"WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' THEM C'RECT GUIDES AT, OLE MAN? A SHILLIN'? NOT me!" "GO 'OME, DIRTY DICK!" 17 "FIGGERS 'ere, GEN'L'M'N!" 20 "PETS! DON'T YOU love THEM?" 27 "CAPTURED BY A DESULTORY ENTHUSIAST" 34 "HE EXPECTED THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE TO SEE" 42 "ER"—(CONSULTS SOME HIEROGLYPHICS ON HIS CUFF STEALTHILY) 46 "H'M; THAT MAY BE MITHRAS'S NOTION OF MAKING A CLEAN JOB OF IT, BUT IT AIN'T mine!" 51 "I SEZ AS THAT UN'S A FAWKS, AN' I'M READY TO PROVE IT ON ANNY MAN" 60 "THAT'S PLAY-ACTIN', THAT IS—AND I DON'T 'OLD WITH IT NO HOW!" 64 "GO IN, JIM! YOU GOT YER MARKIN'-PAPER READY ANYHOW" 71 "COME AN LOOK! ALAHA-BA-LI-BOO!" 74 "OW 'E SMOILED AT ME THROUGH THE BRORNCHES!" 81 FEMALE ARTISTE (SINGS REFRAIN) 86 "SHOW IT NOW, BY PUTTING MONEY IN THIS 'AT!" 102 "YOU AIN'T NO MORE 'OLD ON THAT SADDLE THAN A STAMP WITH THE GUM LICKED OFF!" 105 "Warm, SIR? I am WARM—AND SOMETHING MORE!" 119 "SNAY PAS FACILE QUAND VOUS AVEZ LES SKATES TOUTES SUR UN CÔTÉ—COMME moi!" 123 "GO IT, OLE FRANKY, MY SON!" 125 RECOGNISES WITH DISMAY A VIEW OF THE GRAND CANAL 134 THE SISTERS SILVERTWANG 137 "I AM ONLY A COWBOY" 143 "RUM THE SIGHTS THESE 'ERE SAVIDGES MAKE O' THEIRSELVES" 149 THE OWNER OF THE HAT DEIGNS NO REPLY 154

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VOCES POPULI

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An Evening with a Conjuror.

Scene—A Suburban Hall. The Performance has not yet begun. The Audience is limited and low-spirited, and may perhaps number—including the Attendants—eighteen. The only people in the front seats are a man in full evening dress, which he tries to conceal under a caped coat, and two Ladies in plush opera-cloaks. Fog is hanging about in the rafters, and the gas-stars sing a melancholy dirge. Each casual cough arouses dismal echoes. Enter an intending Spectator, who is conducted to a seat in the middle of an empty row. After removing his hat and coat, he suddenly thinks better—or worse—of it, puts them on again, and vanishes hurriedly.

First Sardonic Attendant (at doorway). Reg'lar turnin' em away to-night, we are!

Second Sardonic Attendant. He come up to me afore he goes to the pay-box, and sez he—"Is there a seat left?" he sez. And I sez to 'im, "Well, I think we can manage to squeeze you in somewhere." Like that, I sez.

[The Orchestra, consisting of two thin-armed little girls, with pigtails, enter, and perform a stumbling Overture upon a cracked piano. Herr Von Kamberwohl, the Conjuror, appears on platform, amidst loud clapping from two obvious Confederates in a back row.

Herr V. K. (in a mixed accent). Lyties and Shentilmans, pefoor I co-mence viz my hillusions zis hevenin' I 'ave most hemphadically to repoodiate hall assistance from hany spirrids or soopernatural beins vatsohever. All I shall 'ave ze honour of showing you will be perform by simple Sloight of