قراءة كتاب Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105 October 7, 1893
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Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105 October 7, 1893
account of the bombardment he and his family have been forced to reside in a distant greenhouse. The remainder of the consulate is razed to the ground. This being the President's birthday, the hall of the bureau has been crowded with infernal machines sent as presents. The loud ticking of the concealed machinery has caused several complaints to be made to the concierge. The President and his family have returned to the seaside. They are being hotly pursued by a large body of cavalry, infantry, and artillery. However, on the whole the outlook is brighter, and the trains and omnibuses have recommenced running.
Thursday.—The President has returned to the capital, as the lodgings he had taken at the seaside were discovered by the rebel fleet, and bombarded. The business of the session progresses slowly but surely. The Minister for War, with the assistance of the Militia, has secured the passing of the vote dealing with his department. He led the charge in person that carried the "Ayes" Division Lobby. If it were not for the constant bombardment of all the principal buildings, and the occasional slaughter of Members of Parliament, things would be almost normal. There is no doubt that the outlook is peaceful.
Friday..—Things still quieting down. Traffic in the main thoroughfares is suspended, because the roads are required for charges of cavalry, and the squares are now used for shell practice. The fleet have approached closer. This, of course, causes some additional damage; but as the populace can now hear the bands of the various ships during the pauses in the bombardment, the arrangement is rather popular than otherwise. The Government have apologised to the British Consul for having blown up his house and stables. The incident consequently is at an end. Several Members of the Cabinet have accepted the Consul's invitation to lunch.
Saturday..—The Revolution is practically at an end. The fleet are still bombarding the forts, and the military charge every ten minutes the populace. The Judges, too, find cause for annoyance in the constant invasion of the judicial bench by armed artisans. Most of the fashionable part of the city is in flames, but this is a detail. However, taking all things into consideration, peace and tranquillity may be said to be now restored. Of course they are not exactly the peace and tranquillity of Europe, but they are what people are accustomed to over here. Should anything of further importance transpire it shall be wired immediately; but to all appearance the insurrection is at an end.
HOW TO SPEND A PLEASANT EVENING!
["For the purposes of this production the orchestra has been enlarged, so that some of the instrumentalists have to sit among the audience in the stalls." Daily Paper.]
TO THE CONTESTANTS IN THE COAL WAR.
Oh, stint your rage, abate your rash insanity!
Fight not like fiends, as brother men agree;
And be "the sweet, sad music of humanity,"
Played in the miner key!
THE IDEAL CONVERSATION.
[Miss Emily Faithfull, in the Ladies' Pictorial, suggests that girls should always learn up some contribution to make to the family conversation at table.]
Miss Faithfull, let me send a line
Of most sincere congratulation
On your magnificent design
To raise the tone of conversation;
The plan you kindly recommend
Rejoices many a careful mother,
And, for the future, we intend,
As runs the phrase, "To use no other."
At breakfast-time we used to talk
On topics commonplace together,
Designed a picnic, planned a walk,
And even criticised the weather;
We gossiped in an idle way,
And made in turn our several guesses
About the age of Mrs. A.,
The price of Lady X.'s dresses.
But now, according to your scheme,
Each carefully-instructed maiden
Discourses on a worthy theme,
And comes with fact and figures laden;
To-day, for instance, Muriel gave
Some gems from Cicero's orations,
While Maud reviewed, in language grave,
The Lower Tertiary Formations.
And Kate—the mischief-making Kate
Who formerly would merely prattle—
Described, in accents most sedate,
The use of cavalry in battle.
In fact, by this most noble plan,
Which on your kind advice we're using,
Our conversation never can
Deserve your censure as amusing!
THE FOOL WITH A GUN.
(To the Tune of the "Temptation of St. Antony.")
There are many fools that worry this world,
Fools old, and fools who're young;
Fools with fortunes, and fools without,
Fools who dogmatise, fools who doubt,
Fools who snigger, and fools who shout,
Fools who never know what they're about,
And fools all cheek and tongue;
Fools who're gentlemen, fools who're cads,
Fools who're greybeards, and fools who're lads;
Fools with manias, fools with fads,
Fools with cameras, fools with tracts,
Fools who deny the stubbornest facts,
Fools in theories, fools in acts;
Fools who write Theosophist books,
Fools who believe in Mahatmas and spooks;
Fools who prophesy—races and Tophets—
Bigger fools who believe in prophets;
Fools who quarrel, and fools who quack;
In fact, there are all sorts of fools in the pack,
Fools fat, thin, short, and tall;
But of all sorts of fools, the Fool with a Gun
(Who points it at someone—of course, "in fun"—
And fools around till chance murder is done)
Is the worsest fool of them all!
"Being at Charges."—A subject for companion picture to the well-known "The Last Charge at Waterloo" would be "The Last Charge of the Archbishop of Canterbury." For ourselves, in preference to either the ecclesiastical or the military view of a charge, we like to hear the Lord Mayor's toast-master call out, "Gentlemen! Charge—your glasses!!"
UNDER THE ROSE.
(A Story in Scenes.)
Scene VI.—The Breakfast-room at Hornbeam Lodge.
Time—8.40 A.M. on Saturday morning. Mrs. Toovey is alone, making the tea.
Mrs. Toovey (to herself). I cannot think what has come to Theophilus. He has come down late for prayers every morning this week. Such a bad example for any household, and Cook is beginning to notice it—I could see it in her eye as she came in. He is so
