switchman running a train oph from the trak will be find 10 dollars, and interest on the fine at the rate of 4 per cent per annum untill the fine iz paid.

6. No konduktor iz invited tew remain on this road 10 minnits who hasn't heard ov the 10 commandments, espeshily the one which sez "thou shalt not spondulick thyself with the dimes ov another."

7. No charges made on this road for coroners' inquests.

HOW THEY DO TALK

ABOUT

FOR THE YEAR 1870.

"Giv me liberty, or giv me deth, but if i kant hav either, giv me Josh Billings' allminax for 1870."

"It kured mi wife ov wanting to die."

"It iz like peper sass in a hot day."

"The Billings Allminax will go father in a family than 12 dozen ov ginger popp."

"When i am sad and lonely, i fli tew its pages, like a bumblebee tew a full blown dandylion."

"It gave me grate presence ov mind."

"My wife brings up her ophspring, and duz all her plain sowing bi yure allminaxes."

"How cooling, and perforating it iz."

THE NATRAL HORNET

The hornet iz a red hot child ov natur, ov sudden impreshuns, and a sharp konklusion. The hornets alwus fites at short range, and never argy a case, they settle all ov their disputes bi letting their javelin fly, and are az certain, and az anxious tew hit, az a mule iz. Hornets bild their nest whereever they take a noshun to, and seldum are asked to move, for what would it profit a man tew murder 99 hornets, and have the one hundred one hit him with hiz javelin. I kan't tell you jist tew a day how long a hornet kan live, but I kno from experience, that every bug, be he hornet or sumboddy else, who iz mad all the time, and stings every good chance he kan git, generally outlives all ov his nabors.

DOMESTIK RECEIPTS.

To make good ginger-snaps, take one pound of ginger, stir in a half dozen ov lively snaps, do them to a brown, and then lock them up, or the yung ones will hook them.

To learn a dog tew follow well, tie him tew the hind end ov an express train.

To find out whether a man has got a good moral karakter or not, ask him pleasantly.

To cure herring,—use Godfrey's Kordial.

THE PROMISCUSS COCKROACH.

The Cockroach iz a bug at large. He iz one ov the luxurys ov civilizashun. The Cockroach iz born on the fust ov May, and the fust ov November semi-annually, and iz reddy for use in fifteen days from date. They are born four from each egg, and consequently they are all twins; thare iz no sich thing in the annals ov natur, az a single cockroach. Their food seems to consist, not so mutch ov what they eat, az what they kan git into, and often finding them ded, in the soup, at mi boarding house, I have cum tew the painful conclushun, that the cockroach kan't swim, but that he kan float for a long time.

HINTS TEW YUNG WIFES.

1. Don't undertake tew liv with yure mother-in-law, but if wuss cums tew a wussness, let yure mother-in-law liv with yu.

2. Never let yure husband kno more than one haff the affeckshun yu hav for him.

3. Don't name a yung one after a bachelor brother, nor a