have a fairly happy life.
It seems in a way a pity, Mr. Leno,
That you should waste yourself
Upon an evening paper,
When there are so many morning papers
Requiring Editors:
The Daily Chronicle, for example,
Would have offered you a fair field
For the exercise of your extraordinary abilities;
Even the Times might, for once in a way,
Have added lustre to itself
By taking on
Your joyous and winning lucubrations;
Then there is Punch,
Which journal, I understand,
Is always (and still) on the look-out
For that humour
Which somehow never comes its way.
But there, Mr. Leno,
You have missed your chance,
And possibly it will not come round again.
As you are young in journalism,
Let me say three things to you:
Imprimis, never be an Editor,
It is better to be in the ballet;
Item, always be on either a morning paper or a weekly.
The all-day papers keep one too busy.
Item, if you are an editor only for a day,
Be sure to subscribe to the Newspaper Press Fund;
Otherwise, what will your widow do?

TO THE POET LAUREATE

My dear Poet Laureate,—
Do not, I implore you,
Be perturbed.
It is not my purpose to harp
Upon old strings,
Or to express the smallest satisfaction
Either with you as an official personage
Or with your verses as a production of an official personage;
I have called to-day, as it were,
For a little quiet talk:
You are a fellow-townsman of mine,
Consequently
I am a fellow-townsman of yours;
We ought to get on well together.
Between ourselves, my dear Poet Laureate,
It seems to me
That if you were to set about it
In the right way
You might, with very little trouble
Render a real service to the State
Being as you are
The only writer fellow
Who in his literary capacity
Is associated with the Court,
You have, if I may say so, chances and opportunities
Such as do not appear to have been vouchsafed
To any other contemporary worker in the department of Letters.
Our Gracious Sovereign Lord King Edward VII.
(I make no doubt)
Continually consults you on matters literary
"Dear Mr. Austen" (I can hear him saying),
"Would you now advise me to read
Mr. Newverse's Sonnets
And Miss Jumpabouti's new novel,
Or would you not?"
Of course, my dear Poet Laureate,
If you were one of those stiff ungenerous Poets Laureate
Who make it a rule to stick to business,
You would say very respectfully,
"Your Majesty honours me,
But I am not your Majesty's Book-Taster,
Being, as your Majesty is aware,
Paid only to wangle my harp
In celebration of Births, Deaths, and Marriages.
Therefore I must respectfully, civilly, humbly, and generally